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When You Just Can’t

I have blogged through some of the worst times in my life in the last 10 years. Through my grandfather’s illness and subsequent death. Through the loss of our first child. Through the drama and trauma with my mother. All of these personal things I laid bare on this blog. I found support online, I found people that could relate, people that cared. For that I am grateful. There has been something that I have always avoided blogging about. It felt too personal and I guess shameful, so I’ve kept that part of myself hidden and out of the public eye. Here at least. There are people that know and I’m ok with that, but I’ve never felt ready to put it in black and white on the internet. I did write a post about it once…in 2010 which is still lying in my drafts. I don’t know if I will ever publish it, but at the time it felt cathartic to write about.

At this time in my life I am faced with things I again feel are too private to write about and publish. I’m really struggling and have been for months. At times I have thought perhaps I should just write it out and leave it in my drafts as I did with the other post, but I have not. Because I am still in the thick of everything going on, I just can’t. I have no idea where this road will lead, all I know is that I’m standing at a fork and either way is utterly shit. I have been standing here for what feels like forever and I just do not have the balls to choose a path. I am frozen with terror, knowing both ways will hurt like hell. I’m procrastinating, delaying what seems inevitable, hoping that somehow another road that isn’t as difficult will appear. My head says one thing, my heart another. I know which one of those two is stupid, yet I’m still just standing there.

I suppose some of this discontent has leaked out onto my Facebook timeline. Apparently the things I have been sharing there of late have caused concern to my friends and followers. Some have reached out and offered support. Thank you for that. It truly does mean a lot to me that people care. Despite growing concern that I might be suicidal, I’m ok. If I don’t have the guts to choose a path, I certainly do not have the guts to completely remove myself from the journey.

I do think I’ll be able to blog about it once I have chosen a path and that will likely lead to a lot of “MY LIFE FUCKING SUCKS RIGHT NOW” posts. I apologize in advance. To be honest, my life fucking sucks right now anyway, I just don’t want to tell you why. So…I thought I would put up a post, trying to explain why I’ve been disconnected and distant. I know it doesn’t help much and might just breed curiosity, but that is not my intention. I just wanted you to know that I’m alive and I’m coping.

Thank you again to everyone that has reached out to me. I really appreciate it. One day I will tell you all the things.

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