I was really looking forward to the long weekend. What bliss! Not coming to work for 5 days (I had leave on Thursday)! How amazing. Then it wasn’t.
On Thursday I cleaned like a demon. Sorted the house/washing and everything else out. From there things started to unravel slowly. We went to church on Friday morning. I felt a bit sad in church, but I put this down to missing my Oupa. Church often reminds me of him. After church we went to my aunt and uncle for pickled fish and hot cross buns. I was informed there that they would be coming over to our house on Sunday. I didn’t really want to. Rudi had planned a get together with his friend on Friday, Saturday we were going to friends of mine and now they wanted to steal my Sunday. I do barely see them though and I feel bad so I said okay. We had Rudi’s friend over for a potjie. He is a nice, respectable guy and it went fine. Sarah also popped over so I had some company. On Saturday we spent the morning lazing in bed, watching movies with Babyice. That was lovely. We then went to Camilla and Dennis for a braai. We had a good time, like we always do, but I felt ill towards the end of the evening and we left. On Sunday everything went downhill. I felt like crying from early in the morning already (again at church). My family came over and I started feeling resentful towards them. Nobody listened to me, nobody even talked to me. I felt like they came to my house because it’s a convenient venue for them and didn’t entail them cleaning up. I missed my grandfather. I realized that he was the one who kept me sane through these family visits. When he was there I would lie on his chest and we would talk. Or not. At one point I thought I would throw something at my aunt because she wouldn’t stop talking about the same thing over and over. After they left I was in tears. Feeling very unloved and angry. On Monday I thought I would feel better, but I felt like crying again for no reason. This eventually led to a fight with Rudi. Rudi stormed off and I was alone. Feeling terrible. Sarah had sent me a message at the tail end of our fight and I decided to go to her, with a bottle of wine. I felt much better (and was slightly drunk) when I left there. Arriving home I walked back into tension and everything went to hell again.
I started wondering. Perhaps the doctor was not wrong about me being depressed. I certainly felt it. I really, really did. Day after day. Not just one off day.
To add to all of this we were potty training over the weekend. Friday went okay and then it was downhill again from there. Babyice started refusing to go to the toilet and we had more accidents than we had success. By Sunday he was refusing to go to the toilet and crying if we put him on saying ‘I’m finished’ and he pointedly asked for his nappy. I felt completely out of my depth. I felt like I was stressing him out and was becoming stressed out in the process. Maybe he isn’t ready. Obviously I wasn’t ready either. We didn’t potty train on Monday at all. I felt like a failure. I spoke to the day mother this morning. I told her what happened and that I didn’t know what to do. She said that he went to the potty this morning by her with no problem. She does use a potty and doesn’t use the extra toilet seat in the toilet. Perhaps we should get him a potty and move to the toilet at a later stage. I didn’t want to get a potty initially because I didn’t want to have to clean it, but after this weekend that isn’t such a big deal. Less stress for all of us. That is the aim now. The day mother said it is no use giving up now. He can express what he wants to do and he does seem to recognize the urges. She feels he is ready. This woman has been looking after children for the past 35 years and potty trained them all (including me!). I trust her judgement. She has continued with the potty training today and I’ve decided to get a potty for him. When I spoke to her just now she actually said she has a spare that I can borrow which she will clean for me. Yay!
Things can only get better. I’ll be making some lifestyle changes to combat how I’m feeling. Onward and upward!