On Friday the gynae said something. Something small. I was fine all weekend, but I woke up this morning with a sense of foreboding. A horrible fear. I thought about how he measured and re-measured and measured again. About how he sighed. He has sighed like that before. The day he was scanning Jamie. Just before the devastating news. When he sighed like that I knew he saw something that troubled him. My heart sank a little and I was once again very disappointed that Rudi wasn’t there.
So this morning I was on the verge of tears all morning. Not able to say anything out loud. Rudi was not compassionate. Told me to shush and stop being negative. I scolded him later and told him that shushing me was not the way to deal with it. Eventually later at work he sent me a message saying he is sure everything is fine.
I am allowed to be scared. I have every right to fear the unknown and things I do not have direct control over. I can fear the worst because I have lived through it! It is not something that happens to other people. Yes, I have a bouncy, beautiful and healthy child at home, but I also have a child in the grave. A girl child. When the gynae said that this is a stage of variables, he also said ‘not sure if she is struggling’. Fuck man. Why say that? Why say that to a woman who knows the darkness that lies beyond bad news?
I feel better after discussing it with a friend. I’m sure that the gynae would not have stretched my next appointment for 5 – 5 1/2 weeks if he needed to check something in between. If he was worried he would of wanted to see me sooner to check her progress. Right? Right. I’m still worried though. It still niggles at me. I suppose I will never ever be able to just enjoy this pregnancy without feeling hesitant. I will forever live in fear of another child being taken from me, even once they are outside me.
Just another 5 1/2 months before I can step off this particular hormonal roller coaster…and onto another.
I cannot wait to start feeling her kick me. Perhaps that will bring me some comfort. Maybe that will provide some reassurance that she is okay.