I’m already feeling better today. I said to @Tertia on Twitter last night “I wish I could rewind to this time last year where I just didn’t care”. Wouldn’t that be nice? Just “not caring”. I know that parents would tell me to enjoy my alone time with Rudi, my sleep, my free time and my social calendar. These things all dramatically change when children arrive on the scene. It’s a little bit difficult for me to wrap my head around, because I’m sure a child brings joy into your life to the extent that you gladly sacrifice these things, but whatever. I don’t think I’m in a position to comprehend this right now.
I also read Tertia’s blog a little. I don’t have infertility problems (that I know of) like so many other women. I haven’t tried for years on end and spent heaps of money on fertility treatments. I should not be so hard on myself. My gynae told me that less than 50% of people get pregnant again within 6 months of a pregnancy. On 5 April it will be 5 months for us. I need to lighten up.
Despite all of this, I still had a terrible experience and no baby to show for it. I don’t think people quite understand that what we went through was not the same as a miscarriage. I don’t mean to downplay a miscarriage in any way as this is a traumatic experience for any woman and my heart goes out to them. Some people may even think that I should stop whining and be accountable as we made a decision to end the pregnancy. Like we had a choice. I carried our baby for 5 and a half months before he was taken away from us. I had bonded with him, seen him yawn on a scan, watched and heard his heartbeat, started picking names, received gifts and so much more. I had started moulding my life to get ready for the arrival of a baby. I was more than halfway through my pregnancy. Then there was nothing.
For the record I am not using any charting methods or anything right now. I’m only taking folic acid because it is very important to take to prevent birth defects. It’s dirt cheap too.
I need to start focusing on weight loss again. This has blurred out of focus in the last month and it’s just not acceptable! We are still walking, but it seems futile without the healthy eating. My weight is just hovering around the same number all the time and I’m getting frustrated despite not making a concerted effort to change it. Exercise really still feels like punishment and I still don’t enjoy it. It’s not getting easier (yet?). I need to get Rudi on board with me as well. It was easy when he was eating well with me, but lately he has been wanting things like pasta for supper and since he cooks…it’s difficult to say no.
So…I need to change the way I’m thinking about these two things and put some positive thoughts into some positive action. Easier said than done!