She still haunts my dreams. Even though I have managed to cut myself off from her semi-permanently I cannot escape her when I sleep. I often dream about her lately. I hate it. Last night I slept very badly. I woke up crying. This morning at work talking to Leebeesa about it I started crying all over again. Luckily we were discussing it via IM. She is so concerned about me, if I say ‘ow’ she makes sure I’m OK. It’s sweet 🙂
Every time I dream about My Evil Mother we are in a shop. Most of my previous dreams I was shopping for Christmas decorations. Last night it was normal grocery shopping and my stepfather was also there. After shopping we walked past the ice cream stall. I wanted some and my stepfather started shouting at me. I felt really vulnerable and hurt by this. I think I was a child in the dream. After this My Evil Mother was threatening to have debit orders put on my bank account and that I couldn’t stop her from doing this. It’s possible. I assure you. She has done this to my grandfather and he struggled his bum off to get it stopped.
I am still terrified of her. Emotionally I know she has the ability to flatten me. She’s always been an expert manipulator. Financially she has flattened me before, but I did allow that to a certain extent. She no longer has an ounce of trust with me. I will never allow her to take advantage of me like that again.
I think I’m worried and afraid of her trying to elbow her way into my life once our baby is here. She’ll wail and scream injustice. She’ll tell me that I’m depriving her of her grandchild. She’ll fling insults at me. She’ll hurt me all over again. I don’t want my child to be exposed to her bad side and unfortunately, that comes with the little bit of good in her. She’ll use our child to get attention. When we lost Jamie…it was all about her that lost a grandchild, a lot less about me who was no longer going to be a mother.
I can’t control my dreams. I need to get her out of them. How? I don’t believe there are unresolved issues as such. I am bound to her…bound by blood, until death do us part. I will never be rid of her. I just wish she would leave me alone, everywhere.
As for my grandfather, his nightmare has temporarily come to an end. He went to see his oncologist today and has been put off chemo for 3 months. He had a really bad reaction to the first treatment a couple of weeks ago. He still has a rash covering his entire body. It looks like he has chicken pox. He discussed the cucumen with his oncologist and the doctor said he could try that for the 3 months that he will not be receiving chemo and they’ll schedule him for a cat scan to see if there has been any improvement. Chemo could still be an option after that. He is over the moon and I am happy that he is happy and that he is taking advice from the doctor who has been caring for him.
Now…Do dream catchers really work?