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Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Yes I have. Mostly in my mid to late teens.

I am an only child and had two working parents. I felt lonely and neglected a lot of the time. Coupled with the abuse that I endured and the resulting behaviours I spiralled downwards emotionally. I don’t know if you could say I suffered with depression. I saw a psychologist once or twice, but not on a regular basis (in retrospect probably because My Evil Mother didn’t pay). I was never on any medication and didn’t use any kind of drugs when I was at school. Somehow I just dealt with things.

Perhaps I am too much of a coward to kill myself. If I really had to do it, I would probably do it with sleeping pills and alchohol. Seriously. That must be the easiest way in my uneducated opinion. Unless someone finds you and you have to get your stomach pumped. I couldn’t possibly cut myself (I don’t understand cutting) and I couldn’t pull a trigger or hang myself. Too much of a coward. They say suicide is cowardly…and in some ways it is, but you have to be damn desperate and brave to actually end it ALL. Especially since nobody knows with any certainty that there is something better on the other side. Those who have faith and believe that there is, should also know they won’t get to the “better” place by killing themselves.

One of the reasons I want to have another baby is so that Babyice doesn’t grow up feeling lonely like I did. Maybe if I had a sibling to confide in, it wouldn’t have been so bad.