My letter to this year:
I sincerely hope that you and I are going to be friends. I used to think I was friends with 2008, but we ended off on bad terms in the end. So far you have only been good to me, but I know that we will have some rough patches – that is inevitable. I want you to know I forgive you now already for those rough patches. Good friends need to go through ‘circumstances’ to strengthen their bond sometimes. Just don’t pull things out of proportion. I have a limit. 2008 knows where the line is – you might want to ask him.
Anway, there are a few things I want this year. I told God all about them. I figure if the two of you get together you can make a plan. Just let me know if you need anything from me. I’ll do my best.
I have a TINY sense of closure about 2008. I haven’t really required to put a year behind me like I do 2008, but I think I can. When everything happened with James, before our decision was made, I knew that I would get through this one way or the other. I did underestimate the effect it was going to have on me, but I knew that I would somehow get through it. Slowly things are getting better. I still have pain. I still cry about it. I still feel hurt and I still ask questions, without the expectation of an answer. Nobody can answer me anyway.
2008 was also a year of tremendous courage for me. I showed courage that I did not know I possessed. I still do not think I am a strong person, but I took some very difficult steps, made very difficult decisions and took responsibility for them. I wanted to shy away from the accountability. I wanted someone else to tell me what to do, but I stood on my own two feet and steered my life in a difficult direction. I weathered the storm and came out of it alive.
When I was younger I often asked myself the question “How will I know when I am a woman and no longer a girl?”. I may have been of a woman’s age for quite some time, but I feel like a woman inside now too. I am a ‘grown up’ now and will be exposed to all the
crap wonderful things being a grown up offers. I’ve been paying bills, dealing with family issues and living on my own for quite some time – but adulthood has become very real to me recently.
I have felt a bit guilty. My grandfather has been going through a very traumatic time, but in my mind I have made his problem smaller and focused on my own grief. Although I have offered him support and a lot of my time I still feel like I minimalized his illness in my own mind. I have not expressed this to anyone else, but I have felt guilty about it. Unfortunately our tragedies overlapped in time, but I will definitely focus on it and make sure he knows how proud I am of him for bravely going through his chemo and fighting for his life. I do not ever want to lose him, that is a grown up thing I will have to deal with much later.
I believe that 2009 will hold good things for me. In a year I will look back and not want to kick 2009 under the bum out of the door. I have to believe this is true. For my own sanity.