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Tag Archives: James

+/-0kg

OK. So I cheated a little with my weigh in this morning. When I first stepped on the scale it said I had gained 1.2kg. I refused to believe it and got on again. +600g. Stepped on again, no gain, no loss. Stepped on again, no gain, no loss. I weighed like 5 times consecutively and 3 out of those 5 it said no gain, no loss. I think that wins, OK?

I really wish the side effects of the cortisone injection I got would go away. I’m still suffering from insomnia, wake up with heartburn every morning and am starving ALL THE TIME. I’m hungry right now. I had a slice of toast at around 6AM. It’s 2 hours and 10 minutes later and I feel like I haven’t eaten for an entire day. It’s SO difficult because I’m trying to avoid eating so that I don’t screw up my weight loss, but I’m HUNGRY! The doctor also warned that I might retain water. Yesterday I drank my full water quota (1.5 litres) and I only went to the loo twice. That’s unusual, so it must still be hanging around somewhere in my body. Although…I totally have PMS so weight gain, water retention and hunger all come along with that as well.

Also, my left wrist is really sore. When I had German measles in 2007 all my joints ached so that I could barely walk. Sometimes my ankles still hurt, but since yesterday its been my left wrist. It’s difficult to lift things and stuff. Plus my muscles in my back are starting to ache like they did before and I’m kind of worried that I’m getting sick again. Maybe I’m still getting better. Who knows?

I still need to decide where to get my tattoo. I thought I had decided to put it under the butterfly I already have, but quite a few people have said they don’t think that’s a good idea. My (conservative) grandfather included! My grandfather feels that it is a commemorative tattoo and if the intention is that I am to be reminded of James that I should have it somewhere where I can see it. He suggested the inside of my arm, but I’m not fond of that. I told him that I had considered having it done on my wrist and he thought that a good idea. Sarah also suggested my wrist, as did Leebeesa. Consensus seems to be that it would be a good place to have it. Rudi didn’t like the idea at first, but conceded last night that it would be a good spot. Wenchy recently had a Yin Yang symbol tattooed on her wrist so I asked her how much it hurt…apparently it hurts a lot. *shrug* I suppose it can’t be worse than induced labour.

3 more sleeps till George!

I saw the sign

It was amazing. It was like a sign.

Yesterday I spent a lot of time thinking about and planning getting my tattoo. I worked out my budget, decided where I wanted it and how big I wanted it to be. I saved it on a memory stick and planned to get a quote for it as soon as possible. I even decided I’d have it done soon after we come back from George.

Yesterday around two the doctor called and advised me that I could pick up my prescription, he had left it at his practice for me. I was hoping they’d fax it to the pharmacy near my house, but they didn’t. Rudi picked Lindor up from work and we went on our way to fetch my sleeping tablets. Lindor usually insists on stopping at a bottle store very close to where I work so they can have a beer – yes, in the car. It irritates me to no end, but for some reason he didn’t say anything yesterday. It just annoys me that having a beer is *that* urgent. It can freaking wait as far as I’m concerned. It’s also not as if it only happens on a Friday. Any day we give him a lift home a stop at the first bottle store is mandatory. Anyway, since we had to go to the doctor’s office I suggested we stop at a small bottle store on the way there.

Low and behold, at the very same bottle store at the very same time was the guy who had re-done my current tattoo. I haven’t seen him since he re-inked me and that was at least 4 years ago. He had a look at my tattoo and said he wants to do the purple over. You can see the photo of my current tattoo here. Tristan added the flowing ‘tails’ to the wings as well. He gave me his number and said he’d be happy to do it for me. Suddenly I am super excited. I would have done it yesterday if I could!

Sherbet. I haven’t touched my work yet. I guess I better get going if I want to get out of here at a reasonable hour!

Next week will be exciting!

I’m feeling slightly better today. I managed to get in another good night’s rest last night after taking my last sleeping tablet. I just called the doctor and the receptionist has said she will ask him to call me back. He’s only in until 11AM today and I only called him around 10:30, so I hope he gets around to calling me back and will write a prescription for me. I’m also really hungry all the time, which is something the doctor did warn me about, but I’m doing my best to keep that under control with sheer will power. As if I have a lot of that. I am just trying to keep my 9kg loss in mind and hoping I don’t mess it up! I’ve brought my water with to work and already finished more than half of it. I can’t exercise as yet…my cough is still lingering and I become tired and short of breath very easily, so I’ll keep that on the back burner for a while.

I finished my antibiotics and no longer seem to need any pain medication as my muscle aches have subsided to an acceptable level. I still reach for the cough mixture or inhaler every now and then, but I’m using these less and less. Now if my appetite would subside, I could sleep like I need to and I could have my energy back I would once again be a happy camper.

Yesterday I intended to make a few lists. A shopping list, a list of things to be packed when we go to George next weekend…eventually I decided to make a list of lists I need to make, but as you may have noticed yesterday was a write off for me. I need to make a list of things to pack for George because I always end up forgetting *something* important. When I told Rudi I want to make a shopping list he said ‘We need everything’. No we don’t! I want to make a list of everything we specifically need plus a few items like a new electric toothbrush I want for myself.

Two more things have me excited. On Monday when I get paid I will be paying off the pathologist bill that I would only have finished paying in November had I stuck to the scheduled payments. After paying almost R2500.00 in the last two months the outstanding balance is less than R900.00. I will also be paying off everything *I* owe on my second credit card. I will be DEBT FREE save my car and our new TV (of which I am only paying half – around R2500.00.

What will I do to celebrate? I’m going to get my new tattoo. I’m pretty sure I’ll have enough money left over once I’ve paid everything. I’ve decided to have the following one done below the butterfly I already have on my right shoulder (it will be between 5 and 6 centimetres across):

I know the starting price for tatoos where I will have it done is R350.00. I think they will most likely charge around R500.00 to do it for me as it’s not huge and not very intricate. I’m not sure if they will ask an extra fee because the design is not their own, but they shouldn’t. I’ll most likely only have it done when we return from George after next weekend.

I can’t wait! Pay day, freedom from debt, a trip to George and then my tattoo!

Emo

I feel so emo today. It’s not anybody’s fault. I suppose it’s just a culmination of things that have made me feel distraught and inconsolable.

I had the day off work today. The Company was nice enough to make allowance for us to observe Ascension Day today. Last night Rudi went to play darts. I asked him very nicely not to wake me when he got home as I am already having trouble sleeping and would have taken my second last sleeping tablet. I didn’t know if I would be able to get back to sleep if I was disturbed. He woke me up anyway.

This morning I went to church, after which my grandmother picked up My Evil Mother for work and we went off to the supermarket where I bought some things to make a nice dinner for Rudi. I managed to sleep for about 30 minutes this afternoon, but my much needed nap was rudely interrupted by a phone call from work which I rejected. The damage was done though.

Shortly after this my grandfather called. He had gone for another colonoscopy today. It was a routine check up after his operation last year in which they removed about 10 centimeters of his colon. They found an abnormality. They took a sample and have sent it away for testing. It could be more cancer. It seems I will need to start facing the fact that my grandfather is not going to be with us much longer. I never expected it to turn out this way. My Oupa was meant to be around to see my baby.

At some stage during the day I was looking for something for heartburn – one of the many tablets I’m taking at the moment seems to cause it. While shuffling through our cupboards I came across the positive pregnancy test I had taken last year, like I wasn’t feeling sad enough already. The longing for a baby has been coming back rather strongly lately, very strongly. I can’t deny it anymore. As hard is it seems to be to just get pregnant, other negative thoughts have been creeping into my mind. Getting pregnant is only half the battle won; there are still a million things that could go wrong after conception has taken place. You have to get pregnant first though…and that seems to be proving much more time consuming that I would have liked.

So to distract myself I set about cooking supper. I made some chicken, roast vegetables and baby potatoes with garlic butter. Elaborate for me. Rudi usually cooks, but seeing as how I was at home I thought I would treat him. Rudi came home on time and upon seeing the meal I prepared for him he looked at me expectantly and said ‘What’s for pudding?’

Snap. That did it.

I went from zero to bitch in 0.2 seconds.

I just feel like crying. I’m still exhausted. My sleeping tablets are finished. Turns out they’re a schedule 5 drug and the doctor was not in today for me to call to ask for a script. I lay in Rudi’s arms for a while and cried a bit. He hates it when I cry. It frustrates him. He’s never really known how to handle it properly. He asked what the matter is, but the truth is I don’t want to talk about it. I would just start crying and that would just make him feel more helpless. He can’t fix it. He can’t say anything to make it better. He can’t change it.
I find that when I am in dire emotional need I have friends that are there for me. Friends, who are willing to help and do almost anything, Leebeesa for instance, when I was in hospital last year I swear I could have asked her for anything and she would have been prepared to do it, the problem is, when you’re THAT down and out, there is nothing anyone can say or do that can make things better. This is no fault of theirs. You’re inconsolable. That’s simply what it is to be inconsolable.

Lately I find that the internet has been a great source of comfort for me. My blog: an outlet like no other. Twitter, a stream of consciousness, constant support and people who care. Your Parenting Community…wonderful women on there. I’m not sure what would have happened to me if I didn’t have these people and these things in my life.

I do not know if I would have made it. Thank you, every single person who has reached out to me, who has acknowledged me…who has spared me a gesture, a thought, a comment, a prayer, a tweet, a call or an SMS. Even if you are only reading this, I might not have been able to blog today had it not been for YOU.

Help me choose my tattoo!

So I’ve decided to follow Angel‘s advice and am rather having my tattoo done in English as I could never really tell what was being permanently etched onto my skin in a foreign script. After googling ‘James’ in Chinese lettering I found symbols completely different from the ones we saw at the tattoo parlour. Rather safe than sorry!

So I received an e-mail from SAMoms (a Yahoo group I am part of) which led me to this site which has endless fonts for tattoos. I have chosen three fonts which I like, but haven’t settled on a particular one. Help me choose! The size varies in these pics, but the website allows you to enlarge the fonts as well. Drop me a comment and tell me which one you like!

1.
2.
3.

Although this is not a democracy, I’m sure I could be swayed by number of votes to get a certain one. So send your friends here to choose their favourite too and drop me a comment!

I’ve been booked off sick today. I was feeling terrible yesterday and made an appointment to see the doctor after work. I went to see a new doctor since my regular GP was away. He was SUCH a nice man. Very personable, polite and friendly. I might even go to him again. He says I am developing flu, but don’t need to worry about menangitis or anything serious. He gave me some medicine for my symptoms, booked me off for today and sent me on my merry way. I feel a little worse today, but the medicine is helping. It always gets worse before it gets better hey. The doctor gave me something called Empacod, the pharmacist said ‘This has Codeine in it, so it will make you feel lekker (nice)’. I usually take Adcodol so I’m familiar with Codeine and it’s never really done anything for me, but these tablets have given me a *slight* buzz. Nice.

Tomorrow I have a hair appointment. I hope my hairdresser can even out the colour and give me a nice cut. I’m in the mood for a new style…but still don’t want to lose my length. Will chat to her about some bangs or a fringe or something. I’m very nervous to get a fringe – it’s really high maintenance to make sure it always looks good. I think I could handle bangs, you can always stick them behind your ears if they get in the way.

We have guests coming over for a braai (BBQ) tonight and Rudi has left the house in a glorious mess, so even though I’m sick I still have to clean. Ugh.

Now don’t forget to comment and tell me which tattoo you like!

Mother’s Day

So Sunday would have been/is my first Mother’s Day. It will be another difficult day. Do they never end? I guess not. Rudi said something about going to his mother’s house for a pot roast or something to celebrate. I suppose I would have objected if James was still with us. I would have wanted my very own Mother’s Day with my new baby. I would have wanted to spend it with our small little family. Our new family.

That dream didn’t pan out. Better luck next time. Pffft.

Sarah cut my hair for me on Tuesday…a valiant effort, but not 100% right. I have made a hair appointment for Saturday to have my colour evened out and a proper haircut. I’ve already spent over R330 on colour alone and now the hair appointment is going to cost me another R350. I should have gone to the hairdresser in the first place. If I ever mention trying to colour my hair again – slap me and tell me to make an appointment with the hairdresser.

Can’t wait to see what we’re getting from work for Mother’s Day. There are piles of boxes waiting to be unpacked…obviously they are keeping us guessing. All the women in the company get something and on Father’s Day all the men get something…so at least I won’t be left out of that.

Work is still hectic. I anticipate for the pace to continue until the end of the month. The promotion that has been causing all the problems will then be over and we can hopefully breathe again. I better go and earn my salary.

+/-0kg

I didn’t gain any weight. Thank goodness. I need to get my mind right again and start working towards good results. I told Rudi this morning, even if we don’t start eating right immediately we should at least start exercising again.

I am sad today. Today it has been six months since James died. Sjoe. That was hard to type. I’m feeling very tearful and emotional. I feel so frustrated that these feelings keep bubbling up when I least expect them to. Today one of the pregnant women in the office was speaking very loudly about how wonderful her scan was and how amazing everything is (it’s her second child) and it stung. I really don’t resent her or blame her for being pregnant, it’s just hard to hear these things when I had a taste of that myself and then it was gone. Pregnancy for me has a lot of negative memories – all the happy memories I have, like hearing his heartbeat or seeing him yawn on the scan have been tainted by the pain, hurt and loss that I feel.

I feel *so* bad for feeling this way. I feel resentful, bitter and jealous and then I feel guilty for feeling resentful, bitter and jealous. These are all ugly emotions that I don’t like, but seem to feel anyway. I can’t stop it, can I? Can I?

Rudi is sick today. He says he has been throwing up. I’ve made an appointment for him at the doctor. I hope he is OK and that I don’t get whatever he has. I am not in the mood for being sick. I already feel quite run down emotionally. I don’t need to feel bad physically as well.

Thanks to my friends on Twitter for their support…and everyone who contacted me today to show they care. I love you!

Voting, TV, Death and Birth

So. Let’s start with some happy news before we get to the grim stuff.

Yesterday I voted in our national and provincial elections. Afterwards I went to claim a free coffee from Wimpy (a chain restaurant in South Africa) after producing my inked thumb:

After having breakfast at the Wimpy we walked around the mall a while and Rudi dragged me to go and look at the flat screen TV’s *again*. He really has been nagging for one for a long, long time. There were a number of ‘Election Day Specials’ and we found one that I was willing to get!

You’ll remember our TV used to look like this:

Now it looks like this:

Despite digging my heels in about buying such a big TV that we don’t *need*, I must say I quite like it. I sat putting the batteries (which were included) into the remote and tuning all the channels in. I wiped it with the special cloth which was provided to remove Rudi’s fingerprints after he set it up. I connected the media player to start watching…I’m like an excited kid with a new toy. Perhaps even more so than Rudi.

Now to slightly worse news. Work isn’t getting any better. I haven’t been able to read blogs, properly read mail…or do anything that isn’t work for a few weeks now. I’ve been working flat out, no lunch breaks. My whole team has. I feel quite disconnected with the outside world while I’m at work – aside from the little bit of twitter I get in in the morning while the work is being divided up. So if I’m scarce or I don’t respond to your e-mail or comment on your blog – you know why. Work will probably be like this till the end of May. Heaven forbid, but it’s possible.

Now for the worst news. My grandfather went to go and see his doctor. There are still 4 spots of cancer on his liver, which they can remove if he undergoes a major operation. They also took an x-ray of his lungs to see if the cancer has spread there. If the cancer has spread to his lungs there is nothing they can do for him and he has 6 months to a year to live. The doctor said he could always go for another 2 rounds of chemo – but my grandfather would much rather die. He tries to make light of it and makes jokes about it, but I am really hurt. Leebeesa and I were talking about it this morning. She reckons he is probably trying to make it easier for us by pretending he is OK with it, or that he is ready. He is only 69 (in June). That is neither old nor young. He keeps saying “It’s OK I can’t wait to see little Jimmy” (he calls James that). Yesterday I told him he better stick around because I want him to meet James’ brother or sister. Even if I am pregnant at this very minute and he only makes it to 6 months it will be too late.

My grandfather has always wanted to have a great grandchild. I want to give him one, but at the same time I don’t want to hurt myself. If you have been reading my blog you will know how I feel about trying to conceive right now. It’s so difficult and so emotionally draining. I’m sure many women who have been through infertility or a loss will understand that.

All that being said, it has not yet been confirmed that the cancer has spread to his lungs. I called him earlier to find out if he had hear and he had not. He is hoping for no phone call as this would imply that everything is OK. I am praying for no phone call myself (goes without saying).

Leebeesa has recommended we start trying again, because you never know what is going to happen. I don’t know if I have the strength to do it. Emotionally it started becoming really difficult for me. It also put a strain on my relationship with Rudi. He doesn’t understand my emotions and seems oblivious to the fact that I feel like a failure each month we try (so hard) and don’t conceive. He is quite happy to ‘go with the flow’ and wait.

Stuck.

Good Weekend

Finally I have found some time to blog. The Company launched a new product on Friday and it is experiencing some teething problems to say the least. Of course I am working in the department that deals with the customer complaints for this specific product. I’m overjoyed. Not.

Other than that, life while not TTC (trying to conceive) is a happy time. I really feel much better and I find I am enjoying life much more without having to constrain myself all the time. Just going out and attending parties/braais (BBQ’s), not stressing about drinking a glass of wine. It truly is great. Perhaps that is why my mood is beginning to improve. May I also just say…sexy time…WOW. I forgot what that was like. I forgot how much fun it can be! OK…I didn’t *really* forget, it had just faded to the edges of my memory.

I went to go and see that girl…the one who gave birth on James’ due date. Apparently she didn’t realize. She is so nice and so sweet really. I feel bad for feeling resentful sometimes. Although, there are other aspects of her life that I am definitely not jealous of. Therein lies the balance I guess. I had to steel myself to go and see her and nearly started crying at some point during our conversation. She admits that having a newborn is extremely hard work, it all seems so overwhelming! I left her to go back to Sarah’s housewarming to further drown my sorrows (a perk of being neither pregnant nor parent)

Speaking of which…what a P.A.R.T.Y! The housewarming was awesome! Despite the fact that I was surrounded by skinny girls the whole night (really, almost all of them looked the same!) I really had a good time. Nothing like a couple of bottles of red wine and some vodka shots to throw your inhibitions out the window. Shame, Rudi was shattered. At some point he went to go sleep in the car. Poowa bebe.

We had a Chief Apostle service on Sunday morning. Our Chief Apostle serves communion for the departed souls. As I’ve mentioned before, in our religion we believe there is grace for those who have gone before us. I prayed that James would partake of communion with the other souls. It was quite emotional for me. After the communion for the departed souls was served, a young girl sang a solo. The name of the hymn was ‘I have a home’. It brought me to tears. I couldn’t help feel like it was a message for me from James. A small something to make me feel better. I’m sure there were many other people that could relate and felt comforted by this.

Nellie will be giving birth next week Tuesday. Time has flown so quickly and she’s nervous and excited. Nellie and I are both religious people. Sometimes we seem to have experiences of faith on behalf of each other. The opening hymn for our Chief Apostle service was ‘Dare to be a Daniel’ (obviously relating to the story of Daniel in the lion’s den). Nellie is naming her son Daniel. The hymns for such a service are *very* carefully selected and it seemed so apt. She was touched when I conveyed this to her. She gets it.

All in all I had a good weekend. I am so glad that I didn’t have to work with all the problems this new product has caused. Can’t wait for the long weekend!

Hard Work and Stuff

Sjoe. I worked *very* hard yesterday. We’re understaffed it seems, although the general perception seems to be that we can handle it. I leave work at 16:00 (I start at 07:00), usually I have 20 minutes or so at the end of the day to unwind, check e-mail or whatever. Yesterday I finished my work at 15:59. I really had to rush. It was horrible. I don’t really feel that each query gets the attention it needs when we’re so pressured, but hey. I’m doing the best I can!

Leebeesa is currently on holiday. She went to Holland, UK and Ireland. Yesterday she went to visit St. Patrick’s Cathedral and she wrote James’ name down in the prayer book there. That was so sweet of her. When she sent me a message to tell me about it I cried. Special.

Other than that it seems that it’s going to be another busy day at work. No time to write long blog entries today.

TGIF tomorrow…I can’t wait for my weekend off.

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