Tag Archives: Smoking

I’m a Quitter

Hi everyone. Today I want to talk about smoking. Both my mother and stepfather smoked growing up, so I guess it was inevitable for me to light up at some point. That coupled with the fact that my mother always told me that if I wanted to, I should smoke at home and not hang out on street corners to do it. That’s an open invitation, right? I’m not going to blame my mother for my decisions, even if I made them at a very young age where I could probably have used some firmer parenting. I can’t say that it would have made a difference, I might just have rebelled anyway. It is what it is.

I think I first lit a cigarette when I was around 14 years old. I remember it was a box of Benson & Hedges No 1 that my mother had purchased for me. I made a pretty big deal of it. I ran myself a bath, put out my cigarettes, ashtray and lighter and had a smoke while relaxing in the bath. So very grown up. At that point I decided I didn’t like it. Why would anyone want to make their mouth taste that way? No 1’s were so light, I didn’t even get light headed. I gave the pack back to my mother. This was a funny story to tell her friends, wasn’t it? Fast forward 2 years and I was in high school trying to fit in, just like everyone else. I took it up again, smoking a stronger brand this time. I smoked all through high school (not at school, although I did a few times. Shameful, I know!) and continued when I started work. I was never a heavy smoker. If I smoked 10 a day it was a lot. When I got married in 2007 I spontaneously quit. I had never had the desire to quit before and I always said I would quit when I am ready. I just didn’t see the point any more and quit cold turkey. It was during winter and I remember knitting at work to keep my hands busy when they were idle. I also went through a large number of lollipops for the oral fixation. It almost seemed too easy. I remember being really upset that I could quit smoking so easily and do something so good for myself/my body yet I struggle to lose weight.

Since then I have relapsed a few times. Usually during very stressful periods in my life. I managed not to smoke throughout all of my pregnancies, which I am grateful for. I lit up again when Jamie died and then I quit. I lit up again when my grandfather died and then I quit. Rudi started smoking full time again since starting to drive trucks. He says if he is sleepy it helps him stay awake. Yeah I know. Scary, but I would rather he stay awake. I started smoking socially while on a project in one of our other buildings and before I knew it I was buying smokes again. I started smoking full time for the first time in a long time. Again, not heavily. A pack of 20 would last me almost 5 days, but I was still smoking. So I’ve quit. Again.

By the time you read this post it will be 3 weeks. The cravings are still strong sometimes and it takes some willpower not to just go and have one if I’m annoyed about something at work or particularly stressed at home. For quite a long time I got away with smoking one here and there socially. Some people who always saw me smoke in social situations were puzzled when I told them I wasn’t actually a smoker. I guess I’ll never completely be a non smoker. Just like an alcoholic stays an alcoholic even if they are not drinking. I have had thoughts about having just one socially, but that’s a slippery slope for me as of late. Previously I could really just have one or 2. Now not so much. I’m not sure why. I am not particularly stressed right now. Not like I was when my loved ones died. Not even nearly. I felt that smoking again under those circumstances certainly was justified and a better coping mechanism than drugs or alcohol. Although…cigarettes are nothing more than a legal drug, aren’t they?

I have a little countdown app that displays how many days it has been since I last had a cigarette. I was thinking of quitting quitting and decided to put it on my home screen as a reminder of how well I’ve done and to motivate me to keep going.¬†Will I relapse again? I’m not going to lie. It’s likely. This seems to be something that I will keep going back and forth on for the rest of my life. I’m just grateful that I do manage to put it down again every time I start. A quitter for life it would seem.

Do you have a vice? Something that you just keep going back to even though you shouldn’t?


I need some motivation (again)

I’ve decided to quit smoking again. I’ve been smoking since just before my grandfather died. It was a stressful time and I had a lot going on. I was very worried about the family and I guess I used it as an excuse to start smoking again.

I weaned myself off the anti-depressants I was taking in December. I feel fine without them now. I really just needed something to get me through that rough time. Now I have to wean myself off cigarettes again. Since I fell pregnant with Babyice I’ve had allergies/sinus/chest issues. I experience post nasal drip on a daily basis. Without allergy medication this settles on my chest and results in full blown bronchitis. Some evenings my chest wheezes audibly. It is very annoying and a horrible feeling. I am sure that the smoking contributes to this and it is one of the reasons I have decided to quit again. Not that there aren’t a million good reasons to quit, the cost not being the least of it.

I’ve been having difficult trying to quit again. Even when I don’t buy myself cigarettes, someone else does or offers me. Last time I was having trouble the ticker on my blog helped me stick to it (just before I fell pregnant with Babyice). I think the fact that it is so public and anyone can see my success/failure is a good motivator. The ticker is on the left.

So here’s to healthier lungs!

I am a quitter

I’m going to quit smoking again. I don’t even know why I started. OK, I know why I started, but I don’t know why I’m still doing it.

I thought maybe if I put a ticker up on my blog it would motivate me to keep on. I’ve developed a beautiful cough and I don’t know if it’s because I’m smoking or whether I’m getting sick, but it shouldn’t matter. If I wasn’t smoking I would know, wouldn’t I?

I was very proud of myself quitting before…and I’m tired of letting myself down. Watch the ticker. If it resets, you’ll know I fell off the wagon again.

+ 200g

Freaking marvellous. Despite all the exercise efforts last week, my poor eating habits are shining through. Perfect. Like I’m not depressed enough already. I must say that the weight has stayed the same and only shifted up once now…so I’m still doing *something* right.

*Another* pregnancy was announced in the office yesterday. Now, I know I said I wasn’t going to let it bother me, but I have to make a concerted effort not to be annoyed. I have to tell myself out loud sometimes to stop feeling the way I am feeling. I can’t really help it, you know. It kind of happens naturally. So I’m a bit on the miff side today, but I’m constantly trying to feed positive thoughts into my head to cheer myself up (trying hard to block out the weight gain and infertility messages I play in my head constantly). I am still not going to monitor anything (other than my cycle length as the gynae ordered). No temperatures, microscopes or forced sexy time. No matter how many people get pregnant now. Nellie has recommended that I go to the gynae again after our weekend in May if I’m still not pregnant. Just to scan and check that my ovaries don’t have cysts or anything on them. *Just* in case.

I’ve also got to stop smoking again. FFS. Our walk nearly killed me last night and I’ve developed a very sexy morning cough. I’m so frustrated with myself for doing what I’m doing when I *clearly* know better.

To end off this blog post I would really appreciate it if you visited this blog post: Save The Lions. If you can’t afford to help (as I am unable to this month), you can help by raising awareness. I’m sure there are a few people out there that can spare a donation or some of their time to blog or tweet about the issue. These beautiful animals do not deserve to die simply because there is no funding to take care of them. Like we stood together for Earth Hour, we should stand together to save the lives of these beautiful animals that are Africa’s pride.


Yesterday I signed up to Twitter. I’d heard about it before, but I wasn’t sure what it was. The word ‘twitter’ was coming up a lot in my daily life (even on the radio) and I decided to sign up and check it all out. Nice thing about twitter? It’s not blocked at work like Facebook. Yet.

So the cell phone number for my father was a dead end, although I kind of expected that. I didn’t call the number, in case you were wondering. Cell phone numbers are quite disposable, despite some people wanting to hang on to them for dear life. Really, I know. Some people don’t use their cell phone number for over a year and then wonder why it is deleted. Like the networks have space to save all the millions of profiles of SIM cards that are most likely thrown away. Read the terms a conditions for pete’s sake. OK. Rant over!

I’m starting to feel a bit better. I still have a bit of a cough and my tummy still hurts, but other than that I’m in ordinary health. I have to go to the doctor soon for a ‘check up’. I’m taking out life insurance and I guess they want to make sure I’m not already dying on them. They pay for the doctor’s appointment though. It’s basically a free physical. I’m not going to complain. I also have to go for a blood test to ensure that I’m a non-smoker. Under normal circumstances that wouldn’t be a problem, but a little while ago while Rudi and I were fighting I was REALLY stressed out and I kind of started smoking again. Not much, just the occasional cigarette…and then when I had a drink I would light up. I was almost smoking every day. The last time I smoked was Sunday. I’ve been told it should be out of my system in a week and half. I guess we’ll have to see what the blood test yields. It hasn’t been too tough to stop again now that I have a goal. Yeah I know. I’m bad. I almost had two years on my smoke free record. Idiot. Now I have to start counting all over again like the relapsed addict I am.

It’s Jubba’s birthday today. The team has planned a little surprise party for him and booked him a one hour full body massage as a gift. We’ll be buying him Nando’s. His favourite. I had a little chat with Jubba a while ago. I aired my feelings and I told him about how people perceive him. I explained to him that I have seen his softer side and it was a real pity that people judged him by his outbursts of rage. I tried to impress on him that people tend to remember the bad stuff you do, especially when the bad stuff is so extreme. Since our little chat our relationship has seemed to improve. He has really become a bit better. Towards me anyway. He also said he’s taking it easy on me since we lost James as he can tell I’m not my old self anymore. I cried in his office. I felt stupid, but he asked me how things were at home. He asked during the week when Rudi and I were fighting and I felt like my marriage was crumbling. If he didn’t want to know, he shouldn’t have asked.

We stayed up late last night. Well, late for us. For those of you who didn’t know we go to bed at around 20:30 usually and wake up around 05:30. Early to bed, early to rise. We really got into season 3 of Criminal Minds and that caused us to stay up past our bedtime. Pity I’m working this weekend. Otherwise I might have been able to rest.


My grandfather called me with more bad news this morning. The doctor thinks he might be diabetic as well. He had a sugar reading of 11 this morning – your sugar is supposed to be around 5 or 6. He is going for a glucose tolerancy test tomorrow. His brother also had diabetes so it is in the family.

He feels like his whole world is crumbling around him. Last year when I had a routine blood screening done and the doctor told me I had to come for the test I burst into tears at the prospect of being diabetic. I can’t imagine how my grandfather must feel with the cancer and now this. I told him that I had been for the test last year and what it involved (my test came up clear by the way) and I told him to keep his chin up. Everything that is being tossed at him is manageable. The cancer could be cut/chemo’ed away. Diabetes can be controlled with a good diet and exercise. He told me that he loves me very much and values my support more than I could imagine. He told me that just thinking of me makes him feel better. I nearly cried.

If there is a problem with his blood sugar it would explain why he is feeling tired and doesn’t have an appetite.

My grandfather has lived a healthy life. He exercised regularly, ate a balanced diet and never smoked or drank. I can understand his frustration and his confusion as to why his health is suddenly such a huge issue for him. I pray his tests go well tomorrow. He really needs a break.

P.S. I am shocked, but not surprised that I have never used the tag ‘exercise’ before.