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Tag Archives: Sad

Happy Birthday Jamie x

Dear Jamie,

It is your 6th birthday today. I cannot believe it has been 6 years since you became an angel baby. So much has happened since then. You have a brother and a sister now. How lucky are we? Your brother talks about you sometimes. We’ve told him about you and sometimes he will tell me that you visited him in a dream. He says you play together nicely and have fun with each other. He says you have long brown hair and brown eyes. It makes me wish that I could plug into his dreams to get to know you and spend time with you too. I would really have loved that.

I usually take leave for your birthday, but this year I was not able to. It will be the first year that I am not home baking something for you. I am not sure what my day will be like at work. It may have been 6 years, but I have already teared up writing this post, so while time has helped stitch my heart back together, it still hurts at the seams. This is a kind of pain that everyone else has forgotten and that most do not understand, but it is there and it is real to me. The week leading up to your birthday I always feel sad and since I’m not always actively thinking about what we were going through 6 years ago at this point in time, sometimes I wonder why. I should know better. I really should. It is always there.

I wonder sometimes if you grow up in heaven. Your soul does not have a body, so how does that work exactly? I won’t ever know, but I like to think you can think for yourself and communicate in some way (with us or other souls) even though you could not do that when you left us.

I try not to be sad, but how could I not be? I know that you probably would not want me to be sad. I know time is probably different to you and to me. 6 years is a long time where I am. I do my very best not to let my sadness creep into our home life. I don’t want to be sad around your brother and your sister. They are too little to understand. I’m not sure they will ever understand until, God forbid, something like this happens to them. Until they lose a little piece of them they can never get back.

Some days I still feel so guilty. Your brother asks very basic questions…questions about how you died. I find those so very hard to answer. Sometimes he will say, very bluntly “Who killed her?” and he might as well be stabbing me in the heart. This morning when I told him he would be able to eat cake with us if he was good today, he asked me when you are coming back 🙁 While I know we made the right decision, not only for us, but for you…it isn’t always crystal clear and sometimes the lines blur and my heart breaks all over again. I don’t dwell on the “What ifs”. I simply can’t when it comes to you. I cannot do that to myself and I know deep down in my heart that I could never have done that to you either. Still…I wish you were here. I have nothing but memories of you. Nothing to hold onto, nothing to touch. I’m not sure if that makes it harder or easier.

If you were still here your sister probably would not be. That is hard to imagine. I know her in a way I never got to know you. I still don’t know exactly why you happened to us, but I know there must be a reason. Maybe to pave the way for your siblings…maybe to kindle a burning desire for them within me. Perhaps I needed you in some sort of physical sense. I don’t know.

Just so that you know, you are not forgotten. Mommy misses you.

Until we meet again,

Love always

x

***If you are new to my blog and you are unsure what this post is about, you can learn about Jamie in my About Me section.***

Sad thoughts

Reading cathjenkin’s blog post to her departed dad got me to thinking and got me to crying. It sounds like her father would have been a wonderful grandfather.

I am very fortunate that I have a wonderful grandfather. I was lucky enough to have a grandfather who LOVES me and wanted to teach me things, wanted to spoil me, wanted to watch me grow up, wanted to aid the process…he still does. He is an awesome grandfather. The.Best.Ever. He would take me on nature hikes and show me things. He would take me to the zoo. He would take me to a farm to go and see the horses. He would buy me books and encourage me to read.

My grandmother? A wonderful woman. Oh she is so wonderful. I love her so much. She would kiss my knee better when I scraped it. She would sew my button on after I’d ripped it off on some adventure. She would iron my bed so that it was warm when I got in, tumble dry my clothes and towel while I was in the bath so I could be snuggly and warm when I got out. She would rub Vicks on my chest and under my feet when I had a cold. She would make my hot water bottle. She would blow dry my hair while I wildly protested so I could look pretty for church.

They looked after me when My Evil Mother messed up (more often than not I’m sure). When My Evil Mother was in so much debt that we didn’t have food to eat, they took me in. For years they carted me to and from school.

I can’t even mention everything they have meant to me. How important they were in shaping who I am today (the good bits!)

I am terrified of losing them.

My child will not have the privilege I had. My Evil Mother…I don’t even KNOW what I’m going to do about her and the relationship she will have with our child. Rudi’s parents are OK and will love our child and spoil him/her…but it won’t be what *I* had and I don’t think it’s selfish of me to want that wonderful experience for my child.

My grandparents aren’t getting any younger. Perhaps by the time our child is old enough to start appreciating the experiences with them, they will be too old to make those things happen.

*sigh*

I guess I’ll just have to be a much better parent. To make up for what our baby will miss out on. So sad.

WHAT? It’s almost Christmas?!

2009 is hurtling towards us at an alarming speed. It will be Christmas the day after tomorrow. I’m already celebrating Christmas with my family tomorrow. I’ve started making the trifle already. The ingredients cost R260.00! Oh my hat!

I’m feeling a little fragile at the moment. I find sentimental things bringing me to tears. Things that remind me of James are making me cry. I’m trying so hard to be positive and enjoy the festive season, but sometimes I am reminded of it and I feel like breaking down. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not moping around or anything…and I know I’m entitled to feel sad and I’m allowed to cry, but I don’t want to be unhappy this Christmas. Maybe it’s because everyone else seems so happy that I feel slightly depressed. It’s almost as if everyone has forgotten my pain (which I’m sure they haven’t) and have carried on and are happy regardless (which they are also entitled to be). I cannot begrudge anyone their happiness at this time of year…but I hope they understand when I seem unhappy.

I’ve just realized that I have a huge analysis to do for work that is due the 29th…which means…today is actually my last day to do it. CRAP!

The Difference

My second day at work definitely went better than the first day. For one thing I forgot to bring a new box of tissues, but I managed not to cry. All this despite the fact that someone came to me and spoke to me about the whole thing directly. His wife found out she was pregnant shortly after I did, so we were comparing milestones and such. I’ve always like him…I think I even might have had a crush on him at some point. He’s a really nice guy, but I managed not to cry in front of him, even though I wanted to. He had his own theory about the soul of the baby and why it left us. It’s nice to hear other points of view.

This is such a weird place to be in. I was going to be a parent…and now I’m not. I was going to be a mother…and now I’m not. My entire life was going to change…and now it hasn’t. There was all this expectation and build up…and now…nothing. Just sadness and heartache.

The only thing that has really changed is my focus and how other people are towards me. People treat me like I am a fragile now, which I suppose I am at the moment and I don’t mind it. Rather that than someone (like Jubba) saying the wrong thing to me and me being fired for stabbing him with the scissors on my desk.

I never wanted a baby before. Now I’m thinking perhaps I’ll have two. I’ve also learned to be VERY careful what you wish for. It haunts me that I used to say ‘I’ve always wanted to be pregnant, I’ve just never wanted a baby’, because that’s exactly what I got. Pregnancy without a baby. This is of course before I knew what hell pregnancy would be for me, during the time I was still buying into the smiling faces on the pregnancy magazines. I have been very careful not to say “I want a baby, but I don’t want to be pregnant”, because I would love to have my own healthy baby.

I’ve become slightly more tolerant of seeing pictures of babies and seeing baby things, but not comfortable as yet.

I really hope I fall pregnant before the other people at work that are currently pregnant have their babies. I think I would feel better if it happened that way, but I shouldn’t set my heart on anything either. I can just hope and pray that we conceive again quickly and that the next baby is meant to stay with us.

Oh dear. So much for not crying at work.

I’m helping out in another department since they have a bit of a backlog. A change is as good as a holiday they say. Better get back to work before they think I think I am on holiday!

Doctors…GRRR

Physically I still feel like crap today. I’m going to the doctor later this afternoon since I’m convinced I need antibiotics and the only way to get my hands on them is to pay my doctor over R200.00 to write the name of the medication down on a piece of paper. Then we’ll see how much the medicine costs. Last time I needed antibiotics the medication alone was R250.00. Ugh. Too many doctors bills.

I checked online and it seems that my medical aid covered most of the expenses in the hospital save around R200.00 which I can cope with. They paid out around R9000.00. It’s about time they coughed, instead of me.

Emotionally I’ve been numbed today. No crying. Sadness…and anxious to see the photos that the geneticist will send (I really hope she doesn’t forget), but otherwise numb. I am really not looking forward to going back to work on Monday, despite the fact that I’m not doing anything constructive at home. Other than cleaning. Cleaning helps distract me, although I don’t have to think very hard while doing it.

I hope I feel better by Saturday, antibiotics usually take a day or two to kick in, so if the weather clears up Rudi and I can have a fun relaxing day together. Hopefully we can forget the sadness for a little while.

Friends

I am a rather possessive and jealous person. I know this isn’t nice. I know it’s not socially acceptable. I just can’t help myself. This jealousy doesn’t limit itself to my partner – it’s travels to my friends too.

Somewhere something in my head must be broken. I can’t expect people to only be friends with ME. I must crave their approval on some level, but why feel shunned when they have other friends?

For example…Rudi and I have been spending a lot of time with a certain couple. We see each other every day. The girl of the other couple and I have grown really close and enjoyed a certain amount of exclusivity with each other. This couple has recently run into old friends that they have not seen for some time. Subsequently they have been spending an increasing amount of time with this couple. They even went as far as to invite this couple over to a braai at our house so that we could meet them.

This weekend they are going away together. We’ve discussed going away together with them, but we delayed it due to financial constraints, etc. Something seems a bit off with this turn of events.

Oh well, I will miss the exclusivity we enjoyed…and I am heartsore that it was so short lived.