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Nearing the end…

My grandfather’s life is running out. Fast. It’s so hard to watch. I feel so torn about going to see him. I want to see him and be with him during this difficult time, but it is very hard seeing him the way he is now. More often than not I end up looking at him and crying. Seeing me hurt hurts him as well. I don’t know if I’m making things worse for us. I know I don’t want to feel like I deserted him in the end and I want him to know that I was there. I feel like he can go at any moment now. They took him off his drip last night. As far as I know that drip was keeping him “fed” and hydrated. Without that…he’ll starve or dehydrate. It won’t be much longer now. I’m going to miss him so much. He was such a light in my life and I love him dearly. I know. I say this every blog post I write about him, but I can’t stress it enough. He is very special to me.

Yesterday I missed Jamie. I think it’s because her 2nd birthday is coming up really soon (5 November). I can’t believe that it’s almost been two years since the worst day of my life, so far. Yesterday I scooped Babyice up when he came home and just held him close. On days when I miss Jamie and my heart is sore I realize how precious he is and how very blessed I am to have him. He is so soft and warm and beautiful.

I’ve been off yesterday and today. I’ve really needed some time to relax and rest. People tell you that having a baby is hard work, but I don’t think you ever really understand what they mean until you’ve done it. You get up in the morning, go to work. Work your bum off for 8/9 hours, then you come home and you play with, feed, bath and put your child to sleep. During the night you wake up for them if they need you. Repeat. Weekends aren’t “off time” anymore. No more lazing around in bed till late in the morning, not even with your baby. 5 A.M. (for us most weekends) baby is awake and you must be too. I also work weekends so it doesn’t really differ much from the week. I do work shorter hours on a weekend, but I do a full day’s work during those hours, so it’s just as tiring. If you could be on maternity leave for the first few years of their lives maybe it wouldn’t be as bad. Or maybe it will be. Being a stay at home mom is just as hard.

Babyice just had what I suspect was a bout of gastro. He was vomiting and not keeping much down. He kept enough fluid/food down for us to be worried, but not need to run to the doctor. He had JUST finished ANOTHER course of antibiotics so I was hoping we could manage it at home, which we did. He has a little bit of a cough now again. I cannot WAIT for our next R500 appointment (his 9 month check up with the pediatrician). I suspect he is allergic to something. He suffers from chronic chest infections, snotty nose and cough. It could be our cat…dust, his milk…I don’t know, but I don’t think it’s normal for a child to be so perpetually sick. The other kids at the day mother are FINE. Nobody else has that problem. They are only a few months older than him and one of them is the product of a drug addicted mother. You would think that SHE would have health issues or a compromised immune system, but she seems to be healthier than Babyice is! Well, depending on the cost I will request and allergy test or ask the doctor what he thinks. Rudi will have an effing heart attack if Babyice is allergic to our cat. I think he would rather Babyice be allergic to me than the cat. Heh.

Now…I’ve got a sleep sense book to go read. I hope we can get Babyice to at least sleep through the night. That might just take a load off. Us and him.