The memorial service was held on Sunday after our church service. My mother in law, sister in law, aunt, uncle, grandmother, grandfather, My Evil Mother, Rudi and I were all there. My mother in law brought flowers and a slab of chocolate. My aunt and My Evil Mother cried more than I did. It was short and dignified. Since the beginning of all of this I’ve had a few significant spiritual experiences. Some of them are difficult to explain to someone who is not New Apostolic, but I’ll try.
On the day that I was admitted to hospital I received many phone calls from family and friends with words of encouragement and assurances of prayers. My grandfather’s family specifically came through which is strange because they are not particularly close to us. They all told me that they are praying for our protection and Lynne who had to go through the same experience as me told me I will not be alone in the hospital room and that I need to remember that.
As the general wards were full I ended up in a private room and had a small TV in front of my bed. While I was watching TV I saw a reflection which looked exactly like our church’s symbol. Looking behind me I only saw a chain with a triangular shaped handle hanging from it (used by ladies who have had epidurals to assist in turning themselves). This of course does not resemble our church symbol at all, but when reflected in the TV it looked that way, making me feel like I was not alone in the room.
In our faith we take communion at each service (twice a week if you attend both services) and we eat a small wafer while partaking in the sacrament. The communion is served by priests who take the wafers out of silver cups and put the wafer into your hands. As the priests do this they attempt to separate any wafers they feel might be stuck together, so if you receive two wafers it almost always has a significant meaning. For instance, the first time I partook of communion after I found out I was pregnant I received two wafers instead of one, which indicated God’s acknowledgement of my baby to me. On Sunday our rector (who had been specifically moved back to our congregation even though he was booked somewhere else so that he could perform the memorial) served communion. It is the first time I have ever seen him do so. He happened to be placed in front of the block where I was sitting. Someone happened to skip him while going up for communion which resulted in him serving me with communion. He said he picked up the wafer and tried to separate them as they normally would and couldn’t. When he looked up I was standing in front of him. After I received the wafer I also looked down at it as I noticed it was much thicker than usual and the two wafers were stuck together as if glued that way. Both the rector and I felt that the chain of events leading up to this was a sign that our baby was also now partaking of Holy Communion in his place of rest, may he rest in peace.
I have been spending a lot of time with my grandparents while I have been off. Before I went to hospital I could not be alone with all the uncertainty and questions floating about in my head I was in a permanent state and needed to be around my loved ones to keep me calm and sane. I would sit howling on my own driving myself crazy. My grandfather being on chemo also appreciated the company. On a number of occasions my grandfather asked me if I had seen the movie ‘Evan Almighty’ and I kept telling him that I hadn’t. Yesterday I was there for the first time since we lost James and he asked me the question again. For some reason I asked him if he would put it on for me. I had what Oprah might call an ‘Aha’ moment while watching it yesterday and felt like it contained something that I desperately needed to hear. At some point Samuel L. Jackson (who portrays God in the movie) says ‘When someone prays for patience, God gives them an opportunity to be patient. If someone prays for courage, God gives them an opportunity to be courageous’, this telling me that God does not put circumstances in our way to break our spirit, but to strengthen us in ways we never thought possible. I have an opportunity, I just need to figure out what the opportunity is.
I really needed to start interpreting the situation a little differently and turning all the negativity that had been in my head into something positive. I thought it so strange that I have never lost a friend or family member close to me to death. Now I have lost a child, much closer than anyone else could have been. Perhaps this will prepare me for circumstances I will face in the future which I could not have faced before. Perhaps God wants me to appreciate and shower with love and care the healthy baby I will be provided. Honestly before I fell pregnant I did not want a baby. Now I want nothing more. I will take no chances next time. I will not look at any medication. I will lie over the toilet for months, suffer through infection, and do what I need to do, but take no chances with our next child.
I do not know how long we will wait before we try again. We may just wait out the year and start trying again next year. The gynae wanted to see me again in February. Perhaps we will wait for that check up.
I realize that this has been quite a religious entry, but I needed to express my spiritual experiences. I needed to record them because I do not want to forget exactly how I felt when these things happened to me. It is so easy to lose perspective which is why I blog. Reading back on past experiences sometimes just gives you the perspective you need to be in a better emotional place in your life when you forget how blessed you are.