Tag Archives: Happy

Sleep Training – Night 10

Oh what a night! It was perfect. Pure bliss!


I sat with him for about two minutes after I put the light off. He kept sitting up. I tried to put him down again, but he refused. I kissed him, said goodnight, ‘shhh’, ‘doe doe’ and walked out. He cried and I left him. He didn’t even cry for a minute and it was all over. He went to sleep. He only woke up again this morning at 05:35.


FANTASTICAL! I’m hoping we will have many, many more nights like this 🙂

Moved on

So it’s been almost 2 years since our baby girl was born and died. In the interim we have had a new baby to smother with love.

At first when we lost Jamie I was devastated. Completely and utterly broken. This is normal. I know this and I allowed myself to feel any feelings I needed to. Trying to have another baby was difficult. We tried for about 4 months until my heart could not take it anymore. I decided to let go, to live my life and leave it in the hands of fate. Approximately 6 months after Jamie left us, Babyice was conceived. During my pregnancy things were still difficult. I’d still cry for the baby I’d lost. I’d still wonder if things would go wrong with Babyice, but I started moving into a different frame of mind. After Babyice was born there was a little difficulty bonding, but we did and now we’re stuck like super glue.

When I think about Jamie now, I’m no longer completely broken. I don’t cry uncontrollably. Depending on the context in which she comes to mind, sometimes I don’t cry at all. On the other hand, I was walking back to my desk from the ladies room at work the other day thinking about her and nearly burst into tears. I think PMS may have contributed to this.

I feel like I’ve moved on from her death. I haven’t forgotten her and I don’t intend to, but I feel like I’m okay with it now. I don’t feel like Babyice has replaced her as such, but I don’t feel as empty as I did before. I’m not completely inconsolable. I feel guilty for having moved on. I feel guilty for being happy again. I feel guilty for feeling as happy as I might have been before we lost her. Before we knew about her. I feel like there should always be a little sadness there, no matter what.

I know that everybody grieves differently and that a lot of mothers never “get over” the loss of a child. I look at other mothers who have lost their babies before they were even born. I see how they are still stuck in their grief months, years and other children later. Shouldn’t I also still be stuck in grief? Is it wrong that I feel like I’ve moved on from such a traumatic event? Does this make me a bad person?

*sigh* It seems you just can’t win. Feel guilty for losing the baby, feel guilty for grieving too long, feel guilty for not grieving anymore…it just never ends, does it?

On a lighter note…I’m going for the tattoo I have been wanting since we lost Jamie on the 21st of this month. I’ll be having Jamie and Babyice’s names with a pattern to sort of join the two on my left shoulder. I’m both excited and apprehensive about it. I’m a bit nervous to have it done again…I know it’s going to hurt and that it isn’t that bad…but it’s still a needle being repeatedly jabbed into your skin. That is scary, no matter how you look at it!

Proper scan post

So time for a proper post about our scan. The last one was kind of rushed because I was at my grandfather’s house, scanning the pictures in and posting them as fast as possible so that you all could see. After the post we watched the DVD again…my heart swells with pride!


We literally got a full show when we went. He did everything cute. He pursed his lips, he smacked his lips, he sucked his thumb and he even had hiccoughs! It was all so cute! He is literally bent over in half at the moment. Rudi commented that we have a little gymnast growing inside me! His feet are literally touching his head! I know space is limited in there and that they are generally folded up in all funny positions, but damn it looks uncomfortable!


He is already bigger than he is meant to be. At first the doctor was confused that she was seeing me at just over 20 weeks. Apparently she usually sees her patients at 22 weeks, but once she started scanning she said ‘Oh. Your doctor probably realized your baby is already big enough for a 22 week scan’. Hectic. He is around 23cm long – Baby Centre puts 20 week babies at 16cm! That’s a HUGE difference! He also weighs almost 500 grams.


She said that my due date is starting to look sooner because of the size of the baby. Where I was previously due around 11 February 2010, it’s looking more like 1 February. That’s almost a full two weeks sooner!


I am so overjoyed that our baby is healthy. Everything looks perfect on the scan. She checked the heart chambers and the aorta. She also checked that I was supplying enough blood to Babyice through the placenta. His tummy has fluid in, which means he is swallowing and his bladder also has fluid in meaning his kidneys are functioning. All fantastic news!


I’m so happy that he was cute for us. You hear about parents seeing their baby sucking their thumb or waving on the scan, but I always used to think ‘What are the chances of catching the baby doing that at the same time that you happen to be looking?’. Apparently the chances are good! I’m super stoked! For a little while I after the scan I started to think about how incredible it is going to be holding this baby in my arms. I am sure that my imagination cannot even stretch to the absolute awesomeness of it. I cannot wait!

Babyice – The nuchal scan

Ok…so I don’t have a scanner at home…so I took photos of the scan pictures with my camera. Forgive the quality! I’m sure you just want to SEE 🙂


Is that a willy we see?

Is that a willy we see?



We're pretty sure that's a willy...

We're pretty sure that's a willy...

Stretching our legs...

Stretching our legs...

Lying still for one second...

Lying still for one second...


Babyice was wriggling around the WHOLE time. So much more than James ever did…oh…another surprise…the doctor had my amnio results from my last pregnancy…and James was a Jamie! Hectic. Another mindshift!


Anyway…she didn’t see anything that bothered her, said that Babyice looks normal and movement and everything is normal. Babyice was swallowing and had fluid in the stomach which is all good. The bridge of the nose was visible and the fold of the skin in the neck was 2.1 which is great. I was still sent for a blood test afterwards to confirm as they can’t always tell everything on the scan. I told her they can shove their amniocentesis. I don’t want one, but she doesn’t feel like it will be necessary. Shame…while in the waiting room I heard the receptionist speaking to a lady that had to come in for an amnio today. Sucks 🙁  Anyway, Babyice looks fine and we are ecstatic!


The doctor is pretty certain that Babyice is a boy! She printed out two scan pics pointing towards what she says is undoubtedly a penis! Rudi is super chuffed…so am I! I actually felt quite sorry for Babyice being shaken around like she did…Ok…I’ll start saying “he”…He would lie on his back so she could get the neck measurement. This one likes to lie on his tummy like his mommy 🙂


Last night with Tannie was a false alarm. I told her My Evil Mother is on the prowl and trying to come to her for help and she said she wouldn’t dare set her foot in her house again after the last time and I was caught up on some more gossip about My Evil Mother. Eish. That woman. So…I don’t think I will have to worry much about Tannie trying to wriggle her in here.


Yay for us! Yay for Babyice! Yay yay yay!

$ Money makes me happy $

I am in a fantastic mood today. I wish I could feel like this every day. I wish EVERYONE could feel like this every day! I must confess that it is my shallow self that has me beaming.

It’s bonus month at The Company this month. We get 4 a year. Yes. One every three months. Don’t hate. We work hard! I also managed to wrack up quite a few hours of overtime which was all approved at once and voila!


No doubt that I will be broke halfway through next month…but I will be broke with no debt, a lot more savings, a new tattoo and just general happiness! I’ve done some calculations and I’ll even be able to pay off my half of the TV that we bought last month!

Our payslips were only put online yesterday…and I already went and bought two pairs of shoes after work. Pffft. Money burns holes in my pocketses! I think it would be an awesome idea to save on my credit card, but my credit card is WAY too easily whipped out and swiped. That’s what I did yesterday. Swiped the card in anticipation of getting paid tonight. I’ll stick to my 32 day account where I have to give an entire month notice. Much safer.

I’ve also promised my grandfather anything he wants for his birthday (it may be his last, after all) and invited them to a dinner at a restaurant of his choice after we come back from George.

I love being able to do this! I hope that everyone finds themselves in this position at some time in their lives. Even if it’s only one time. Pity money can’t buy a pregnancy.


I literally fell out of bed this morning. It was funny, but not really funny at the time so much. I got up, and obviously didn’t do it very well and I tipped over against the wall. I righted myself and then tripped over the wires next to my bed. No serious injuries. Not even a bruise, I think. Despite the manner in which I was rudely awoken…I am in a fantastic mood today! I have a vibey song stuck in my head and I can’t help shaking “it” every now and then…

I have *no* idea why…but I am not going to complain! I can’t remember the last time I felt like this! Positive and happy (even wearing my Clinique Happy today)…just marvellous! I’m obviously also happy because it’s Friday and I can finally have a lie in tomorrow morning.

There was a slight ‘hiccup’ with my bonus calculation. I received a poor score for something I *know* I do properly…Jubba has been investigating for a the last 3 days. This morning we checked together and they were wrong! The report was incorrect and I scored 100% instead of 81%. In your faces! I knew it!

Phew…a lot of “!” for one post 🙂

No huge plans for the weekend. I’m looking forward to Sarah and Brad’s housewarming tomorrow night. We also have a Chief Apostle service on Sunday – which only starts at 10…another little lie in on Sunday then.

We just received free t-shirts from work and mine actually fits. It’s definitely my day today. The workload doesn’t even look too heavy. I am going to play the lotto today. This lucky streak is too good to waste!

On a side note…I really have to find a better way of organizing my earrings and necklaces:

I thought buying this stand thingie would really help so that my necklaces don’t get tangled and knotted (Rudi eventually started refusing to de-tangle and un-knot them)…but I’ve acquired so many earrings and things in the interim…the above happened. Also, this little stand doesn’t hold my stud earrings. Any have a workable idea for me?

Graduation Day

Today is graduation day. Over a year ago I was nominated to take part in a programme at work. We basically did a course offered by Wits University on Telecommunications. About two months ago we wrote the final exam and today we receive our certificates in a special ceremony. I’m not sure if we will get a qualification that is recognized outside of the company, but at least we get some kind of recognition and I’m sure it will be recognized within the company when applying for other positions.

The course took place over a one year period and a lot of people dropped out along the way. All the candidates were nominated and it was implied that it was a great honour, so most felt obligated to participate (at least until they got tired of it). Some people attended all of the sessions, but didn’t write the exam. Those that didn’t write the exam or did not pass the exam will receive a certificate of attendance. The rest of us will receive a certificate of competence.

So I suppose in some way or form today is a ‘happy’ day, despite the fact that it’s very difficult to be happy right now. Jubba wanted to send me home yesterday. A colleague asked me how the baby is, so I told him. He then did the worst thing he could do…he hugged me. When I am biting back tears the worst thing you can do is comfort me, the floodgates just open up. Jubba happened to walk past and saw me in tears, hence wanting to send me home.

Sarah wonders if I don’t feel the way I do because I can feel something from the baby that nobody else can feel because I am her mother. That got me to thinking. Since before we found out about the problems with Lorelei I’ve been experiencing a lot of pain right at the bottom of my back (where my spine would end) and I wonder now if my back doesn’t hurt because her back hurts there, where they suspect she has a problem. Right in the beginning of my pregnancy I used to be standing still and my foot would suddenly give way under me. I know it sounds really weird…but maybe I’m experiencing the things that she is experiencing. Maybe I am feeling her pain.

It’s a good thing you don’t know where I live…or you would probably be sending the men in the white lab coats my way.


I’m feeling really happy today. This feeling doesn’t usually last very long with me so I’m going to enjoy it as much as possible! I’ve got a nice song in my head and I feel like bouncing around everywhere. Lovely!

Working the weekend wasn’t too bad. I’m just really glad it’s over. I feel like I sort of have an edge over everyone that had to drag themselves to work this morning after a 4 day long weekend. I’ve already gotten into the rythm of coming to work, so I don’t feel like I’ve just returned from a holiday.

There’s a Sex Expo on this weekend and Rudi and I might go. I mentioned it to him in passing a while ago and this morning he randomly brought it up again. That should be fun! Pricasso (the penile artist) and Miss Nude Australia are going to be there.

I wonder if we should go to the expo and spend R200.00 on tickets or just go to a sex shop and spend the money there.

How many of you are thinking I’m a freak right now?