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Grandfather update

My grandfather is currently in hospital. He was admitted on Sunday night after he asked my grandmother to call their house priest to come and see him. They called him around 22:30 and decided to take him to the emergency room around 23:30.

He was very depressed again and wasn’t eating or drinking much since he came back from his last stint in hospital. Once he is on the drips and being given his medication he is so much better. He regains his strength and his appetite. He says he has now figured out why he isn’t coping at home and will manage it properly when he leaves the hospital. He has been taking his medication reactively instead of proactively, which is why he is having so many problems. Taking a tablet for nausea when you’re already nauseous is a pain in the butt. I told him AGES ago that he needs to take all his medication every day, whether or not he thinks he needs it (I was referring to his anti-depressants at the time). Maybe he needed to hear it from a doctor.

I went to visit him in hospital last night. His bed was like a train station. So many people came to visit him that the family decided to leave since the entire ward was filled with visitors for him.

Apparently his doctor is a palliative care doctor (advice I’ve passed on to him as well), so he doesn’t need to look for a new doctor. His doctor has said he will give him a schedule for his medication and he needs to take it as prescribed to try and manage his pain/nausea better when he is at home.

He was telling some of our church leaders that he is so looking forward to being in the beyond (on the “other side”), but he is concerned for the heartache and suffering his family will feel once he dies. They told him that he must not let the loss his family will feel hold him back, that they will take care of his family once he is gone and that he must not feel burdened by it. Such hard things to hear. At some point I started crying in the hospital…I’m very much in denial about him passing on at the moment. Someone asked me how I am feeling about everything and I realized they were asking me how I’m coping with the fact that he is going to die, possibly soon. The thought is too much for me right now, which is why I kind of tip toe around it. Not smart, but I don’t think there is a way to prepare yourself for the loss of a loved one.

I called him today, in between visiting hours. I thought it would be nice to keep him company for a while when there were no visitors. We had a good chat and we cleared the air about a few things that bothered the both of us. During my late teens/early twenties My Evil Mother had quite a hold on me financially. She used this as leverage to manipulate me. When she was robbing my grandparents of everything they had I tried to stay out of it as much as possible. I don’t know now if that was the right thing to do, I should have intervened on their behalf, but I sat on the fence. He wanted to know where I was then…I explained to him how My Evil Mother had used her hold on me, in fact, she tried to get me to side with her often. He told me that he thought I might have been happy that they were gone since it meant Rudi would be able to stay there again (my grandfather disapproved of us staying under the same roof as we weren’t married). He understands now that wasn’t the case.

*sigh* I don’t want him to be in pain, or suffer discomfort, but I don’t want him to die either. It’s so selfish, especially knowing that he is not afraid to die. I am going to be broken when he does. So very broken.