acidicice

Grief

I wonder when it will stop hurting. I’m at a point now where I cannot look at baby things or toys or babies. On Saturday (when everything sunk in) Rudi took me to a ‘fun day’ type thing that they were having near where we live. I was already upset and then I saw a tiny pair of pink baby shoes with a butterfly embroidered on them in white. I just couldn’t handle it. Suddenly everywhere I looked there were babies and toys and nappies…

I just opened the parenting community site and the first thing that came up was picture of one of my pregnant friend’s belly and I had to click away. I had to close it. I couldn’t look anymore…I couldn’t go and look at the forums (which was my original intention), I had to close it immediately.

This has got to go away. I have more than one pregnant friend at the moment (3 that I see regularly – two of these at work) and I cannot be weird with them. I cannot be angry with them…I cannot resent them. I am endlessly envious of them and their healthy babies…but none of this is their fault. I might need to see someone or speak to someone. There is enormous online support (the parenting community were extremely supportive and warm)…perhaps I should find an online community that deals exclusively with grief so that I do not stumble upon the other things that I cannot face right now.

I have to head back to work on Monday. I’m not looking forward to facing the world. I’ve kind of holed myself up and surrounded myself with family and close friends. I’ve got to be OK. I can’t break. I need to be OK.

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