I know it sounds stupid. I’ve been told to be ‘zen’ and stay as calm and relaxed as possible. Calm mommy = calm baby. I definitely want a calm and happy baby…but I feel like I’m not relaxed enough, you know?
Example: I get all frustrated and worked up when Rudi and I play Sonic on the Playstation and then I think ‘I shouldn’t be playing this, it’s frustrating me and that’s not relaxing’. I’m overwhelmed by Babyice’s room that looks like a garage at the moment with all the crap in the world stacked up in it. I’m worried about money. The only time I was ever worried about money in my life is when My Evil Mother put me into so much debt I couldn’t meet the payments when she stopped paying. I know you always make a plan when you have a child. Your child will never want for anything and you’ll always have enough food, nappies, formula or whatever. I think that pseudo shopping trip into the baby shop where I spend R7 000 in my head buying some basic necessities for the baby room (yes, ok…furniture) kind of scared me into thinking about the fact that we only have a few short months to get all of those things before the baby is here. We definitely don’t have money problems. We have everything we need and most of the things we could want, but you never know what this new addition to the family is going to cost. I have to get a new car. I cannot possibly consider keeping my two door Corsa. Getting baby in and out the back will be an uphill battle and a pram won’t fit into the boot.
I also really want to breastfeed Babyice and I’ve heard so many stories about women who struggle and give up. I want to breastfeed for at least 6 months and I’m scared it won’t “come naturally” to me and that I won’t have that automatic maternal instinct that other women have. What if I don’t immediately bond with my baby? That happens, you know. It happens a lot. What if I suffer from post natal depression and have nobody to help me when I need it?
So…now I worry that I worry too much and am not relaxed and calm enough to ensure a happy journey for Babyice in my body. I’m not generally someone who worries…but impending motherhood has got me to worrying. I guess I’ll always worry from now on. I have a whole person who will be relying on me not to screw him up. Talk about responsibility!