Up and down

According to Dr. Amy’s ovulation calculator this is my ‘fertile’ week. New Year’s Eve is supposed to be the day I ovulate, even thought I’m feeling a bit crampy at the moment. Baby Center’s ovulation calculator seems to correspond with Dr. Amy’s. I suppose they’re all based on the same principle. I know I said I’m going to relax and let nature take it’s course and stuff, but that is harder to do than I thought it would be. Rudi and I have been trying every 48 hours for the past week or so and will continue to do so for a while I guess. That being said, if I don’t fall pregnant this month I will surely lose my mind. We can’t miss the ovulation window if we’re trying so often, can we?

Fertility Friend seems to have ovulation calculation down to a science, but I was never really good at science and haven’t bought the thermometer I would need to monitor my BBT (Basal Body Temperature).

I really should be patient and stop worrying about it. I know this. I know it will happen ‘when it’s meant to’ like I’ve been told over and over again by various people. Truth be told I don’t want to wait. I’m sure I’ve even said it myself, but it sounds so cliched and I don’t want to hear it anymore.

Just writing this post is difficult. One minute I’m all gung ho being pregnant and the next I’m thinking I should just go with the flow and let it happen whenever.

Maybe I just hate not having control over it. Even if I am pregnant this month there will be the agonizing three months to follow to see if everything is OK. I suppose that’s going to come whenever it happens.

FFS. I’m so conflicted.