Sick and frustrated

I have been sick all week. I thought that the pain in my left ear was somehow related to pain in my gums which I get when I am pregnant, but it would seem I was mistaken. On Monday I got an inkling that my throat might be getting sore and by Tuesday morning I woke up feeling horrid. Sore throat, sore ears, headache and congested. Obviously the ear ache I had earlier on was an indication that I was getting sick. It was so bad that I couldn’t stand to wear my headset at work and the sound of the phone ringing or dialling in my ear made me want to hit the roof.  They are still sensitive, but much better than they were earlier in the week. I’ve been popping Echinaforce in copious amounts since my throat first started to get sore (within the daily dosage) and while the ear ache and sore throat have not gotten any worse, the snot and headaches remain. Today I have had to start applying Zambuk to my poor tortured nose. I am going to have trouble sleeping this weekend since I can no longer continue using Illiadin to help me breathe at night. I have already been using it since Monday. I am also working this weekend, so it will be loads of fun to be tired, sick and working. I have been sneezing at my desk all day. For some reasons pregnancy magnifies my allergies. I actually only developed allergies when I was pregnant with Babyice and they were actually getting a lot better until I got pregnant again. Hopefully after I have this baby they will start to improve. In the interim I’ll just have to suck it up, literally.


Tonight Leebeesa is babysitting for us and we will be going to a 40th birthday bash for one of our Twitter friends. I was feeling very poorly at work yesterday, I ended up leaving early to go home. I was concerned that I wouldn’t feel well enough today to go out tonight, but the nap that I managed to slip in yesterday afternoon and the 1000 mg of Vitamin C I took yesterday seem to have me feeling a bit better.  I doubt that we’ll stay very late, but it will be nice to see our Twitter friends again. Since Babyice was born we haven’t attended many tweet ups and have literally not seen some of them for almost two years. There will also be a lot of people from Twitter that I look forward to meeting for the first time.


The domestic is supposed to be coming again tomorrow. I just had a chat with the day mother and she said that she had complained that it is quite far for her to walk to get to our place, which is strange because she told Rudi it wasn’t that far. Also, she is going to be paid more than she is where she currently works. Rudi is going to give her a call and check if he can pick her up down the road before I leave for work. I guess Rudi will need to give her the talk about what she needs to get done before she leaves. I haven’t started doing the washing yet, which I really should of started to do already, but I’ll put some on as soon as I get home. Trying to find a good, trustworthy domestic is just SO HARD. If things don’t work out with this one, I am going to speak to the guy that lives across the way from us. I see he has a domestic as well and she obviously doesn’t have transport issues. This is so frustrating. I will not give up though. I need help and I am willing to pay for it. I just have to find someone who will do what she is meant to and won’t steal. Not an easy task.


New domestic

On Saturday morning Rudi went to fetch the new domestic. When she arrived around 08:00, I introduced myself and then said I’d unpack the dishwasher so that I could show her more or less where everything goes. She looked quite uncomfortable letting me work (I like that :P) and wanted to get going right away. I got her to start in the bathroom and told her the main things I would like to get done on Saturday. I said I would like the floors, kitchen, bathroom and ironing to be finished. The other jobs could wait for another day.


She is very thorough, but works quite slowly. She spent ages in the bathroom. Asked for a toothbrush in order to scrub around the taps. All very good and well. The taps haven’t looked so clean in a long time. By 13:00 she had not yet started the ironing. I knew we were leaving the house around 14:30 to go and visit Christelle and Dion, so Rudi told her she better start the ironing so long. Only the bathroom and kitchen had been done and some tidying up in the lounge. We decided that we would leave her there with a key to lock up. I gave her my number and took hers so that she could scotch me if she needed anything.


We went to over to Christelle’s house. Their daughter was still sleeping when we arrived. Rudi went out to buy wood and returned with her husband who had been at work. After Zani had woken up, her and Elijah started playing. We didn’t see them at all! We actually went to check on them to see if they were okay. They kept each other occupied the ENTIRE time we were there. I was a little worried that Babyice would get cranky as he had skipped his afternoon nap, but he was too wrapped up in playing with Zani to notice how tired he was. It was parental bliss! We couldn’t believe how well they played together :) It’s actually the first time since we’ve started visiting there that the kids just went on their own mission. There was an incident where Babyice was crying and didn’t hesitate to rat Zani out for ‘smacking him’ to anyone who asked (nobody witnessed this), but Zani apologized and gave him a hug and everything was fine in 30 seconds flat. The men also said there was an incident where Babyice had given Zani a whallop, but I didn’t get the full story from them.


We changed plans about what we were going to eat quite a few times before finally somehow decided on a braai. I love to watch Christelle cook. She is always trying new recipes. She is such a foodie. I know every time we go there we’ll be trying something new. It’s always exciting. Dion mentioned potato bake while we were eating which made me feel like some, resulting in me making potato back yesterday. I’m sure it was not as fancy as Christelle’s is, but it was almost as nice as Milla’s so I was quite satisfied :). I enjoyed a glass of wine with dinner. So delicious! I really miss being able to have a glass of wine (ok, more than one). I think it has something to do with it being ‘forbidden fruit’. I most certainly did not enjoy drinking wine as much when I was not pregnant and I swear it tastes different.


Around 17:50 I get a call from the domestic on my phone. I was shocked. I called her back, she was STILL there, working! She was calling because she hadn’t finished yet and wasn’t sure if she would be able to catch a taxi home because of the time. After some back and forth between me and Rudi we told her to go home as we didn’t want her to risk not getting a lift back. So…after being at our house for 10 hours she didn’t manage to finish what she was meant to do. She hadn’t vacuumed the floor in our room, packed all the washing away or washed Babyice’s bottles. So last night I was standing washing bottles and Rudi was packing washing away. She left some of the bedding and our underwear/socks not packed away too. It’s nothing compared to the amount of work we would of had to do had she not come, but when I get a domestic I don’t want to have to do ANY housework once she has left. I think this Saturday I will sit her down and talk about priorities. I don’t mind her being thorough and scrubbing taps with a toothbrush, but I need certain things to be finished when she leaves. Whether she wants to do those first or not, is up to her. I had asked in the beginning of the day for the ironing, kitchen and floors to be done and this was the least that I expected. I mentioned in the previous post that she charges less than my other domestics did…but Rudi mentioned to her what I paid the others and now I guess I don’t have a choice but to pay her the same.


Yesterday I was feeling very “meh” the entire day. I got sick in the morning while I was making breakfast. It was quite random since I usually get sick while brushing my teeth. There was nothing that I could put my finger on that triggered it. No smell or anything, just random. Luckily this was before I ate, so I didn’t lose any nourishment. I prefer throwing up when my stomach is empty. After church I was exhausted. I didn’t manage to nap well with Babyice watching movies and jumping around like a monkey on the bed with me. I just felt miff the whole day. Sleeping is becoming quite a difficult exercise. I most definitely cannot sleep on my stomach anymore. I often have pain in my left ear, I think it is from the pregnancy as the nurse at work said my ear isn’t even red inside. Leaving me only with sleeping on my right side or my back and I cannot sleep on my back. As a result I am exhausted today.


So. I guess we’ll give the domestic another whirl next week and I’ll make sure she knows exactly what is expected of her. I’ll be working in the morning, but probably not till late when I can come home and we can have a decent chat. Wish me luck. I am so over not having help or finding someone that suits us. I dreamt about my first domestic again last night. I begged her to come back. This is clearly working on me!

Help is scheduled to arrive!

So we’ll finally be getting help on Saturday. We’ve lasted since mid January though and I guess that is saying something. Perhaps if our circumstances were different I would be able to help out more and things wouldn’t get so far behind that I feel I don’t want to live in my own house anymore. The house is so bad right now I want to clean before the domestic comes. Yes, that is how bad I feel it is. I cannot wait to get rid of the burden that is housework! Whether or not we will still be able to afford help once the baby comes is another story…but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.


I thought the domestic would still be by the day mother when I called her, but she had already left. They made arrangements for us to pick her up at the day mother’s house at 07:30 on Saturday morning. On the one hand it is EXTREMELY early, but I’m glad she is getting an early start considering we’ll be going out later in the day.


I thought on Saturday we’d just get the very basic things done. Ironing, the bathroom and the floors. MAYBE change the bedding. Rudi wants to unpack all the kitchen cupboards and clean them out, but that is a big job and I don’t want to overwhelm the poor lady on her first day. I think we’ll do the majority of the washing for her so that she just has one or two loads to do when she comes in. Getting all the washing can be time consuming. She asks less than any of my other housekeepers did, so I guess doing that is a small price to pay. I really cannot wait till she comes on Saturday. I will hopefully still be sleeping when she arrives. Rudi will be picking her up.


I have an optometrist appointment at 09:30 and a funeral at 10:00. After that I need to go to the traffic department to have my driver’s license renewed. Bleugh. New photos. Pregnancy acne and all. After typing that I decided to check how much it costs and where would be best to got. What a nightmare! I can’t get through to anyone via phone. The closest office to my house only does renewals Monday to Friday 07:30 – 12:00, so I’d have to take leave. I eventually found a one close to work, but they also only operate till 11:00 on a Saturday and since I am working next Saturday I won’t be able to make it till 3 weeks from now. My license expires on the 17th of July. It’s not like I drive a lot, so I don’t really *NEED* it urgently, but I wouldn’t want to drive without one.


This weekend is going to be crazy busy.


Other than that the pregnancy seems to be going well. I’m 11 weeks today. Only one more week until I am through the first trimester! The Thursday after next is our fetal assessment where we get to see our baby and check everything is okay. We may even get to peek at the gender! It is all so very exciting :)

I surrender

I give up. I surrender. It’s over. I can no longer pretend that I do not need help in the domestic department.


At first Rudi and I managed okay. We did eventually end up doing all the cleaning/laundry/ironing on a weekend which took up most of our Saturday or Sunday and sucked hugely. We persisted. On the one hand I preferred doing things ourselves, we knew what was done and what wasn’t. We knew nothing had been taken while we weren’t looking and of course it was saving me money. Why pay someone for doing something that we can do ourselves?


I am over it. Completely and totally over it.


Since I’ve been feeling nauseous and exhausted most of the time, my chores just don’t get done…at all. Not even eventually. I’ll try if I’m having a good moment, but sometimes exerting myself makes me feel worse. I cannot expect Rudi to do everything. He pulls his weight, but when he sees me “slacking” he is completely demotivated. The exact same thing happens when the roles are reversed, so I do not blame him at all. I even bribed him to do my ironing last week because I just did not have the energy to face it.


When we had domestic help before, the house would never really get dirty. Untidy? Yes. Filthy? No. Now the thought of my own house creeps me out sometimes. I am overwhelmed and just want to curl up in the fetal position and cry. I know it sounds dramatic, but it really is how I feel. I NEED help. I would say I don’t know how my mother did it, but she had a domestic 5 days a week. So I don’t know how my grandmother did it. She had two kids, but she didn’t work. To be honest, I don’t know if I am going to be able to do it when I am home on maternity leave either. We still had a domestic once a week after Babyice was born, so I didn’t have to do everything. I literally dream about my old housekeeper that screwed me over. Literally. It makes me sad.


The day mother has recommended the domestic she currently has. Apparently she is very thorough and works for her daughter at her place of work as well. She says she has been working at her daughter’s place of employment for quite some time. I think this means that she won’t be eager to take chances since she stands to lose a lot more. She will be at her house again on Wednesday. I have asked her to check if she has any days available. She’ll come in on a Saturday initially so I can show her around, show her where things are, etc. I am reluctant to let someone into my home again, but I really feel like I don’t have a choice.


I do feel like a bit of a failure for not being able to do this. I know so many others do. Having domestic help is an absolute luxury. I realize this. It isn’t like I have piles of money lying around to pay for help either. I need to pick my battles though. This is not one I am going to win.

Catch up

You would swear I have nothing to blog about. Where to start?


I got my specs…a while ago actually. They need to be adjusted slightly. I haven’t started wearing them yet. I need to go back to the optometrist to check out how my eyes are doing with the new contact lenses she has me trying out. I’ll have them adjusted when I go. Perhaps I should make a turn there this afternoon. I promised a picture:


New specs




I think I chose a nice frame and that they suit me. I wore them to work once on a weekend. Nobody even flinched. I am yet to test the waters when everyone is here.


My skin is looking heaps better! It took just over a week for me to look at it and say that there is a big improvement. It is most definitely the new skin regime that is bearing fruit. Over the weekend I was a bit lax and skipped either my morning/evening routine on alternate days and my skin broke out again. I have since been doing it religiously and it started paying off. Those extra few minutes that it takes are really, really worth it. I feel a LOT less self conscious about my skin. I’ve even contemplated going back to The Body Shop and finding more products. I only have a face wash, toner and day cream now. I was thinking to perhaps get something for the evening and maybe an eye cream. The products obviously work and they don’t cost nearly as much as you would pay for something from a cosmetic house. I am very impressed. I also read on baby centre that you should be very gentle with your skin. The first thing you want to do when your skin breaks out is to scrub it. Like that will take the ugly away. The advice there is not to scrub or exfoliate or rub hard, but to dab and rinse and pat your skin. I have been following that advice and it is working for me. They also make mention that the hormones causing bad skin can come and go during pregnancy, but I’m not getting any younger and looking after my skin is something I should have been doing for a long time.


On Sunday morning Babyice woke up with a fever of 39 degrees. We medicated him and he was fine for most of the day. Around 18:00 his fever spiked again and almost hit 40. Panic stations. You all know how fevers freak me out and this was no different. Babyice actually had chills from the fever and that made me even more panicky. I’ve never had to deal with chills before. I may have started crying. Rudi was not impressed (with me crying). We popped him into a lukewarm bath and I gave him a Voltaren suppository. We managed to break the fever, but knew that we had to be on standby for another possible spike. I didn’t want to give him Stopayne (which had kept his fever under control since the morning) because I was afraid it would put him in too deep a sleep to rouse us if something went wrong. At 00:40 he spiked again. 39.9. We made a judgment call. I gave him Stopayne and we took him to the emergency room. I almost bolted for the door while we were waiting to see the doctor since he started to feel cooler, but by the time I had mentioned it to Rudi the doctor came out and picked up his file. I was right, his fever had broken. It was probably a combination of the Stopayne and cold air to and from the car. He didn’t spike again. So in hindsight we could have skipped the trip to the emergency room and saved a bunch of money by taking him to his regular GP later in the day. He was diagnosed with another throat infection and sinusitis. I suspect that the throat infections are stemming from his two year molars erupting, but I could be wrong.  I felt so ill when we got home from the emergency room and struggled to go sleep. My poor baby. He is doing much better now though. The doctor gave him a really high dosage of antibiotics and we’re feeding him plenty of probiotics to help. I have learnt that Stopayne REALLY klaps a fever. Yes, I am aware that it has Codeine in it and we use it for emergencies. It is not his regular fever medication, but when fevers soar so close to 40, I am completely comfortable using something that works for us.


Today is my grandfather’s birthday. He would of been 72. I still miss him so much. Very much. I remember the last birthday he was still with us. It was a Sunday. They called him up to the altar at church and the congregation sang for him. I stood at the back of the church and cried. I knew it would be his last birthday with us. The doctors had already told him there was nothing more that they can do for him. 5 months and 4 days after that day he was gone. I called my grandmother earlier to see how she is doing. I think she forgot it is his birthday. She didn’t mention it. She is still prone to cry when she thinks of him, understandably so. I didn’t have the heart to remind her. I wasn’t even there to comfort her. So I just checked how she was and she says she is doing fine. I have been okay today. Although I have found myself on the verge of tears each time I think about it. I have managed not to break down into the ugly cry. So time heals our hearts. As Leebeesa said, my Oupa wouldn’t want me to be sad. He would want me to remember him fondly. I know that. It is easier said than done sometimes though and my heart still aches and my eyes still leak.


The pregnancy is going well I suppose. There is always that uncertainty between gynae appointments and actually seeing the baby and how much it has grown and how it has developed. I still suffer from all day sickness most every day. I cannot stand the smell of coffee and won’t attempt to drink it. I have a bad taste in my mouth all the time, which contributes to my nausea and I find that sucking a sweet helps me feel better temporarily. Not great for the hips. I don’t do ginger. I know it is supposed to help, but it doesn’t for me. On Friday I will be 10 weeks, hopefully just two more weeks of nausea to suffer through. My tummy has popped out. Strangely the part of my stomach above my belly button, nowhere near where my uterus is at the moment. Maybe it’s the sweets!


To end off…this is what is happening while I am getting ready for work in the mornings (I get up the earliest):


Buggers. Cute buggers.

Eyes, Hair and Skin

So on Wednesday I went to have my eyes tested. My eyes have gotten weaker :( That sucks, but I suppose it is to be expected. I’m not getting any younger. I ordered myself a pair of spectacles and already got a message today confirming they are ready to be picked up! They said it could take 7 to 10 working days, so I was quite impressed that they are already ready. My eyes are healthy otherwise, but apparently dry out more quickly than they should. The optometrist said this is because I do computer work all day and I don’t blink properly, I ‘half blink’. She said that this is quite common and that I should get some lubricating drops. I will most definitely post a picture once I have collected my specs.


I went to have my hair done too. It is always a pleasure and I am happy with the results. While I was waiting for my colour to develop I was served some tea:


Rooibos Tea

And of course my colour looks fabulous:
Gorgeous blonde


I spoiled myself with Paul Mitchell shampoo and some Goldwell treatment. I have never bought salon products before, but I felt like it since my hair was less than it usually is (considering there was no rescuing involved).  The orange has been eradicated from my hair and there are no lines showing where my hair was coloured. Leebeesa’s hairdresser is truly a genius. I am grateful that she referred me to him, even though I had previously said I wouldn’t be caught dead there. That’s a long story, but mostly about preconceived perceptions I had. My hair didn’t take as long as it did the previous time and I didn’t feel like driving all the way home because I still had to pick Rudi up from work. I drove to his work and took a nap in the car. I couldn’t believe that I fell asleep and slept so well in an uncomfortable front seat, but I did. I only managed about 30 minutes before Rudi was done and woke me up. I was really grumpy!


Today a colleague commented on how bad my skin is looking :( I am really self conscious about it. I remember @MeeAParkins telling me how lucky I was when I was pregnant with Babyice that my skin didn’t break out. She had problems with her skin during her pregnancy. I didn’t realize how lucky I was until it happened to me. The ‘magic cream’ doesn’t seem to be doing the trick anymore, in fact I think it may be contributing to my already overly oily skin. Leebeesa recommended that I get something from The Body Shop. I have really had enough of looking like a pimply teenager, so I went there and got myself a 3 step skin care programme:


Seaweed Skin Care

Leebeesa had actually recommended that I get the Tea Tree range, but the lady at The Body Shop was concerned that it might further dry out any dry spots I have on my skin. She recommended I rather try the seaweed range which is designed for combination skin. I really, really hope that this will help improve my skin. It has broken out so badly that it looks like I have a rash on my face :(  I am sure that bad skin isn’t something that may go away like morning sickness does. If I remember correctly MeeA was stuck without through out her whole pregnancy. I hope this helps!

Thrilling Competition!

The lovely ExMi, maker of wonderful Body Thrills products, is having a competition!


Having used Body Thrills decadent products, I had to take my chances and get as many entries as possible! Their specials are always real value for money. You don’t just save R5.00 or R10.00, but can save up to R170.00 this time! Where else can you save R170.00 on something that would cost you R520.00? That’s a saving of 33%!


Body Thrills fragrances are simply to die for. If you don’t indulge in the Chocolate Pudding range, that contains ACTUAL Belgian chocolate, then you should definitely try the Jasmin, Rose and Ylang Ylang (these are my personal favourites). I haven’t tried ALL the different fragrances yet and would definitely like to try the Lemon Nougat & Honey Coconut and Pina Colada shower gels. Fair warning, you may be tempted to drink/eat the products that smell like foodstuffs. Although they are made of all natural, homegrown products – apparently it is not recommended (yes, I asked!). So I guess the Winter Wonder – Steamy Fresh special would be just right for me :)


Steamy Fresh Special


If you haven’t tried Body Thrills yet, I recommend that you do. It’s the perfect guilt-free indulgence!


Right now I am really grateful for my Body Thrills lip balm. I received the lip balm with orders past, but didn’t really use it since I don’t often use lip balm in general. I have found that lip balm usually dries out my lips even more, which forces me to use more. I recently read somewhere that lip balm manufacturers use an ingredient that does this on purpose so that you would require more lip balm! (You’re not surprised, are you?) Body Thrills doesn’t do this, of course. They are above board and want you to buy their products because you LOVE them, not because they’ve gotten you hooked by dodgy means. This pregnancy and winter dawning have caused my lips to dry out terribly. Instead of buying lip balm, I dug out my Body Thrills lip balm (because nobody in their right mind throws any Body Thrills away!) and have it with me all the time now. My lips are eternally grateful. I will also be hauling out my body butter once my skin turns into dragon skin again.


Go on. Get some. You know you want to!


P.S. Did I mention you can ORDER ONLINE? How convenient :)

Day off

I have the day off tomorrow.


I am going to have my eyes tested in the morning since Spec Savers refuse to give me new contact lenses without another eye test (despite having my eyes tested in April last year). I am also going to pick out a new pair of frames and get myself new spectacles. The last time I got specs I was in high school and they are dated to say the least. My prescription hasn’t changed too much since then, but the frames have got to go. I wear contact lenses the majority of the time, but I’d like to be able to switch between specs and lenses to give my eyes a break. Also, I remember when I was pregnant with Babyice my eyes dried out a lot towards the end of my pregnancy and that made it quite difficult to see properly with the contact lenses, especially while driving. I am going on my own, so I hope I don’t pick out a dorky frame. I am not willing to spend R3000 on something I won’t be wearing that often, so I plan to get a cheap frame and lens deal. I just really hope I’ll find something that looks decent on me. I think people will be pretty jarred by seeing me wearing spectacles. Most people don’t even realize I need them because I have always just worn contact lenses in public. Since I got my specs when I was in high school, vanity and fear of being shunned led me to wear contact exclusively and I have never changed. Now I am old and have nobody to impress, what’s the harm? :P


After that I’ll be going to have my hair done again! I will be returning to the genius who fixed my hair before. I am BORED with my hair. I want to make a change…but this happens to me every so often and if I do something drastic like chopping it all off I end up regretting it. Doing something drastic with colour is also not really an option since I am only just getting my colour back to where I want it. Maybe I’ll be happy when my roots have been touched up and my hair is perfectly blonde once more. I’ll have a chat to the hairdresser and see what he says. Don’t think I haven’t considered purple tips/streaks. On the one hand I love the idea, on the other I feel like I am too old to walk around with punk rocker hair, you know? Yes, I know I’m not ancient…but still. My midlife crisis is yet to come.


I am rather looking forward to having my hair look beautiful again. I am just really hoping that I don’t feel nauseous while I am sitting there, because that would just suck. I am going to take some snacks with…and I must not forget my phone charger! At least I can play games and tweet while I wait for my hair to look pretty :)


I bought myself two snood scarves today. A plain black one and a black and white one. I am quite chuffed. I love them! Snood scarves are so much more manageable than regular scarves and they look so stylish :)

Gynae Appointment

So the day of the gynae appointment finally dawned and I was a little excited. I tried to concentrate on getting my bladder as full as possible for the scan. I was also expecting to have a pap smear and blood tests. The last time I went to the loo was at 09:30 and I started drinking water after that. Not too much, just 750ml. My appointment was scheduled for 11:15.


We went to the hospital and spent some time in the waiting room, which is always the case. There was nobody else there, but I was grateful for the little extra time the water had to make its way through to bladder. We went in and the gynae said no pap smear or blood tests. That was a relief :) He then popped me on to the table for a scan. All I wanted to see was a heartbeat and in the very beginning I couldn’t. I was also a bit distracted by the pressure on my adequately filled bladder. I was also very relieved that my bladder was full enough since he mentioned that he would of done an internal scan if the external failed. EEK! (Never had one of those). Then there it was. The flicker. The heartbeat. I nearly burst into tears. I’m nearly crying just as I type this. Flicker, flicker. Flicker, flicker. The scan says I am 7 weeks and 6 days and my due date is 11 January 2013. Babyice was predicted to be due on 11 February 2010 and he came on the 2nd. The gynae suspects I will give birth earlier again and that it will probably happen between the 2nd and 6th of January. My grandmother’s birthday is the 6th of January. She is ecstatic.


The gynae also said I may announce the pregnancy to the world and that it looks well established. Yay! Our baby is about the size of a grain of rice. Isn’t it an amazing miracle?! You can see a heartbeat in something the size of a grain of rice! I’ve posted a widget so you can follow the progress at any time :)


I am very chuffed. Thank you so much for all the positive and supportive comments on my last post. Thank you for all your prayers, thoughts and messages on Facebook and Twitter. I can’t thank you enough for your unfaltering companionship during my journey x

Guarding my heart

It is a natural instinct I suppose, to be careful. Once bitten, twice shy – as they say.


My first gynae appointment is on Friday morning. Every single time I start to feel excited I stop and push the feeling away. Every time I think to myself ‘It’s just two more sleeps’ I give myself a mental slap on the wrist. I keep telling myself not to get my hopes up, so that I can expect not to be disappointed.


This feeling stems from that day over three years ago, when I was blissfully ignorant and naive. It was our 20 week check up at the gynae. I was very excited. Hopefully that day we would finally found out the gender of our first baby. I counted the sleeps. I could of jumped out of my skin. That was also the day our dreams fell apart and the nightmare began. Since then I have picked up the pieces and glued everything back together again. Most days I can get through with no problems. Some days (usually when I’m exceptionally hormonal) I can become very emotional about it. I don’t take away from it at all. I don’t deny myself the opportunity to grieve when I need to. Granted, it does not happen often.


Now as I stand at the beginning of this road again, I am still haunted by my past experience.  When I was pregnant with Babyice, I tried not to get excited. I barely spoke to him. I think I was in denial for an entire 9 months. Surely I couldn’t/wouldn’t have this healthy baby. Perhaps I felt like I didn’t deserve him. I didn’t want to bond with him for fear of losing him. Despite going out and shopping for him from the very beginning, which I never did with Jamie. I think somewhere inside myself I knew that there was something wrong with my first pregnancy. Maybe it was because I was so sick all the time, that I had no desire to buy a single thing. Maybe it was because we didn’t know the gender yet…although there were many genderless things that we would of needed (i.e. bottles, sterilizers, nappies, etc). I literally bought something for Babyice before I even found out I was pregnant. This time? I have thought of things we would need to buy. I haven’t been paid yet, so haven’t actually had an opportunity to buy something frivolous for the new baby. I have mostly considered practical things like a new pram and another car seat. I suppose that means I do have a desire to provide for this baby. So maybe my gut is saying everything is all good. I’ve even told the new baby to ‘grow’ a few times.


I digress. This gynae appointment. It’s coming up and I desperately want to be excited about it, but I find myself swerving away from the excitement. I don’t want to be excited and run the risk of having my heart torn out again. I was a good girl. I took my folic acid for 6 months before getting pregnant. We planned this. Again it happened very quickly after I went off the pill…another thing that worries me. My boobs are definitely as sore now. Score. Not as much morning sickness as before…worried (yes I know some people don’t have it at all. Bitches).


On the one hand I am sure that it is completely normal to be a bit nervous or scared. On the other hand I resent it. I just want to be happy and excited. That is all.


Hopefully once this appointment is over…and we have seen a heartbeat I can let my guard down. Hopefully.


And I hope I didn’t jump the gun by telling everybody. Having to face them months later when they ask is a cruel punishment.