I am not dead

It has been forever and a day since I have blogged. I have been through a lot in the last year and I didn’t want to go public about anything. I felt that blogging fluff would be disingenuous and I really didn’t have the emotional capacity to lay all my shit bare. I am not necessarily going to do that in this post either, but things are mostly out in the open now so I don’t think me blogging my truth would do much harm.

A week before Christmas last year, Rudi and I separated. We have been ever since. We are not divorced yet, but it is merely a formality. Honestly I have been avoiding the admin of it this for the past year. It was fairly amicable.

I am not doing badly at all. The financial constraints of being on my own are hard. Rudi pays his way and contributes monthly even though there is no signed agreement that he must and I commend him for that. I wish he could see the children more, but his job is very demanding. He is still in the transport industry and as a result he works shifts and weekends. The result of this is that I have my children all the time. If Rudi does take them it’s usually during the day when I am at work or for short period over a weekend, when I am at work or just for a few hours. So I do not have time to spend by myself, rest or even go out on a date if I were so inclined.

I’m not going to lie. It has been hard. Worrying about money, feeling lonely and isolated, the kids driving me up the wall. Most recently I didn’t have a car for almost 5 weeks. My car has been giving me endless trouble this year. I’ve spent tens of thousands of rands that I just don’t have repairing it. I am desperate to get rid of it now that it is fixed, but I will need a replacement and I am shit scared to buy another second hand car. I know it won’t necessarily be the same and it will be a very far stretch to afford a new car, but it is something I will need to do very soon.

I haven’t been seeing anyone since we split. I don’t think I am ready for any kind of commitment and admittedly I am jaded. I don’t want to discuss the details of why we separated. What I can say is that my faith in love and marriage has been destroyed. I don’t hate men, but it seems the men around me and the ones I encounter are less than admirable. Before someone throws a #notallmen at me, I know. I just don’t know where those “good guys” are. Being single at my age is hard. Guys have settled down. They are married or in relationships. Some may be divorced. The ones that worry me are the ones who have never been married. Why not? Some of the ones that are left were discarded for good reason. I also don’t get a chance to really go out and put myself out there.

Sleeping alone was a big hurdle for me to jump. I am a cuddler. I am very affectionate and physical touch is my main love language. Being deprived of that does take a toll on me. I cuddle my children as much as I can, but it just isn’t the same. Other than that I have had wonderful friends supporting me through the hard days. I am very fortunate to have these friends and feel blessed to be surrounded by people that care about me.

Something else I am doing is working on getting university certification. I was nominated for a course through work called ‘Women in Leadership’. The course is done through the University of the North West and will continue till April next year. It is as much an instructive course as it is a personal journey. It calls for deep reflection and gives you tools to understand yourself, the people around you and how to harness the power you have. I think this opportunity was presented to me in exactly the right time of my life as I need to rebuild everything from scratch and re-frame the way I look at myself and everything else. I am endeavouring to make a success of this. I want to use it as a spring board to jump into my new life and soar to new heights. Wish me luck!

To everyone that has nudged me to blog again, I apologise for taking so long. I needed to work through my stuff before I could put it out here. In the past I have use my blog to work through my issues. I used to blog-it-out through the hardest times in my life and it was cathartic for me. For some reason, I couldn’t do it with this. I am starting to take charge of my life and my future in a new way and I feel like coming back to blogging should be a part of that.

For those of you who have returned, thank you for coming back. I hope I will be able to continue blogging steadily, as much for you as for me.