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So much of mehness

I know I’ve been scarce. Life has been *so* hectic.

Work has been crazy. We were short staffed for almost two weeks. Every day. Then the pressure is on and you just have to cope. The work doesn’t stop coming in and because we have to respond to all queries within 24 hours, we can’t stop either. I was very upset last week when my boss cancelled my leave request. I had extended a leave request after seeing my grandfather’s dire condition. I decided to take a few days off to spend some time with him and my boss declined my leave. He said in light of my maternity/family responsibility (when Babyice was in hospital) and sick leave taken recently I would have to wait in order to take leave. Considering that his mother died earlier this year after a long battle with cancer, I thought he would be more compassionate. In the end my grandfather was booked back into hospital anyway and I returned to work (not like I had much of a choice). My team would have been royally screwed if I hadn’t returned, so in a way I understand why my leave was declined. I did highlight with my boss though that I would under no circumstances accept my leave being declined if my grandfather passes on as I have a very small family and I will need to assist with arrangements and taking care of my grandmother (and myself). He agreed this wouldn’t be a problem. I have been moved into the portfolio I have been dreading going to since before I went on maternity leave. I have tried to mentally prepare myself for this torture and really hope it isn’t going to add to my stress. Many people working in this portfolio have become ill or resigned. This specific portofolio goes through staff like you do toilet paper. Nobody wants to work here, but the work needs to be done. Unfortunately I still report to the same person. Hopefully my stay here will be limited as a new staff intake is in progress, but interviews are still to be conducted and this process takes some time. Hopefully they’ll be employed by 1 November. Fingers crossed?

My grandfather’s condition has deteriorated very quickly. He is very weak and has stopped eating completely. Sometimes he even battles to speak. He has become incontinent at times and since he is completely lucid I can only imagine how embarassing it is for him. My poor grandmother is having a lot of trouble coping with him at home. She has a very bad back and battles to wash him, etc. Hospice can only come twice a week and sometimes they cancel because they are too busy. Even the nursing services that came to put a drip on for my grandfather stuffed it up so much he had to go back to hospital, despite charging R360 for each visit and coming around twice a day. I’ve told him everything I feel I need to. Now I just spend time with him whenever I have a gap, which isn’t too often.

Babyice was sick the week before last. His nose started running and he started coughing again and running low grade fevers. I was in a state. He got ill on a Saturday morning (Murphy’s Law) and I had visions of pediatrician/hospital/pharmacy bills swimming around in front of me. We’ve had a lot of bills to pay lately and this is just an added stress. On Sunday (11 September), Rudi mentioned something about teeth and I decided to do a proper inspection of Babyice’s mouth. As true as Bob there was a little bit of white sticking out of his bottom gum! I was so proud (and relieved!) that all the niggles were explained and that we didn’t have to take him to the doctor after all. I’ve never been so excited about a tooth! On the Tuesday after his toofy popped I took him back to the Ear, Nose and Throat specialist for a check up on his ears. The ENT wasn’t happy at all. He pulled an amazing amount of gunk out of his ears and showed me that there was still a lot of fluid in there. The grommets are preventing a build up of fluid and the pain it causes, but the ears are meant to be dry. The teething snot could also have contributed to this, but he asked us to put ear drops in again (R210.00 KACHING) and we have to go back for another check up to ensure it worked (KACHING) and if there is still fluid in the ears, more antibiotics (KACHING). His ears *seem* okay now, but I’m not staring into them with a microscope or poking around with metal thingie…so there’s no way I can tell if it’s working. We’re going back on the 27th of September for his check up. The ENT also said I shouldn’t clean his ears at all (even with the baby ears buds) since this just does more harm than good.

Myself? Meh. I’m sick AGAIN. I think I picked it up from Rudi. He is all better now though and here I sit. I’ve been taking some allergy meds as the GP’s expect an allergy is making me sick and nebulizing myself at home to try and get better. I don’t seem to have an infection, so no sixth course of antibiotics for me. I’m coughing a bit less now, but my head is still a snot factory. I really don’t seem to be coping very well with everything. With work as bad as it is, my grandfather and family needing me constantly, financial stress and my failing health I am just not coping. Everything has just been going on for so long now and my mind and body are tired of the constant battering. I don’t know how much longer I can keep taking all of it. I find myself crying at my desk in the middle of the day. I’ve spoken to some close friends about it and they have recommended I get some help. The last thing I feel like doing is going to another doctor and paying them R300.00 to cry in their office and hope that they’ll take pity on my pathetic self and medicate me…although I am in favour of medicating myself. Stupid drugs I want are prescription only. I’m taking donations. Anyone got some old scripts/happy pills lying around?

Anyway…I apologize for my extended absence, but I really haven’t had the time or energy to put this all down. Thanks for all the messages of support on Facebook and Twitter my friends xxx