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My Grandfather…

…is still dying. He is feeling horrible. He is in pain every day. He is weak, nauseous and tired all the time. He barely gets out of bed. Anyone who knows my grandfather will tell you he is a vibrant, active man. He is most definitely not himself. He is very depressed and cries a lot. He barely eats because of how he feels, which is obviously not helping matters. He has been to see his doctor and they have advised him all these symptoms are normal. All they can do is manage his pain. They could not tell him how long they think he has left. It’s anybody’s guess.

I was speaking to him last night and he was telling me how he was planning his funeral. As a priest he has planned many church services before, but this one is different, of course. He is planning which hymns he would like the choir to sing, which hymns he would like the congregation to sing. No wonder he is depressed. He has decided he doesn’t want a coffin at the funeral. He says he has conducted too many funeral services where he has to watch the family break down as the coffin drives away in the hearse. He doesn’t want that. Bless him. He is naive. He wants to spare us that, but does not realize that we will most likely break down anyway. I went to the funeral of my aunt’s mother in law last week. It was so sad to see the family suffer, to watch them grieve. I was sitting there thinking about how I would in their position soon. It was heart wrenching.

My grandmother has been trying to contact Hospice to find out if they can make use of their services. The twat at Hospice isn’t returning her calls. This is all very worrying. I can’t help but feel that time is running out for my grandfather, fast. We spoke about something at the end of August and he said “That is a bit late for me”. My cousin is coming from the UK in September for a visit, when I told him this he said “Oops” – implying that it would be too late.

It’s all so difficult to come to terms with. I find myself randomly bursting into tears at the thought of losing him. We’ve decided to go and see him as much as possible…also allowing him time with Babyice who brings him much joy. He got a model of a Tomcat aeroplane for his birthday which he intended to build for Babyice’s room. He is not up to doing it and has Rudi to come and build the model at his house so he can help him and watch the progress (also a ploy to get us to spend more time there).

I am going to break when the time comes. He has been a father to me. The only reliable, trustworthy and constant male role model in my life. I have wonderful childhood memories with him and I wish that Babyice could have the same thing. It looks like that is not on the cards though. This is going to be difficult. One of the most difficult things I will have to do. It’s right up there with losing our baby.

I’m going to miss him. I love him so much.

….and now I can’t talk about it anymore.