It is your 6th birthday today. I cannot believe it has been 6 years since you became an angel baby. So much has happened since then. You have a brother and a sister now. How lucky are we? Your brother talks about you sometimes. We’ve told him about you and sometimes he will tell me that you visited him in a dream. He says you play together nicely and have fun with each other. He says you have long brown hair and brown eyes. It makes me wish that I could plug into his dreams to get to know you and spend time with you too. I would really have loved that.
I usually take leave for your birthday, but this year I was not able to. It will be the first year that I am not home baking something for you. I am not sure what my day will be like at work. It may have been 6 years, but I have already teared up writing this post, so while time has helped stitch my heart back together, it still hurts at the seams. This is a kind of pain that everyone else has forgotten and that most do not understand, but it is there and it is real to me. The week leading up to your birthday I always feel sad and since I’m not always actively thinking about what we were going through 6 years ago at this point in time, sometimes I wonder why. I should know better. I really should. It is always there.
I wonder sometimes if you grow up in heaven. Your soul does not have a body, so how does that work exactly? I won’t ever know, but I like to think you can think for yourself and communicate in some way (with us or other souls) even though you could not do that when you left us.
I try not to be sad, but how could I not be? I know that you probably would not want me to be sad. I know time is probably different to you and to me. 6 years is a long time where I am. I do my very best not to let my sadness creep into our home life. I don’t want to be sad around your brother and your sister. They are too little to understand. I’m not sure they will ever understand until, God forbid, something like this happens to them. Until they lose a little piece of them they can never get back.
Some days I still feel so guilty. Your brother asks very basic questions…questions about how you died. I find those so very hard to answer. Sometimes he will say, very bluntly “Who killed her?” and he might as well be stabbing me in the heart. This morning when I told him he would be able to eat cake with us if he was good today, he asked me when you are coming back 🙁 While I know we made the right decision, not only for us, but for you…it isn’t always crystal clear and sometimes the lines blur and my heart breaks all over again. I don’t dwell on the “What ifs”. I simply can’t when it comes to you. I cannot do that to myself and I know deep down in my heart that I could never have done that to you either. Still…I wish you were here. I have nothing but memories of you. Nothing to hold onto, nothing to touch. I’m not sure if that makes it harder or easier.
If you were still here your sister probably would not be. That is hard to imagine. I know her in a way I never got to know you. I still don’t know exactly why you happened to us, but I know there must be a reason. Maybe to pave the way for your siblings…maybe to kindle a burning desire for them within me. Perhaps I needed you in some sort of physical sense. I don’t know.
Just so that you know, you are not forgotten. Mommy misses you.
Until we meet again,
***If you are new to my blog and you are unsure what this post is about, you can learn about Jamie in my About Me section.***