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Moved on

So it’s been almost 2 years since our baby girl was born and died. In the interim we have had a new baby to smother with love.

At first when we lost Jamie I was devastated. Completely and utterly broken. This is normal. I know this and I allowed myself to feel any feelings I needed to. Trying to have another baby was difficult. We tried for about 4 months until my heart could not take it anymore. I decided to let go, to live my life and leave it in the hands of fate. Approximately 6 months after Jamie left us, Babyice was conceived. During my pregnancy things were still difficult. I’d still cry for the baby I’d lost. I’d still wonder if things would go wrong with Babyice, but I started moving into a different frame of mind. After Babyice was born there was a little difficulty bonding, but we did and now we’re stuck like super glue.

When I think about Jamie now, I’m no longer completely broken. I don’t cry uncontrollably. Depending on the context in which she comes to mind, sometimes I don’t cry at all. On the other hand, I was walking back to my desk from the ladies room at work the other day thinking about her and nearly burst into tears. I think PMS may have contributed to this.

I feel like I’ve moved on from her death. I haven’t forgotten her and I don’t intend to, but I feel like I’m okay with it now. I don’t feel like Babyice has replaced her as such, but I don’t feel as empty as I did before. I’m not completely inconsolable. I feel guilty for having moved on. I feel guilty for being happy again. I feel guilty for feeling as happy as I might have been before we lost her. Before we knew about her. I feel like there should always be a little sadness there, no matter what.

I know that everybody grieves differently and that a lot of mothers never “get over” the loss of a child. I look at other mothers who have lost their babies before they were even born. I see how they are still stuck in their grief months, years and other children later. Shouldn’t I also still be stuck in grief? Is it wrong that I feel like I’ve moved on from such a traumatic event? Does this make me a bad person?

*sigh* It seems you just can’t win. Feel guilty for losing the baby, feel guilty for grieving too long, feel guilty for not grieving anymore…it just never ends, does it?

On a lighter note…I’m going for the tattoo I have been wanting since we lost Jamie on the 21st of this month. I’ll be having Jamie and Babyice’s names with a pattern to sort of join the two on my left shoulder. I’m both excited and apprehensive about it. I’m a bit nervous to have it done again…I know it’s going to hurt and that it isn’t that bad…but it’s still a needle being repeatedly jabbed into your skin. That is scary, no matter how you look at it!