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I don’t think being clingy is a quality that is good to have, but somehow…I have this quality. I don’t like it. I don’t like being clingy, but I really cannot help myself. I’m not clingy with *everybody*. I can be very clingy when it comes to Rudi though. I make demands on his time and don’t want him to go anywhere without me.

Lately it’s been causing some strain on our relationship. *sigh*. Lindor recently moved house. It’s about bloody time. They’ve recently had their 3rd child and were squeezing 5 people into a very small space. Suddenly Lindor has to fix a million things around the house and apparently he cannot do any of this himself/alone. Rudi is quite handy with a welder/grinder/drill/whatever and he is Lindor’s only bitch friend, so he is constantly asked to come over and help. Rudi is a nice guy. He has a soft heart and will help anyone he can, if they ask. Lindor will literally snap his fingers and Rudi will go, immediately.

Last week Rudi was there for more than one evening and this weekend past he was there both Saturday and Sunday helping him finish a wash line he needed to weld or something. I feel like I haven’t seen him all weekend. I don’t deem the few hours we get to spend together during the week as quality time.

During the week we are busy with Babyice/cooking/cleaning/whatever and we don’t get to just relax together. Come weekend, Rudi wants some downtime and probably some time away from us and I don’t want to be left alone…it’s not so easy for me to just go out now with Babyice. It’s not impossible, but it’s not easy either. If he doesn’t go to Lindor, he’ll want to go and play darts at the pub.

These things all come with their own set of problems. When he goes to Lindor’s house, he’ll say he will be home at a certain time and he is late (and tipsy/drunk). Every.Single.Time. I’ve even tried telling him not to give me a time so that he doesn’t create an expectation, but that just leads to him getting frustrated and angry because I have an ‘attitude’ (regardless of the tone I use). When he goes to the pub he usually sees someone there and either drags them home for a braai, or he arranges for us to go to them for a braai. He makes these plans and then calls me to ask, after practically telling the people they can come/we’ll be there…”if my wife says it’s okay” – and if I don’t? Who is the bitch in the fairytale? He will then proceed to nag me (literally) until I eventually cave. I HATE HATE HATE it.

I never go anywhere on my own. I don’t feel the need to. I don’t need to get away from Rudi or Babyice. I quite like spending time with them, so I don’t look for opportunities to go out alone with friends. Rudi is always telling me he ‘never objects when I want to go out with my friends’ – he can easily say that, because I don’t ever do it. I don’t just expect him to stay home and babysit while I go out and have a good time. If I want to go shopping or whatever I’m told to take Babyice with me; the other mothers do it.

This past weekend Rudi just got fed up with me being clingy and getting upset and angry because he was going out AGAIN. He just refuses to see my point. It feels like he constantly chooses being away from me rather than being with me.

I’m not sure how to explain it. I’m not completely wrong here. I know he needs time away from us, alone time…but there are limits. He can’t go out almost every night of the week/weekend, come home late/tipsy/drunk every single time and expect me to be okay with it. I should really start leaving him alone with the baby and see how he feels about it, but like I said I have no desire to do so.

I don’t know if I’m like this because I was an only child or because my perception of relationships/men is not right because of the abuse I suffered as a child/teenager. Maybe I’m like this because I spent a LOT of time alone at home as a child because my parents worked. I don’t know how to change. I don’t know how to be okay with it. I don’t know how to let go of him when he needs to be let go of. I’m tired of it putting strain on our relationship. I’m tired of fighting about it. He clearly doesn’t get it.