I was lying staring at the ceiling last night…I haven’t gone to bed early in a while so I struggled to fall asleep and my thoughts wandered…
I thought about what I pictured my life to be like when I was a little girl. When I was 8 years old – what did I expect out of adulthood? Who did I think I would be? Did I turn out to be that way? I sure as hell didn’t want to be married. Not for the conventional ‘boys are gross’ reasons, I just didn’t want to be married. I didn’t want to have a husband. I didn’t want to have kids. I only recently started bouncing the idea of babies around in my head (within the last year or so). I didn’t even really have a dream job then. All that mattered then were mud cakes, Barbie dolls and puppies.
I remember how we used to play ‘teacher’. I used to love putting things in order. I used to love gathering papers, stapling them, putting them in plastic sleeves and filing them. You should see what a mess my filing is in now! I’m probably about 6 months behind – I suppose when you’re young and you only go to school half day you have loads of time to file things, even though you have nothing to file. The irony is…well, ironic.
I didn’t even have the desire to have a car or to drive…or to live on my own. Who would cook for me? Who would wash my clothes? Surely life without the parents [read: slaves] would be impossible!
As I lay in bed with my arms wrapped around Rudi feeling warm and safe I realized that I had the one thing that I wanted when I was a little girl. I have a man that loves me. I have someone that wraps his arms around me every night and makes me feel safe. Clearly I hadn’t learnt the meaning of ‘living in sin’ or pre-marital sex. At that point sex wasn’t even a factor. I just wanted to lie in someone’s arms and feel safe.
I suppose if that is the standard I set for myself, even if I was young and naive, I have achieved my goal. I remember why I thought Rudi was ‘the one’. When I lay in his arms I felt the same as when I lay in my grandfather’s arms; a feeling of security, warmth and love. When I felt that, I knew.
Now I guess I need to treasure that. I have to realize that it is vulnerable and that I need to work at it and do my best to keep what I have. Heaven knows that relationships and marriages fail every day.
With all his faults and failings I love my husband. I will always love him and I hope he knows that.