I’m officially back at work today. Rudi and I hardly slept a wink last night, so I’m exhausted (Note to self: Take prescribed sleeping tablet tonight). I’ve been crying at least half the time I’ve been here. Everyone has been so sweet. I told my manager I would be OK if everyone just stopped asking me if I’m OK. I know they mean well, I really do, but I’m not OK and I’m just being reminded of it.
I cried in my manager’s office. He was really supportive and said he will arrange more time off if I need it and that he wishes everything of the best for me for the future, etc. My supervisor also called me in and reiterated what my manager had said.
Offering me additional time off is great and everything, but what do I do at home? I have to carry on with my life and come back to my work some time. It might as well be now. Honestly, I would much rather sit in a corner and cry or curl up under a duvet and hibernate. I cannot lie it has been really hard and I want to run, but I’ve glued myself on this seat till four and I will remain here all day. Tomorrow I will come back and the day after that and the day after that.
Tonight I can collapse into my husband’s arms and feel loved (if he’s in the mood *wink* to make me feel loved…man…you know what I mean). It could have been worse. I must remember that too. What about that accident that happened where a mother and her pregnant daughter were killed because a truck fell off a bridge on top of their car? Imagine being that baby’s father. To lose the woman you love and your baby. If I had lost Rudi through this process I would not have survived it. Whether or not he’s been a model husband, he’s been there. He only went fishing (at the worst possible time) that one time and afterwards we had a good talk about it and I realized he needed a little space and a little time alone to deal with the loss he felt. Sometimes I wish he would tell me how he is feeling so that I know I’m not going nuts, but I need to understand that he has his own way of dealing with this and doesn’t need me pushing him right now.
Two quotes from the song ‘Torch’ from the latest Alanis Morissette album are so true for me now, of course for her the song is about a lover:
These are things that I miss
These are not times for the weak of heart
These are the days of raw despondence
I never dreamed I would have to lay down my torch for you like this
One step one prayer I soldier on, simulating moving on
I am sure I could find a million lyrics from her songs that will help me grieve. I had almost forgotten how she allows me to go inside myself and scratch around in the dark places I dare not dwell. It’s officially on my ‘to do’ list.