I give up. I surrender. It’s over. I can no longer pretend that I do not need help in the domestic department.
At first Rudi and I managed okay. We did eventually end up doing all the cleaning/laundry/ironing on a weekend which took up most of our Saturday or Sunday and sucked hugely. We persisted. On the one hand I preferred doing things ourselves, we knew what was done and what wasn’t. We knew nothing had been taken while we weren’t looking and of course it was saving me money. Why pay someone for doing something that we can do ourselves?
I am over it. Completely and totally over it.
Since I’ve been feeling nauseous and exhausted most of the time, my chores just don’t get done…at all. Not even eventually. I’ll try if I’m having a good moment, but sometimes exerting myself makes me feel worse. I cannot expect Rudi to do everything. He pulls his weight, but when he sees me “slacking” he is completely demotivated. The exact same thing happens when the roles are reversed, so I do not blame him at all. I even bribed him to do my ironing last week because I just did not have the energy to face it.
When we had domestic help before, the house would never really get dirty. Untidy? Yes. Filthy? No. Now the thought of my own house creeps me out sometimes. I am overwhelmed and just want to curl up in the fetal position and cry. I know it sounds dramatic, but it really is how I feel. I NEED help. I would say I don’t know how my mother did it, but she had a domestic 5 days a week. So I don’t know how my grandmother did it. She had two kids, but she didn’t work. To be honest, I don’t know if I am going to be able to do it when I am home on maternity leave either. We still had a domestic once a week after Babyice was born, so I didn’t have to do everything. I literally dream about my old housekeeper that screwed me over. Literally. It makes me sad.
The day mother has recommended the domestic she currently has. Apparently she is very thorough and works for her daughter at her place of work as well. She says she has been working at her daughter’s place of employment for quite some time. I think this means that she won’t be eager to take chances since she stands to lose a lot more. She will be at her house again on Wednesday. I have asked her to check if she has any days available. She’ll come in on a Saturday initially so I can show her around, show her where things are, etc. I am reluctant to let someone into my home again, but I really feel like I don’t have a choice.
I do feel like a bit of a failure for not being able to do this. I know so many others do. Having domestic help is an absolute luxury. I realize this. It isn’t like I have piles of money lying around to pay for help either. I need to pick my battles though. This is not one I am going to win.