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Tag Archives: 30 Days Of Blog

Day 30 β†’ A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Dear Self


There are things about yourself that you should be proud of. You must remember that. You have beautiful eyes. If the eyes are really the windows to the soul, perhaps that means you have a beautiful soul too. You’re photogenic, even if sometimes a photo or two is touched up. You love the fact that you dug yourself out of debt and have collected a little nest egg for a rainy day or emergency. You never thought you could do that. After losing a baby and feeling like the world would end, you got up, dusted yourself off and tried again, with great reward. You saw your mother’s true colours and had the strength to cut her out of your life despite pressure from the people you love. You reconnected with family even though bridges seem to have been burned. You take a lot less shit than you used to. You make friends easily, even though you wonder if people really like you. You’re an extrovert, even if you’re a house hen and like to stay at home.


There are probably more things that I could say about you. Perhaps it’s best that I quit while I’m ahead. You can, after all, be humble sometimes πŸ™‚


Love,


Me

Day 29 β†’ Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I suppose this takes me right back to day one of the blog challenge.


I would really like to lose most of the weight I’m carrying around that I shouldn’t be. Everybody that struggles with their weight knows that this is MUCH easer said than done. I’m trying in baby steps. I know I need to make a long term lifestyle change and this is what I am trying to do.


Exercise is another missing key. I know I have to do this and it’s going to be an uphill battle (most likely literally) and it’s really difficult to schedule into my day now, especially since I still want to spend all my time in the evenings with Babyice.


Excuses. I know. I’ll get there. Once day. I hope.

Day 27 β†’ What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Ugh. Really? I have to think about another positive thing about myself? I really struggle with these.


So I cheated a little. I outsourced the question and asked Leebeesa how she thinks I should answer this question about myself. Her response was: ‘You are really good at being a mom you love it!’


So I pondered this for a while. I don’t think I’m the best mother in the world, but I also don’t think I suck at it. It’s a HUGE responsibility to directly influence how someone’s life turns out. I often ponder the nature vs. nurture thing. My Evil Mother grew up with my grandparents and turned out the way she did. I cannot fathom that my grandparents messed her up.


Rudi has a special touch with Babyice and sometimes he is more attuned to his needs at a specific time than I am. Sometimes I’m at my wits end and he has the answer. Sometimes Babyice will refuse to take a bottle from me, but he’ll drink it if Rudi gives it to him. He is the absolute best at putting him to sleep. This shatters my confidence a bit. It makes me feel like I’m ill equipped or not good enough.


I do, however, always put Babyice first. He is always my first priority. I love him with all my heart. The fact that I have the opportunity to shape this human being and learn from the mistakes of others is the best thing I have going for me right now.


I’m going to do my best not to screw it up.


P.S. Since writing this post we visited the pediatrician. I spoke to him about sleep training (as I needed him to convince Rudi) and he commented that it is really nice to see an ‘involved mother’. WOOT! Then as we were leaving, while discussing Babyice’s constant cough and chest issues, I mentioned to him that I wasn’t too fond of giving Babyice something to supress his cough as most of the cough mixtures contain Codeine. He looked at me, put his hand on my shoulder and said ‘You sound like a very sensible woman’. To me, coming from someone who is judging your parenting, those are two huge compliments πŸ˜€


Maybe I’m not so bad after all!

Day 26 β†’ Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Yes I have. Mostly in my mid to late teens.


I am an only child and had two working parents. I felt lonely and neglected a lot of the time. Coupled with the abuse that I endured and the resulting behaviours I spiralled downwards emotionally. I don’t know if you could say I suffered with depression. I saw a psychologist once or twice, but not on a regular basis (in retrospect probably because My Evil Mother didn’t pay). I was never on any medication and didn’t use any kind of drugs when I was at school. Somehow I just dealt with things.


Perhaps I am too much of a coward to kill myself. If I really had to do it, I would probably do it with sleeping pills and alchohol. Seriously. That must be the easiest way in my uneducated opinion. Unless someone finds you and you have to get your stomach pumped. I couldn’t possibly cut myself (I don’t understand cutting) and I couldn’t pull a trigger or hang myself. Too much of a coward. They say suicide is cowardly…and in some ways it is, but you have to be damn desperate and brave to actually end it ALL. Especially since nobody knows with any certainty that there is something better on the other side. Those who have faith and believe that there is, should also know they won’t get to the “better” place by killing themselves.


One of the reasons I want to have another baby is so that Babyice doesn’t grow up feeling lonely like I did. Maybe if I had a sibling to confide in, it wouldn’t have been so bad.

Day 25 β†’ The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

I think I’m still alive because I met Rudi.


Before I met him I was partaking in very self destructive and dangerous behaviour. I was still young and stupid when I met him, but I don’t know if my path would have changed much if I didn’t meet him. Somehow, without trying AT ALL, Rudi had me on the straight and narrow. Rudi and I have done irresponsible and reckless things together, but this was on a whole different level and we were there keeping an eye on each other.


Before Rudi and I met there was nobody looking out for me. I was old enough for my parents not to care anymore (did they before? I got away with a lot more than I should have). At least no someone has my back now :). Funny thing is, he said something along these lines to me about a month ago. He was having a rare “share your feelings” moment and he said he has no idea if he’d even still be alive if he hadn’t met me. Did you just say “Awwww”? πŸ˜‰


Just realized that Rudi is catching a lot of shine in this blog challenge. I should take the time to appreciate him more often πŸ™‚

Day 24 β†’ Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Dear Rudi


I dedicate these songs to you:


Everything – Alanis Morissette


I know I confuse you sometimes, but I embody everything you could every want.


5 more minutes – La Vuvuzela


I feel like this in the mornings. I love sleeping late with you. Snuggling with you is one of the highlights of my day, every day. I know you love to snuggle too. It’s a pity we don’t get to do it much anymore with Babyice around. He is such a wiggle bum. Snuggling on the couch is good too πŸ™‚


Breakeven – The Script


Sometimes I feel like I hurt more than you. When we fight, when horrible things are said I feel like it hurts me more than it hurts you. I suppose it’s irrational to think that way since I can’t possibly know how you’re feeling or how much it hurts for you, but in my mind, it hurts me more.


Anyone Else But You – The Mouldy Peaches (Juno OST)


Need I say more? Just you. Always you.


Head Over Feet – Alanis Morissette


This is how I fell for you πŸ™‚


Love you my baby


xxx

Day 23 β†’ Something you wish you had done in your life.

I wish I had supported my grandparents when My Evil Mother took everything they had. I wish I hadn’t tried to remain neutral for self preservation. My grandparents worked their entire lives for what they had and she took it all from them.


She likes to tell me how I liked the fact that they left because Rudi and I got to stay in their room (which was bigger than the room we were staying in before). This isn’t true. I’d lived in the entrance hall of the house for months before, not exactly picky about space, now am I? I tried my best not to pick sides as I needed My Evil Mother to continue paying me the money she owed me.


If I had known then what I know now, I probably would have made a different decision at the time. The money My Evil Mother owed me then didn’t come close to the amount she owed me later on when she shunned me and started treating me like a leper. My grandparents needed my support and I wasn’t there for them.


My grandfather asked me not so long ago what happened there (after he realized he was going to die). Whose side was I on? Why didn’t I support them? He thought I was on her side and felt what she did was right. He was wrong and I explained to him why I did what I did. This must have been bothering him for years. There was no way I could have helped save that situation financially, but I should have been there for them emotionally.

Day 22 β†’ Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

I wish I hadn’t gone to England for the reasons I did. In fact, I wish I had never gone to England at all. It was totally not worth the money I spent on it. The debt I made to do it in conjunction with the debt I had to pay off which my mother had made just really complicated my life.


I also almost lost Rudi when I left. He didn’t understand how I could go away for a month. He said he thought I wasn’t coming back (I don’t know where the hell he got that idea from). As for the reason I went…only a handful of people know what it is and Rudi isn’t one of them. It isn’t something I am proud of and it is something I regret.


I know I’m being rather vague about it, intentionally so.

Day 21 β†’ (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Heh. This is a tough one. I think it really depends on what the fight was about. If she had slept with Rudi…well, then that bitch can bleed to death on the side of the road.


Short of that I think I would run to her aid. Rudi and I were having an intense fight one day and he got so angry he stuck his fist through a window. There was blood and stitches were required. Immediately the entire fight was forgotten and we walked to the medi-clinic together (I didn’t have a car back then) and I even footed the bill because I felt like I had provoked him. He loooooves to bring this up and show people his scar.


I would definitely go and help her. No fight (other than the above example) trumps helping your friend in such a serious situation.

Day 20 β†’ Your views on drugs and alcohol.

I’m not a drinker. Really I’m not. I’ve been drunk only a handful of times in my life. I don’t like drinking large amounts of anything really, so I guess I’m just not cut out for it.


As for drugs….well…I guess it’s no secret that I’ve experimented with various illegal substances. I’m very lucky that I don’t have addiction issues. I suppose it’s a difficult one because it was a gamble initially. I could have become addicted. I have never touched heroine or meth because they are so notorious for hooking people from the first try. I can and have withstood many things, but I am not willing to risk that.


I do not mind people using drugs/alchohol, but there is a fine line between using and abusing. I do not judge people who have the occasional party and if there are drugs involved, that’s fine too. As long as they are safe about it (i.e. not driving under the influence or sharing unsafe drug paraphernalia) then who am I to judge?

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