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Guarding my heart

It is a natural instinct I suppose, to be careful. Once bitten, twice shy – as they say.


My first gynae appointment is on Friday morning. Every single time I start to feel excited I stop and push the feeling away. Every time I think to myself ‘It’s just two more sleeps’ I give myself a mental slap on the wrist. I keep telling myself not to get my hopes up, so that I can expect not to be disappointed.


This feeling stems from that day over three years ago, when I was blissfully ignorant and naive. It was our 20 week check up at the gynae. I was very excited. Hopefully that day we would finally found out the gender of our first baby. I counted the sleeps. I could of jumped out of my skin. That was also the day our dreams fell apart and the nightmare began. Since then I have picked up the pieces and glued everything back together again. Most days I can get through with no problems. Some days (usually when I’m exceptionally hormonal) I can become very emotional about it. I don’t take away from it at all. I don’t deny myself the opportunity to grieve when I need to. Granted, it does not happen often.


Now as I stand at the beginning of this road again, I am still haunted by my past experience.  When I was pregnant with Babyice, I tried not to get excited. I barely spoke to him. I think I was in denial for an entire 9 months. Surely I couldn’t/wouldn’t have this healthy baby. Perhaps I felt like I didn’t deserve him. I didn’t want to bond with him for fear of losing him. Despite going out and shopping for him from the very beginning, which I never did with Jamie. I think somewhere inside myself I knew that there was something wrong with my first pregnancy. Maybe it was because I was so sick all the time, that I had no desire to buy a single thing. Maybe it was because we didn’t know the gender yet…although there were many genderless things that we would of needed (i.e. bottles, sterilizers, nappies, etc). I literally bought something for Babyice before I even found out I was pregnant. This time? I have thought of things we would need to buy. I haven’t been paid yet, so haven’t actually had an opportunity to buy something frivolous for the new baby. I have mostly considered practical things like a new pram and another car seat. I suppose that means I do have a desire to provide for this baby. So maybe my gut is saying everything is all good. I’ve even told the new baby to ‘grow’ a few times.


I digress. This gynae appointment. It’s coming up and I desperately want to be excited about it, but I find myself swerving away from the excitement. I don’t want to be excited and run the risk of having my heart torn out again. I was a good girl. I took my folic acid for 6 months before getting pregnant. We planned this. Again it happened very quickly after I went off the pill…another thing that worries me. My boobs are definitely as sore now. Score. Not as much morning sickness as before…worried (yes I know some people don’t have it at all. Bitches).


On the one hand I am sure that it is completely normal to be a bit nervous or scared. On the other hand I resent it. I just want to be happy and excited. That is all.


Hopefully once this appointment is over…and we have seen a heartbeat I can let my guard down. Hopefully.


And I hope I didn’t jump the gun by telling everybody. Having to face them months later when they ask is a cruel punishment.