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Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Ending Jamie’s life, never holding her or going to see her.

It’s that simple. In the end it was the absolute best thing to do for her. It was the right thing to do. It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do, but in the end I did it.

Sure, Rudi had a part and I insisted that it be a joint decision, but I did it. I was the one who swallowed that first induction pill. I sat bawling my eyes out. All I could think was that if I swallowed this pill, it would kill the living child inside of me, it would kill my baby and I did it.

To this day I don’t know how she died. If she was alive when she was born or whether she was already no longer with us. I don’t know if she drew a breath. I didn’t want to know. I didn’t hold her. When they asked me if I wanted to I said no. I was scared. I didn’t think I could handle it. Rudi didn’t go either. She died alone in this world.

As I’m writing this the tears are streaming down my face. I feel like a terrible person. I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself.