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Tag Archives: Pregnancy

Agony!

On Saturday morning I got up to make breakfast for everyone. Not long after I did I was in excruciating pain! Suddenly something around my pelvic area just wasn’t right anymore. I couldn’t walk, turn from side to side while lying down or lift my legs without crying out and on occasion crying. I remember my joints becoming more loose towards the end with Babyice, but this was something else entirely. Rudi had to help me to get up and sometimes even to sit down. I ended up in tears just trying to turn from one side to another while in bed (I had decided bed rest might help). After that Rudi was finally convinced I wasn’t just bitching for no reason.

 

 

Of course I tweeted about my predicament and @capetowngirl1 (who also happens to be pregnant) was nice enough to respond with some helpful information. Twitter really does save my life sometimes. She gave me some instructions for doing ‘spine twists’ or massaging your spine which may help. I eventually tried it, desperate for some relief. While massaging my spine on the hard floor it almost felt like something was pinched in my lower back on the left side. I kept doing the exercises a little anyway, even though it hurt like a bitch. After doing the exercises it was a little easier to walk, but the pain seemed to have moved to the middle of my pelvis. Almost like PrincessIce had decided to stick her head in there. Ouch. I didn’t want to take Panado, I didn’t feel like it would do any good anyway, but eventually I did and it did actually offer a little relief.

 

 

I had a million things going through my head, also that it could possibly be SPD which is kind of scary. I decided that I would go for physio on Monday if there was no improvement, but wasn’t sure how I would get to and around work. I really do not want to take any sick leave as I would be penalised on my performance bonus if I do.

 

 

I still experienced pain that night while turning around in bed, but by morning I felt SO much better. I am so grateful that it went away. I’m not at all sure what caused it, which poses a slight problem since I want to prevent it from happening again. It really is too soon to be in that much pain though and I hope it stays away until actual labour now. I don’t think it helps that PrincessIce is sitting a lot lower than Babyice was. I’m carrying right at the bottom. People keep telling me I’ve ‘dropped’ and look ready to go into labour. Of course, I haven’t dropped, but I am carrying quite low which would explain all the pelvic discomfort.

 

 

Another thing that I’m experiencing this time around which I didn’t have last time is Braxton Hicks. They are super uncomfortable. I didn’t even realize that was what I was experiencing until one of my belly buddies on Twitter complained about hers. I googled to see what the symptoms were and a light bulb went on. Look, they don’t hurt…but they are uncomfortable and it feels like something is “wrong”. When I didn’t know what it was it kind of freaked me out and I was worried. Now that I know I am much more at ease and just breathe through them. What is this practice labour all about anyway?! I am more than happy to wait for real labour and then check out with an epidural. No practice required! 😛

 

 

Because I’m carrying PrincessIce quite low the heartburn has been a lot easier than it was with Babyice. Touch wood. I still get the occasional need for Gaviscon, but I’m saving bucket loads of money on the stuff this time around.

 

 

Next time someone tells you every pregnancy is different, believe them! I’m not sure if the gender of the baby really has anything to do with it, as my experience is limited, but they have been vastly different. How about those mommies to two boys or girls? What’s your take?

6 months down…

I’ve been suffering from bloggers block. I’ve been uninspired to blog because I’m not really sure what I want to say. I guess there are a lot of different things I want to talk about, to put out there, but I haven’t been able to organize my thoughts in order to write them down. So this might all come out in a mess and there might be more or less than expected.  So here goes…

 

 

 

I hit the 6 month mark in my pregnancy today. I can barely believe how fast the time has been going by. It still feels like 3 weeks ago that I was waiting for the 3 months mark and my second trimester to kick in. I still suffer from nausea now and then and still get sick in the morning sometimes, but it is much better than it was in the beginning. My tummy has grown enough for me to be obviously pregnant and to make me feel quite stretched in that area.  I have heartburn occasionally, but at the moment I manage to cope with it without Gaviscon sometimes. I only opt for the Gaviscon if I’m trying to sleep and it is keeping me awake and I’ve only had to do that twice. It’s still early days though and I’m sure the heartburn can still come back to bite me like it did with Babyice. As far as I remember the worst part of the heartburn is eating while you have heartburn, because it is always there, it becomes an eat or starve situation. Having it while you’re trying to sleep is also the pits. Perhaps PrincessIce will be gracious enough to spare her mommy that. We’ll have to wait and see 😉 She is kicking a fair amount now and it really is my favourite part of being pregnant. She has skillfully avoided painfully kicking my bladder like Babyice used to and I am really grateful for that. I’m sure she’ll find an unpleasant place to kick me at some point though 😉 I’ve already picked up 7 kg! I’m not sure how this compares to my weight gain with Babyice, but I know I only picked up 15 kg with him. I’ll have to ask my gynae to check at my next appointment.

 

 

 

I’ve been thinking about breastfeeding and what I am going to do this time around. With Babyice I was determined to breastfeed and I really did try my utmost best. It turned into such an emotionally destructive process for me (and possibly him) that the entire experience left me feeling traumatized. He was always hungry and unhappy. I tried to feed him sufficiently and failed. He lost too much weight or didn’t gain enough. I distinctly remember the day I decided to stop. I was gutted. I cried and cried (I know the hormones didn’t help). I felt like a complete failure, despite giving it my best effort. I just couldn’t take it anymore and switched him to formula. The difference was like night and day. He was *much* happier and when I finally got over myself and my feelings of inadequacy, I was too. I know breast is best. I know it is better for your baby. I would also love to not have to wash and sterilize bottles and bond with my baby in that way, I’m just not sure that it will happen. I do not want to go through all of that again and I’m not sure if I have the courage to try and fail. I had support last time too, a friend did her best to help me. She even took me into her home so that she could be there for me during the night if I needed her. She took me to a clinic sister who also tried to help. We tried pumping breast milk, we tried nipple shields…we tried everything. He just wouldn’t latch correctly, resulting in him just getting foremilk and not getting the nutritious hind milk which he required. He would drink for an hour or more and still not be satisfied. The clinic sister said the only reason he was falling asleep while drinking was because he was exhausted from trying so hard. I dread this. I really don’t know what to do. I doubt we can afford to employ the services of a lactation specialist when our baby arrives. The clinic sisters in my area were not of much help last time. I could just opt to formula feed. I know a lot of people do, but somehow I’m torn about it. If I do decide to do that I will, of course, give the initial feed of colustrum in hospital. I still have a couple of months to think about this, but I have been thinking about it for a few months already and still have not gotten very far.  I am now for the second time further along that I ever got with Jamie (by two weeks). This gives me hope, but I still take nothing for granted.

 

 

Leebeesa seems to think I’m as big now as I was at the end of my pregnancy with Babyice. I beg to differ:

 

 

24 week bump (PrincessIce)

 

 

39 week bump (Babyice)

 

 

Looking at the picture now, it looks like I’m carrying quite a bit lower than I was with Babyice. Perhaps PrincessIce is still ascending. Only time will tell I guess.

 

 

 

I never posted pictures of Babyice’s haircut! I actually think he looks better when we shave all his hair off, but we’ll save that for summer and when he is a little braver at the hairdresser. All neat again:

 

 

Haircut

 

 

My Evil Mother popped up again recently, trying to establish contact. After ignoring her first ‘How are you all?’ message, she sent me another claiming she was moving to another province and then asking if I wasn’t even going to say goodbye. See that? Bait and guilt. I ignored that message too. She was meant to leave yesterday, but nobody has heard anything from her. Her story is, once again, fishy. She has claimed that she is going to move to this same city before because her husband has a job opportunity there. They never left. This time around she told my grandmother she is going alone. I am really not going to let her hook me in. I do not need her toxicity in my life. I need to remain calm and zen and grow my baby. That is my primary concern and I will do my best to circumvent people who work against that goal. Unfortunately I cannot avoid everybody that makes my blood boil, but I can control exposure to MEM.

 

 

Well, just 3 more months to go before PrincessIce arrives…I best not blink.

Birthday Bumps

Update on the dummy front is that we are doing really well without it. Babyice still takes a chance every now and then and asks for it, but doesn’t whine once we tell him that all the dummies are gone. He specifically asks for the dummy when he is upset and the question is usually accompanied by tears. He has gone to bed every night without his dummy with no fuss at all. He really has surprised me. I took a photo of us this weekend that I really love. He snuggled me for the longest time after we tried to coax him to cut his hair. He is TERRIFIED of cutting his hair, whether we use scissors or the machine. His hair is looking TERRIBLE at the moment and I am at my wits end. We’ve tried entertaining him with books, Barney, sweets, but nothing distracts him. Even though this picture reminds me of how old I am getting/looking, I do love it:

 

 

Cuddles

 

 

Babyice has also now started saying ‘four’ and ‘five’ instead of ‘pour’ and ‘pive’. It won’t be long before he stops saying ‘puck’.

 

 

The nausea has finally started to give me a break, but I am still permanently exhausted and the bad taste in my mouth remains. I have also now started to encounter the stretching pains in my ligaments which are so very uncomfortable. I wouldn’t have listened if you had warned me and I most certainly had forgotten. Rudi has been an angel. I’m not sure why he is so different with this pregnancy. Even before we found out we are having a girl (which he wanted since I was pregnant with Babyice) he has really picked up a LOT of slack around the house and allowed me to take naps after work in the afternoon. Something unheard of before now. Perhaps now that he has witnessed the miracle of birth and the product of a pregnancy it is more ‘real’ to him and he somehow understands that it cannot be easy to create another human being. Whatever the reason, I’m not going to complain. I do what I can, but honestly it is not much. Thank goodness for my new domestic fairy too!

Things are going swimmingly with the new domestic. She finishes her work. She’s managed to pack all of our cupboards straight and get all the crayon scribblings off the walls. I paid her via EFT at the end of the month for all the days worked. It’s like a dream come true! No more struggling to find an ATM that will dispense me R50 notes once a week. Finally this issue that has been dragging on for well over a year is resolved. I regret not asking my neighbour about her ages ago!

 

 

My birthday is coming up on Saturday. I’m not having a party or having a ‘tweet up’ kind of gathering like I have for the last few years. Somehow my birthday just isn’t as important to me as it used to be. That being said, nobody else really makes a big deal out of it anyway. Perhaps it is because I am getting really old or maybe it is because I am so exhausted lately, but I just couldn’t be bothered to throw something together and show up.

 

 

I have requested those that have asked to buy me new bras for my birthday. I haven’t bought myself regular bras for at least 5 years. I’ve meant to, time and time again, but never managed to get around to it. A friend noticed that Stuttafords had a sale on bras and I snapped up one that I had tried on months before, just because it was pretty. It’s a beautiful pink and mocha colour. I managed to get it at 75% off! The original price was R179.99 and I purchased it for R42.95! What a bargain! My grandmother and Leebeesa each purchased me a two pack and now I should have enough to last me a while again. It is really awesome to be wearing bras that fit. I’ve been wearing ill fitting bras and feeding bras for the past two years. Enough of that!

 

 

 

Rudi and I went shopping for my birthday gift on Saturday as well. I couldn’t decide what I wanted and bras were really the only thing that I needed, so on a whim I told him I want expensive perfume. My favourite perfume is Christian Dior’s Hypnotic Poison, but since I already have some of that from the last time he bought me (easily 3 years ago) I thought I’d opt for something different. I was quite overwhelmed. You get so many different fragrances and even knowing where to start is daunting. After smelling a few I gravitated towards something I’ve loved on other people, but because it is so expensive I have never dared ask someone to buy it for me, let alone buy it for myself. Enter Issey Miyake. I sprayed some on one of the open spots on my arm and even 30 minutes later I was still in love. I managed to twist Rudi’s arm to get it and it is mine!

 

 

 

Issey Miyake

 

 

 

We are going to visit Christelle and Dion on my birthday for lunch. We really enjoy going there and the kids had so much fun the last time we were there I didn’t care that the first available Saturday for us both fell on my birthday. It’s a win win situation. Rudi has company that he enjoys, Babyice has a friend to play with and I have good company too. The food is also always different and delicious. Why the hell not?! Like I said, I couldn’t be arsed to make other plans anyway. I will probably do cake and tea with my family on Sunday. They will insist. That is after church and Baba Indaba! It’s going to be a busy weekend.

 

 

 

I realized this morning that I have been pregnant on my 28th (Jamie), 29th (Babyice) and now my 31st birthdays! It’s been a rough couple of years!

 

Scared

On Friday the gynae said something. Something small. I was fine all weekend, but I woke up this morning with a sense of foreboding. A horrible fear. I thought about how he measured and re-measured and measured again. About how he sighed. He has sighed like that before. The day he was scanning Jamie. Just before the devastating news. When he sighed like that I knew he saw something that troubled him. My heart sank a little and I was once again very disappointed that Rudi wasn’t there.

 

So this morning I was on the verge of tears all morning. Not able to say anything out loud. Rudi was not compassionate. Told me to shush and stop being negative. I scolded him later and told him that shushing me was not the way to deal with it. Eventually later at work he sent me a message saying he is sure everything is fine.

 

I am allowed to be scared. I have every right to fear the unknown and things I do not have direct control over. I can fear the worst because I have lived through it! It is not something that happens to other people. Yes, I have a bouncy, beautiful and healthy child at home, but I also have a child in the grave. A girl child. When the gynae said that this is a stage of variables, he also said ‘not sure if she is struggling’. Fuck man. Why say that? Why say that to a woman who knows the darkness that lies beyond bad news?

 

I feel better after discussing it with a friend. I’m sure that the gynae would not have stretched my next appointment for 5 – 5 1/2 weeks if he needed to check something in between. If he was worried he would of wanted to see me sooner to check her progress. Right? Right. I’m still worried though. It still niggles at me. I suppose I will never ever be able to just enjoy this pregnancy without feeling hesitant. I will forever live in fear of another child being taken from me, even once they are outside me.

 

Just another 5 1/2 months before I can step off this particular hormonal roller coaster…and onto another.

 

I cannot wait to start feeling her kick me. Perhaps that will bring me some comfort. Maybe that will provide some reassurance that she is okay.

Tests e-jissus

I can’t believe I forgot to blog this…but I won some nappies! After entering numerous online competitions and losing each time I decided I would boycott them all. I then saw another nappy competition for Pampers Sensitive nappies on Living Lionheart‘s blog. Another blogger had run the same competition, I had entered and not won. I thought ‘Fine. LAST one.’ and I entered. I was randomly selected! I won two packs of Pampers Sensitive nappies and wipes, which will be couriered to me. That’s awesome. Stacey actually said she had a chuckle when she saw my comment started with ‘I never win these things…’. I’m already starting to feel like I’m supposed to be hoarding nappies and this will be the first procured in the long line of packs to come. I suppose my luck is all used up now and I can go back to boycotting online competitions.

 

This morning I ordered my first Toddler Box from My Baby Box. The concept is very cool and similar to the ‘Glossy Box’ and ‘Ruby Box’ boxes people are offering online now, but these apply solely to pregnancy/baby/toddler. After seeing what they popped in the July boxes I just had to order myself one. It’s only R130.00 per month (and you can choose if you want once off or a subscription) and that includes sending your box to your door if you’re living in an area where the courier delivers normally. I’m excited to see what I’m going to get! I figured I’d get a toddler box since I have a toddler and there isn’t any sense in getting a baby box yet. I picked a once off box to see how much I really like it and to see how it fits into my budget.

 

I’m busy hunting for a new photographer. Since Cazpix has left the Western Cape for stinky JHB greener pastures, I have been left without a genius to photograph our baby bump and newborn when the time arrives. It is tedious…and pricey. I’ve mailed quite a few photographers for quotes, since a lot of them don’t state their packages on their websites and am waiting for replies from most of them. I’m going to have to tuck some money away for this.

 

This weekend I tentatively stepped on the scale. I decided before I did so that I would make peace with whatever number came up. I am pregnant, after all. I was more than surprised to see that I have actually lost weight since I’m pregnant! Must be the morning sickness/portion control this baby is inducing. It is really strange to me that I can’t eat as much when I’m pregnant as I could before. I always reasoned that it was because there was less space for my stomach to expand inside of me, but it’s not as if the baby is taking up much space now. I’m not complaining though.  When I was pregnant with Babyice I picked up 15 kg and lost 10 kg when he was born. That was pretty good. I always feared I would be one of those women that picked up 40 kg while pregnant and lost 5 kg when the baby came. My children are merciful on my “physique” and for this I am grateful.

 

On Saturday the domestic showed up bright and early. She went about her work and managed to break a few things. A glass bowl, which is fine. It was an accident and it was a really cheap glass bowl to begin with…and then something I noticed after she left which she neglected to mention. My very expensive Paul Mitchell shampoo is broken. It must of fallen while she was busy cleaning the shower, but luckily for her it was just the lid that a chunk came out of. I can still get the shampoo out of it and none of the gold liquid seems to be missing, so it isn’t really a big deal. If the bottle had broken and all the shampoo had leaked out I would of been upset. No harm, no foul.

 

While the domestic was there Babyice somehow found the hundreds and thousands. I managed to pry it from his hands before he figured out how to open the container, I was too late for the parmesan though (same type of container). He kept nagging for the hundreds and thousands and I calmly explained to him that he can’t play with it, it is for cupcakes. Mistake. Then he kept asking for cupcakes. So I decided I would bake for him, but waited till the domestic left and ultimately only ended up baking them on Saturday night after Rudi had obtained some more flour for me. Rudi asked me to put nuts in the cupcakes, but I suggested he get me some shortcake Tumbles (chocolate covered shortcake). He ended up bringing home peanut Tumbles, but they did the trick. I ended up icing them on Sunday after church and could not for the life of me find my wonderful piping bag 🙁 I had to ice them old school with a knife, so they didn’t look very pretty, but they are delicious! I brought some for a few of my friends at work and everybody loved them (especially the surprise inside).

 

Cupcakes

 

On Thursday night Babyice asked me for a biscuit and after taking a bite he said to me ‘Mommy, tests e-jissus’. I asked him to repeat himself and finally figured out he was saying ‘tastes delicious’. I was quite chuffed with this and giggled at him and made him repeat it for his father the next day. He has now noticed that we think it is cute and every time he eats something he likes he says ‘tests e-jissus’. This was cute and funny until he decided to say it in church. You see, ‘jissus’ is a casual way of saying ‘Jesus’ in our culture. Even though it’s pronounced differently from Jesus or the Afrikaans pronunciation of Jesus, it is implied. So when he took a sip of his juice on Sunday in church and turned to me with a big grin on his face ‘tests e-jissus’ I had to say ‘Yes, it tastes delicious’ just to clarify what he was saying. He decided his juice was delicious after each sip. The earth could of swallowed me whole!

 

Feeling better

I was man down the entire weekend. I had really bad headaches, even while I was sleeping and the blocked nose/snot machine was working in full force. The headaches were NOT funny. I tried to go and renew my driver’s license on Saturday, but the caravan that is normally parked outside the traffic department was not there. This handy caravan takes your photos for you on the spot before you head in. So we went in search of somewhere in the vicinity that could take pictures for me. Nothing. Zip. Our home affairs office, which is as bad as the traffic department, has a fish and chips shop next door to it which not only takes photos, but will you sell you a pen to fill out your form with. Eventually I relented and let Rudi go to the traffic department to go and secure his appointment for his code 14 learner’s license test. Turns out I couldn’t renew my driver’s licence on a Saturday anyway. Monday to Friday. GAH! Luckily I won’t have to take leave because a colleague has kindly offered to take me to a traffic department near work to do the most boring admin on earth.

 

On Saturday morning our latest domestic attempt arrived. In the rain. From very far away. She is a young Zimbabwean lady, referred to us by our neighbour. She already works 5 days a week, but was willing to come and work for us on Saturdays in addition to that (bless her heart!). She arrived at about 09:00 and was finished with everything we required her to do by about 14:30. She did start washing windows and such, but I stressed to her that she didn’t have to finish spring cleaning the house in one day. I told her the basics we had discussed the morning needed to be done and if she had extra time to do one or two things she should do them then. She did find the time to straighten out Rudi’s cupboard which was in a shambles. She refused any lunch or coffee until she had finished her work. She then had two sandwiches and a cup of coffee. It came time to pay her and I handed over cash, as is customary. She said in future I may pay her at the end of the month. Very unusual, but also indicates to me that she plans on pitching up for the rest of the month. I took a shot in the dark and it turns out she has a bank account (at least her sister does) and I can EFT money to her! It’s like a dream come true. She also put a gold ring of mine that Babyice had tossed around in our room somewhere and some change she had found on my dressing table. I know at least two of my prior domestics would have taken the change for themselves. So for now our domestic troubles are over. We still need to do the laundry and dry it, but I am happy with that arrangement if all else is in order.

 

After a weekend of feeling absolutely terrible, I am starting to feel less congested. I switched to saline solution and suddenly it seems to be helping, although I’m sure it didn’t really before. That means I’m off the Illiadin for now, which is great. The headaches are still coming and going, but I suspect these may be from the pregnancy as well since I had them around the same time when I was pregnant with Babyice. Now that the congestion is gone and I have my sense of taste  again, the horrible taste in my mouth which was contributing to my nausea is back. With the nausea. Great hey?! I was really hoping to kick the nausea around the 12 week mark, but here we are going on 14 weeks with it still interfering with my life. Maybe it’s a girl thing. Although Jamie was a special case all around, I remember the nausea (a LOT more sever than this) lingering till about 15 weeks. I’m going to cling to that. Tightly. I think my gynae’s plan was to schedule my appointment with him as far as possible into the future to ensure that all my first trimester woes were a thing of the past when I next see him. He’s a clever one that. 10 days before I see him again. Let’s see if his guess was correct*.

 

Work is working on my nerves. I am very blessed to be able to look forward to maternity leave where I can be free of the worries of work for 6 months. Roll on December!

 

*I actually know he scheduled my appointment for an optimal time to do some blood tests, but I’m sure this was a bonus.

Catch up

You would swear I have nothing to blog about. Where to start?

 

I got my specs…a while ago actually. They need to be adjusted slightly. I haven’t started wearing them yet. I need to go back to the optometrist to check out how my eyes are doing with the new contact lenses she has me trying out. I’ll have them adjusted when I go. Perhaps I should make a turn there this afternoon. I promised a picture:

 

New specs

 

Frame

 

I think I chose a nice frame and that they suit me. I wore them to work once on a weekend. Nobody even flinched. I am yet to test the waters when everyone is here.

 

My skin is looking heaps better! It took just over a week for me to look at it and say that there is a big improvement. It is most definitely the new skin regime that is bearing fruit. Over the weekend I was a bit lax and skipped either my morning/evening routine on alternate days and my skin broke out again. I have since been doing it religiously and it started paying off. Those extra few minutes that it takes are really, really worth it. I feel a LOT less self conscious about my skin. I’ve even contemplated going back to The Body Shop and finding more products. I only have a face wash, toner and day cream now. I was thinking to perhaps get something for the evening and maybe an eye cream. The products obviously work and they don’t cost nearly as much as you would pay for something from a cosmetic house. I am very impressed. I also read on baby centre that you should be very gentle with your skin. The first thing you want to do when your skin breaks out is to scrub it. Like that will take the ugly away. The advice there is not to scrub or exfoliate or rub hard, but to dab and rinse and pat your skin. I have been following that advice and it is working for me. They also make mention that the hormones causing bad skin can come and go during pregnancy, but I’m not getting any younger and looking after my skin is something I should have been doing for a long time.

 

On Sunday morning Babyice woke up with a fever of 39 degrees. We medicated him and he was fine for most of the day. Around 18:00 his fever spiked again and almost hit 40. Panic stations. You all know how fevers freak me out and this was no different. Babyice actually had chills from the fever and that made me even more panicky. I’ve never had to deal with chills before. I may have started crying. Rudi was not impressed (with me crying). We popped him into a lukewarm bath and I gave him a Voltaren suppository. We managed to break the fever, but knew that we had to be on standby for another possible spike. I didn’t want to give him Stopayne (which had kept his fever under control since the morning) because I was afraid it would put him in too deep a sleep to rouse us if something went wrong. At 00:40 he spiked again. 39.9. We made a judgment call. I gave him Stopayne and we took him to the emergency room. I almost bolted for the door while we were waiting to see the doctor since he started to feel cooler, but by the time I had mentioned it to Rudi the doctor came out and picked up his file. I was right, his fever had broken. It was probably a combination of the Stopayne and cold air to and from the car. He didn’t spike again. So in hindsight we could have skipped the trip to the emergency room and saved a bunch of money by taking him to his regular GP later in the day. He was diagnosed with another throat infection and sinusitis. I suspect that the throat infections are stemming from his two year molars erupting, but I could be wrong.  I felt so ill when we got home from the emergency room and struggled to go sleep. My poor baby. He is doing much better now though. The doctor gave him a really high dosage of antibiotics and we’re feeding him plenty of probiotics to help. I have learnt that Stopayne REALLY klaps a fever. Yes, I am aware that it has Codeine in it and we use it for emergencies. It is not his regular fever medication, but when fevers soar so close to 40, I am completely comfortable using something that works for us.

 

Today is my grandfather’s birthday. He would of been 72. I still miss him so much. Very much. I remember the last birthday he was still with us. It was a Sunday. They called him up to the altar at church and the congregation sang for him. I stood at the back of the church and cried. I knew it would be his last birthday with us. The doctors had already told him there was nothing more that they can do for him. 5 months and 4 days after that day he was gone. I called my grandmother earlier to see how she is doing. I think she forgot it is his birthday. She didn’t mention it. She is still prone to cry when she thinks of him, understandably so. I didn’t have the heart to remind her. I wasn’t even there to comfort her. So I just checked how she was and she says she is doing fine. I have been okay today. Although I have found myself on the verge of tears each time I think about it. I have managed not to break down into the ugly cry. So time heals our hearts. As Leebeesa said, my Oupa wouldn’t want me to be sad. He would want me to remember him fondly. I know that. It is easier said than done sometimes though and my heart still aches and my eyes still leak.

 

The pregnancy is going well I suppose. There is always that uncertainty between gynae appointments and actually seeing the baby and how much it has grown and how it has developed. I still suffer from all day sickness most every day. I cannot stand the smell of coffee and won’t attempt to drink it. I have a bad taste in my mouth all the time, which contributes to my nausea and I find that sucking a sweet helps me feel better temporarily. Not great for the hips. I don’t do ginger. I know it is supposed to help, but it doesn’t for me. On Friday I will be 10 weeks, hopefully just two more weeks of nausea to suffer through. My tummy has popped out. Strangely the part of my stomach above my belly button, nowhere near where my uterus is at the moment. Maybe it’s the sweets!

 

To end off…this is what is happening while I am getting ready for work in the mornings (I get up the earliest):

 

Buggers. Cute buggers.

Sad news

So we’ve had potential bad news about my grandfather. About a week and half ago he was experiencing abdominal pain. He was concerned about it and went straight to his oncologist. The oncologist drew blood and last week he received the results. The oncologist believes the results indicate that his cancer is spreading. He had to go for a scan that costs around R6 000, so the doctors needed to get this approved by his medical aid before they could make a proper assessment of what is going on with him. He says he is ready to die. He refuses to go through chemo again. After his last chemo experience I’m not very surprised. I don’t think I’ll be able to talk him into it again. I also half heartedly decided it’s not my place to. He went for the scan yesterday and we are waiting to hear the results.

 

If I expect my grandfather to respect my wishes, I need to respect his. He feels ready to die. He feels that his affairs with God are in order. He is perfectly content not to carry on living. Not having him around will be a great loss to me. He has been like a father to me all my life. I love him very dearly. I fear losing him. I think it is brave of him to let go. I don’t think I could make that decision for myself.  To a certain extent I feel that the decision is selfish, but on the other hand it is selfish for me to expect him to spend what could be his last days suffering through chemo.

 

I have not heard from My Evil Mother since I asked her to stop contacting me, but she is haunting my dreams again. I think on a subconscious level this must really be bothering me a lot more than I think. When I’m awake I barely think about it and my grandparents do slip up every now and then, but it’s not like it used to be. Except for today, when I called my grandfather he *had* to tell me that My Evil Mother wanted to take back something my grandmother had bought for her on one of her accounts because she needs the money. My grandmother gave her the account number *dope* Stupid woman. The last time my grandfather gave My Evil Mother his bank account number she managed to get debit orders for things going off on it which he battled endlessly to stop. I kept telling my grandfather I didn’t want to hear about it, but he finished the story before telling me ‘I won’t tell you about it then’. Uh. A little late for that.

 

The pregnancy seems to be going well. It’s so hard to tell with a 6 week stretch between appointments. By the time you get to the last week (incidentally this week) you feel like you have no idea what is going on anymore. You have no idea how big your baby is, whether he is okay, whether your placenta is in the right place, etc. Luckily we get another peek next Monday. I trust everything is okay,  I feel him moving around. He is a lazy bugger though, he doesn’t keep me awake or anything. I am grateful for that.  This morning my ankles and wrists feel a bit sore. I’m not swollen or anything, but I can definitely feel the water retention. Babyice has also turned into a position where his feet or hands or whatever seem to be directly above my bladder. I almost thought I was going have an accident at my desk yesterday when he decided to kick/punch me! Ooooops! How blind would that be?

 

We have a teambuilding at work tomorrow. We’ll be going to a children’s home and spending our time improving the place for them. I don’t do charitable things often (shame on me), so it will be nice. I’ll let you all know how it goes!

Meh

I’m having an offish day today. I woke up this morning wanting to cry. Just the thought of having to come to work and face a potentially grumpy boss made me feel hopeless. He snapped at me yesterday and again made me feel incompetent (what he is best at it seems) and that has just lingered on through to today. Rudi wasn’t very impressed when I started bawling in the car on the way to work. Last night I lay awake worrying about work issues, something I was crapped on for by my boss on Monday. This morning I decided to be proactive and work at it, trying to improve and I got a snotty response from the person I need to resolve the problem. I said: “Please follow up on this call this morning. The customer has already called back and logged another complaint. Your urgent assistance would be appreciated”. His response was “I did follow up on the call and I know how to do my job and what is expected.” What the hell? Was that really necessary? I replied to his e-mail and explained to him that I did not mean to imply that he does not know how to do his job. What a tosser.

 

Pile on top of that the fact that I’m sick and you have all the ingredients for a pity party for one. I developed a cough around Sunday night and it’s getting quite chesty. The constant coughing is also making my throat sore…something I loathe. I haven’t stayed home yet and don’t really see the point of paying a doctor R300.00 if he can’t prescribe me medicine. Maybe it will just go away. If it gets any worse I suppose I’ll be forced to go to the doctor, but I’m not going to be happy if medication is required. Things are going really well with this pregnancy and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize it.

 

So today I’m going to be a whiny bitch and tomorrow I might just decide not to get out of bed.

Worried about being worried

I know it sounds stupid. I’ve been told to be ‘zen’ and stay as calm and relaxed as possible. Calm mommy = calm baby. I definitely want a calm and happy baby…but I feel like I’m not relaxed enough, you know?

 

Example: I get all frustrated and worked up when Rudi and I play Sonic on the Playstation and then I think ‘I shouldn’t be playing this, it’s frustrating me and that’s not relaxing’. I’m overwhelmed by Babyice’s room that looks like a garage at the moment with all the crap in the world stacked up in it. I’m worried about money. The only time I was ever worried about money in my life is when My Evil Mother put me into so much debt I couldn’t meet the payments when she stopped paying. I know you always  make a plan when you have a child. Your child will never want for anything and you’ll always have enough food, nappies, formula or whatever. I think that pseudo shopping trip into the baby shop where I spend R7 000 in my head buying some basic necessities for the baby room (yes, ok…furniture) kind of scared me into thinking about the fact that we only have a few short months to get all of those things before the baby is here. We definitely don’t have money problems. We have everything we need and most of the things we could want, but you never know what this new addition to the family is going to cost. I have to get a new car. I cannot possibly consider keeping my two door Corsa. Getting baby in and out the back will be an uphill battle and a pram won’t fit into the boot.

 

I also really want to breastfeed Babyice and I’ve heard so many stories about women who struggle and give up. I want to breastfeed for at least 6 months and I’m scared it won’t “come naturally” to me and that I won’t have that automatic maternal instinct that other women have. What if I don’t immediately bond with my baby? That happens, you know. It happens a lot. What if I suffer from post natal depression and have nobody to help me when I need it?

 

So…now I worry that I worry too much and am not relaxed and calm enough to ensure a happy journey for Babyice in my body. I’m not generally someone who worries…but impending motherhood has got me to worrying. I guess I’ll always worry from now on. I have a whole person who will be relying on me not to screw him up. Talk about responsibility!

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