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Tag Archives: Healthy Lifestyle

Shifting Focus

I’m already feeling better today. I said to @Tertia on Twitter last night “I wish I could rewind to this time last year where I just didn’t care”. Wouldn’t that be nice? Just “not caring”. I know that parents would tell me to enjoy my alone time with Rudi, my sleep, my free time and my social calendar. These things all dramatically change when children arrive on the scene. It’s a little bit difficult for me to wrap my head around, because I’m sure a child brings joy into your life to the extent that you gladly sacrifice these things, but whatever. I don’t think I’m in a position to comprehend this right now.

I also read Tertia’s blog a little. I don’t have infertility problems (that I know of) like so many other women. I haven’t tried for years on end and spent heaps of money on fertility treatments. I should not be so hard on myself. My gynae told me that less than 50% of people get pregnant again within 6 months of a pregnancy. On 5 April it will be 5 months for us. I need to lighten up.

Despite all of this, I still had a terrible experience and no baby to show for it. I don’t think people quite understand that what we went through was not the same as a miscarriage. I don’t mean to downplay a miscarriage in any way as this is a traumatic experience for any woman and my heart goes out to them. Some people may even think that I should stop whining and be accountable as we made a decision to end the pregnancy. Like we had a choice. I carried our baby for 5 and a half months before he was taken away from us. I had bonded with him, seen him yawn on a scan, watched and heard his heartbeat, started picking names, received gifts and so much more. I had started moulding my life to get ready for the arrival of a baby. I was more than halfway through my pregnancy. Then there was nothing.

For the record I am not using any charting methods or anything right now. I’m only taking folic acid because it is very important to take to prevent birth defects. It’s dirt cheap too.

I need to start focusing on weight loss again. This has blurred out of focus in the last month and it’s just not acceptable! We are still walking, but it seems futile without the healthy eating. My weight is just hovering around the same number all the time and I’m getting frustrated despite not making a concerted effort to change it. Exercise really still feels like punishment and I still don’t enjoy it. It’s not getting easier (yet?). I need to get Rudi on board with me as well. It was easy when he was eating well with me, but lately he has been wanting things like pasta for supper and since he cooks…it’s difficult to say no.

So…I need to change the way I’m thinking about these two things and put some positive thoughts into some positive action. Easier said than done!

+/- 0kg

Another stand still week for me on the scale and I can honestly say I am relieved. I ate so many wrong things last week. I did, however, walk on Saturday and yesterday and drank my water on Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Monday. I know. I must do better and I must do so immediately. I am very fortunate that I have not picked up.

Rudi won me another teddy bear at one of those claw machines:

I went into the shop and he hid it in the car and pretended he had been unsuccessful. He’s actually pretty good at it. All this really means is that the teddies I get from him usually cost R2.00. LOL.

A reader was a bit confused about one of my posts. I am not pregnant as far as I know. My cycle is due to start on Saturday. If it doesn’t start by Monday I will go for a blood test. I’ve just been feeling a little odd this month and I sincerly hope I’m not dreaming up symptoms because I will feel like an idiot. Just so you know.

Other than that work is changing a bit and I’m not sure I like where it’s going, but I need to remember that The Company looks after me really well and I shouldn’t complain. It’s so easy to take your job for granted when millions would give their left arm to have what you have.

I e-mailed a lady today that I met at the government hospital the day of the James’ last scan. We had to sit and wait for quite some time and we ended up chatting to each other. She was very sad to hear about our situation and gave me her details so that we can stay in touch. It occured to me this morning that she has no idea how things turned out. I dropped her a short e-mail and caught her up without going into too much detail. I didn’t even cry when I typed it. That is progress! I do feel that I am starting to heal. It is a slow process, but it does happen.

Randoms

Today I am wearing jeans that did not properly fit me before. They were too tight to sit down in, but today they are fairly comfortable. I would still like them to be a little less snug though. It’s such a nice feeling being able to wear them again without worrying about being uncomfortable all day!

People have started noticing that I’m losing weight and it’s great! I think I will be able to keep this up. I’ve been trying to approach it differently than I normally would. I’m trying not even to think about it as ‘dieting’ for ‘weight loss’. I’m trying to think of it as a lifestyle change of which weight loss is a side effect (quite a pleasant one I might add).

I went for TWO walks last night. OK…so the second one was more like a leisurely stroll around our complex with Sarah, but it was better than sitting on the couch!

We had a really cool braai (BBQ) with all the old friends there last night. Last year this time we were all practically living on each other’s doorsteps and seeing each other every single day and pretty much spending a lot of time together. The entire group has scattered though as Riaan moved to Pretoria and we moved out of the complex. Riaan was in Cape Town yesterday for one day only, so we decided to get everyone together for old time’s sake. It was a lot of fun – just like we remembered it.

Speaking of which, Sarah and Brad are moving out on their own this weekend. I’m really happy for them. I know Sarah in particular has wanted this for a long time and she’s very happy with the place they have found. Who knows…maybe this will lead to wedding bells for them? They protest when there is mention of this…but you never know!

I’ve managed to pay down a large amount on one of my credit cards (I only have two) this month and I’m feeling really good about that too. I’m going to try and purchase an ovulation microscope after work today. I really hope they have stock of the one I want.

+200g

So…I picked up 200g this week. Disappointed much?

Things I may have done wrong last week:

Staying hungry for a couple of hours on Saturday (Rudi’s fault – he didn’t want to leave the pub)
Eating after 23:00 on Saturday (Rudi’s fault again! Would rather sit around drinking and talking nonsense rather than braaing)
Not eating what I was meant to Sunday evening (still ate healthy, just not what was on the menu)
Skipping our walk on Saturday (it was too hot!!)

Plus I’m ovulating right now. That could also be contributing. It’s the first time I’ve tried to diet whilst ovulating, I was always on the pill before so it wasn’t really a factor. Rudi lost 400g.

Got to keep on keeping on and see what happens next week.

Exercise!

So Rudi and I actually went for a walk last night. After having a lovely (healthy) meal we set off for the walk.

We walked around our complex to a nearby dam, around the dam and back home again. Walking to the dam and around it was pretty easy and I set a fast pace, but walking back was uphill all the way! It was only a mild incline, but uphill none the less!

I must say I really took strain on the uphill and had to climb a flight of stairs to get back into the house. My heart was pounding, my muscles were twitching and my lungs were burning. The whole walk took us about 20 minutes.

After I recovered and caught my breath back I felt pretty good about it. We won’t have time to go for a walk tonight as I’m going to church and Rudi’s going to darts, but tomorrow night I want to go again.

The eating plan is going really well so far and it’s really not too difficult. Maybe this is the one!

Feeling Good

I am super proud of myself. I haven’t felt proud of myself for a VERY long time. It feels so good to feel like this.

Despite life throwing me a curve ball I started my eating plan yesterday and stuck to it. I could have easily used the fight Rudi and I had as an excuse not to start. I even forgot to prepare the chicken I needed for lunch yesterday and that would just have added to my excuses.

I have made enough excuses though. There should be no excuse for treating yourself badly and poisoning your body with bad food. Yeah I know I sound like a hypocrite and I’ve only been eating healthy for a day, but I want to put my mind into the right gear.

I stuck to my eating plan for the entire day yesterday and even drank all my water. I loathe drinking water. I added some lime cordial and that makes it so much more bearable. I didn’t feel punished or deprived. I felt healthier.

I intended to go for a walk yesterday, but Rudi picked me up late from work and by the time we had finished cooking supper our soapie was on and before we knew it 7 ‘o clock had come and gone. My grandparents also pitched up at our house unannounced so the walk went down the drain. We do plan on taking a walk tonight though.

Rudi and I discussed our problems and managed to talk things out. I’ve decided not to let his actions or inactions decide how I feel about myself. I want to learn to love myself more, to be comfortable in my own skin. I want reconnect my mind and my body. They have been strangers for years.

I think that this healthy eating plan has come at a very good time. It is helping me feel better about myself. I have also decided not to beat myself up if I fall off the wagon. Many times before this has been my downfall. I would cheat and then feel like a failure and like I’ve ruined everything and I would give up. None of that! NOBODY eats perfectly every single day. Everybody gives in to food. I have bad genes and I need to work harder at it than some people, but that is not their fault nor mine. I am not the only person in the world that struggles with their weight.

I will no longer be judged because I have trouble stopping myself from putting bad things in my mouth. The principle is simple. Now I just need to enforce it!

I weighed myself last week and again this morning. There is already a 2kg difference! I am not officially counting it as I can’t even remember what day I weighed, but it has lifted my spirits a little anyway 🙂

Shame…

This is a picture of the fish Rudi caught on Sunday:


He goes fishing quite a bit, but they normally throw back what they catch. This time for some reason they decided they wanted to try and eat it. I finished work and caught up with them around 2 hours after they had caught this one. They had already rinsed it out with a hose pipe and gone to show it off to Crack Head who couldn’t join them for the fishing trip. When I saw them again the fish was in a cooler bag in some water.

Rudi picked it up out of the cooler bag and to everyone’s surprise the poor fish was still breathing. Its gills were still opening and closing. I felt so sorry for the fish I wanted to cry! I was very upset with them for bringing the fish home to eat 🙁 it’s the same as hunting really, isn’t it? I called him a murderer and eventually he felt bad for the fish. The worst part is that after cleaning and braaing the fish they eventually gave it to the cats because it wasn’t overly tasty. The cheek!

Look. I am by no means a vegetarian. I love meat (not fish!) but I don’t like seeing the animals suffer. Just before Christmas Rudi and I went to buy a half a lamb. We watched them cut the lamb up and I was so upset by the sight of it I wanted to leave the shop. Seeing the lamb practically intact was heartbreaking! I don’t think I’ll give up eating meat, but I don’t want to see where it comes from!

Speaking of eating…

I’ve received a lot of support online about the eating plan. It seems a lot of people have the same idea. Two ladies at work have decided to join me as well. Rudi is already turning into a dieting Nazi and nearly bit my head off when I asked for some Nesquik last night. I keep trying to tell him I’m only starting on Monday, as we’re going shopping this weekend for the food we will need. He doesn’t seem to understand this concept! He also doesn’t seem to understand that you can’t just throw an egg into the lean mince to make patties. The egg counts too! Rudi is a dieting virgin, but I’ll whip him into shape in no time! He he. That and he’ll watch me like a hawk!

We’re also going to the movies on Friday to watch Saw V. It will be the last time we go to the movies and will be able to eat the BIG, BIG popcorn! (Trust me to be thinking of the food instead of the time with my hubby) I think I’ll throw in a diet Coke to ease my conscience. Before you say that popcorn isn’t fattening…the popcorn at the movies is oil popped, not air popped, so it IS fattening. *sigh* only the dry air popped stuff is OK to eat.

I am so tired now already. I’ve worked for 7 consecutive days and seriously need some time off! Roll on weekend!

Is there hope?

I’m hiding out in word again today. Nobody said anything or took a second glance yesterday, so I guess it works.

Firstly I’d like to say thank you for Glugster for fixing my banner. It fits perfectly now and is finally not working on my nerves! Thank you!

The more I think about this healthy eating plan, the more I want to do it. I’m trying not to get myself overly excited about it. I’m cautious about it because I’ve disappointed myself so many times before. I don’t want to fail again, but every time I set out to succeed with a positive attitude and full of hope I have failed. I’ve set my first goal at 5kg. I figure that is easily achievable, although I need to lose much, much more. It’s a starting point. It’s better than going on and disregarding my body and what it is telling me. The fact that I’m a bit overwhelmed by emotional issues right now doesn’t help, but I think my mind is finally in the right place again. Last year I would not even consider changing my eating plan. It was completely out of the question for me. I had given up on myself. This year I guess I realize I’m stuck with me forever, so I better start liking who I am.

I really need to call my insurance. I’ve got a couple of dings on my car that I’d really like to have fixed, but I’ve been putting off calling them forever. I hope they deliver good service or my next blog post might just be a rant about First for Women.

What Makes a Mother?

I had a rough day yesterday. I spent a lot of time crying at my desk. At some point I went to the bathroom to try and cry it out, but ended up crying again when I got back to my desk anyway.

I think what made me break down was reading the poem below:

What makes a mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked “What makes a mother”?
And I know I heard him say.

“A mother has a baby”
This we know is true
“But God can you be a mother,
When your baby is not with you”?

“Yes, you can”, He replied
with confidence in his voice
“I give many woman babies,
when they leave is not their choice”

Some I send for a lifetime,
and other for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
but theres no need to stay.

“I just don’t understand this God
I want my baby here.”
He took a deep breath and cleared his throat,
and then i saw a tear.

“I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today
If you could see your childs smile,
with all the other children and say…”

“We go to earth to learn our lessons,
of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons quickly,
My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much,
but I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillows where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
“Mommy don’t be sad today,
I’m your baby and i’m here”.

“So you see my dear sweet ones,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they’ll stay.

They’ll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons through,
And on the day that you come home,
They’ll be at the gate for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It’s the feeling in your heart.
It’s the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.

Though some on Earth may not realise,
You are a mother
Until their time is done.
They’ll be up here with Me one day,
And know that you are the best one”

I found it on the Grief & Loss section of the Parenting Community. I went there to read other people’s story and to share mine, but ended up so distraught I didn’t post anything. I’ve written much about James on this blog, I’m sure he’ll be remembered by many. I will post his story on the Grief & Loss section as well.

I can’t wait to give him a brother or a sister! I know it won’t happen immediately and that we will be blessed with another child when the time is right, but I’m impatient. Rudi was lying on my tummy last night and I couldn’t help thinking that the baby would be kicking him in the face had he still been there. I’m probably also going to have a tough time dealing with the festive season coming up and other times like when I was supposed to go on maternity leave, my estimated due date (Rudi’s birthday) and Mother’s Day. A family member who lost her baby after carrying to term has recently given birth to another child. She tried to commit suicide twice after losing her baby and has said that conceiving again helped her with the pain. I know I cannot replace James and that I need to work through my grief, but it’s hard to know where to begin, especially since I have never lost a loved one before *touch wood*

Here’s to health and fertility!

I take for granted…

Just like people who have suffered from terminal illness realize their mortality, I have realized the fragility of the things I take for granted.

I take my relationship for granted. I know I shouldn’t, I really do. One minute my husband thinks I’m the sexiest girl alive, carrying his baby. Something he has always wanted. Every time I tell him I feel fat or ugly, he tells me that I’m pregnant and beautiful.

I took for granted that I would have a normal pregnancy and a healthy baby. I didn’t want to be pregnant, but I was getting used to the idea and even getting a little excited (although for some reason I was reserved about that). People are buying you so many gifts you feel blessed and you start to eye and coo over the baby things in the shops. You start seriously considering working all the expenses into your budget and marvel at the way your entire life is about to change.

Then the carpet is pulled from beneath you. Everything is not OK. Your husband thinks you should do one thing and you feel you should do another. Now your marriage is on the line and you realize you could lose this person you love so much yet take for granted almost on a daily basis.

A few tense weeks pass and finally you and your husband agree on what the right thing to do is, but then your child is gone. Then all the plans you made fall apart and all the gifts lay there and won’t fulfill the purpose they were intended for as soon as you had anticipated.

Your husband is still there, but he is hurting too and dealing with it in his own way. You are eternally grateful that you did not lose him as well, but with the emotional roller coaster you are on you want to kill him sometimes and smother him at others. Your husband loves you, but he cannot fill the void that has been created. He cannot undo the past any more than you can. So you love each other the best you can and hurt together, yet separately in most ways. I suppose as long as you are not hurting each other everything will be OK.

I try my best to acknowledge him now and make sure he knows how much I appreciate him. I’m not sure if he takes me seriously though, just like I might not believe him because of my own self worth issues. Sometimes when I say goodbye to him I want to kiss him again, just in case. You never know when it is the last time you will see someone. He is on the road all day and something could so easily happen to him and he could slip away from me as well.

Sometimes I wonder if I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that this child was not going to come into this world. I never bought a single thing for the baby. I bought a packet of wet wipes, reluctantly. I wonder this, but at the same time I know I had no possible way of knowing that this would happen, especially so far into my pregnancy. I took for granted that after my first three months were over everything would be OK and the symptoms would be the most of my worries.

Cook your husband a special meal.

Go and give your kid/s a hug and a kiss.

Cook your dog a steak, or your cat a fish.

Count your blessings.

Don’t take anything for granted.

I’m not going to anymore…

UPDATE: The geneticist from Tygerberg mailed me the photos of our baby today. I completely broke down at work and had to leave. I came to my grandparents house to come and see the photos. I knew I couldn’t open them at work, perhaps that is why I was so devastated. I also agree that I think it was a boy. It certainly seems that way on the photo. He definitely had my nose and my mouth. He was beautiful. I’m am so sad that he is gone and I really wish he wasn’t.

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