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Childbirth is something I never thought I would have to deal with, yet I find myself standing between 2 and 3 weeks away from it. This thought kept me awake last night. When I was younger I never wanted to be married. I never wanted kids. I wasn’t the little girl with the baby doll pretending to be a mommy. Having a family of my own is not something I yearned for. I don’t know exactly what I thought I wanted, because like most other woman I wanted to be validated. I craved the attention and affections of men and sought them. Of course I wanted one of them to want me just for himself, forever. Of course I wanted committment, so without acknowledging it I wanted to be married.

What I did not realize at the time was that the person who would be willing to commit to me might want children. I must have thought to myself that children are something that men don’t want. After all, the last thing they want to do is get a woman pregnant so they would ‘have’ to marry her. There is no such thing as needing an heir nowadays…so if a couple has a child it must be because the woman wants one. Clearly there were a lot of things I did not understand back then. A magnitude of things.

So back then I never thought I would have to deal with childbirth. When I started growing up I still didn’t want children, but had resigned myself to saying if it should happen there would be no way I was pushing it out. C section for me! Yet today…I am waiting for my baby to decide to come.

Rudi wanted children from the time we met. I knew this from the night we became inseparable. If not for my previous relationship I would have run for the hills at that thought. The man I dated previously had children and I was so… infatuated with him that I was willing to accept that, even though I did not understand what that entailed. I was only 18 at the time. So when I met Rudi the thought of children did not scare me nearly as much as it would have before. In fact I am grateful for that previous relationship as I believe now that the sole purpose thereof was to prepare me to meet Rudi and not run away from him.

So here I am now, on a journey I never thought I would take. This baby is coming, whether I like it or not. I am afraid of the pain, but I am looking forward to holding him. I realize that childbirth is only an event. Labour is a temporary state of being. I was speaking to Rudi about it and he seems to think that the pain of childbirth is comparable to pain he has experienced. Having had a painful experience myself and knowing what it can feel like, I want to hit him in the face with a baseball bat I tend to disagree. I was only awake for the contractions and that was bad enough already.

It won’t be the same this time. I know that now. That doesn’t mean it is not going to hurt like a motherfucker anyway. I think now that I will deny pethadine as it does nothing good for me…but will I be able to cope? I’m a big baby myself after all. My pain threshhold is practically non-existant.

I guess we are going to find out. Soon.