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Feeling Judged

As a new mother, you expect to be judged. You expect strangers to come up to you in the local Spar telling you that your child isn’t dressed warmly enough or that you shouldn’t be holding him *that* way, etc. You expect to be judged. What you don’t expect is that same judgement from your own family.

We’ve had Babyice’s problem diagnosed and we know what it is all about. It has been verified by sticking a scope through his nose and down his throat. It’s not guesswork. It’s a fact…we’ve had him at the pediatrician and at the ear, nose and throat specialist, but people just don’t seem to think that’s enough.

My grandmother asked me if we don’t want to get *another* opinion. Who else’s opinion do I need? My grandfather calls me up at 10PM asking me if it hurts when he breathes (no it doesn’t…wouldn’t he cry?). I know they are just concerned. I know they love him and just want the best for him, but do they doubt us? Do they think *we* don’t want the best for him? Do they think it doesn’t concern us too? I’ll be chatting to them on the phone and they’ll hear him in the background and say “oh shame, are you sure he is alright?” Yes. He is FINE. Really. He can breathe and he is growing fast and eating well. He.Is.Fine.

Today I went back to the gynae for my post birth check up. I had to explain about 5 times over that he is fine. His chest is not phlegmy, his nose isn’t blocked, he is just fine (all this to strangers). One Sunday in church the lady sitting in front of me became so worried *during* the service that she turned around and asked me if we have him on a nebulizer (sometimes it sounds like phlegm on the chest). So I had to explain *during* the service that it was not, in fact, his chest and that he is FINE. Another woman kept on looking over at him with much irritation. I wanted to klap her, but decided it might not be in the spirit of peace and harmony to slap someone at church. She must have been wondering why we bring our “sick” child to church where he can spread his germs. She made an assumption. I understand that, but then keep your dirty looks to yourself or open your mouth so I can set you straight.

So yes, everywhere we go, we are questioned. Even by our own families. Rudi’s family isn’t very comfortable with it either. The sound is very alarming…but he is fine and if we say he is fine people should believe us. Before he was born so many people told me they thought I would make a great mother…people don’t seem so sure anymore. The only people who have not second guessed us and have embraced him noise and all are our fabulous Twitter friends. <3 you guys! 🙂

I hope he outgrows it sooner rather than later. Rudi and I are so used to it already we worry when we *can’t* hear him breathe. Sometimes the noise is so loud and annoying we can’t sleep at all. There is nothing we can do to stop it and Babyice can’t help it…so we just have to wait until it gets quieter. Surgery is only an option if he starts turning blue or starts losing weight because he isn’t feeding well. That is not happening. I don’t want them putting my tiny baby to sleep, unhinging his jaw and scratching in his throat. Not to mention having pipes coming out of his nose and mouth…I couldn’t bear it. If surgery is not necessary, it won’t be done.

So. He is FINE. Ok?