I stand on the precipice. I have to jump off. Again. I have started and stopped this journey what feels like a million times. Because I’ve stopped, I’ve had to start again. Most times the starts are filled with enthusiasm and I’m excited. Not this time. This time I’m just at a ‘I really have to do something’ point. I need to board the weight loss train. Again. *GROAN* This is a part of my life that I just can’t seem to get right. I quit smoking for Pete’s sake. The problem with food is…I can’t live without it.
Obviously my problems are food choices and portion control. I know this. Duh. How hard is it to control what you put in your mouth? Apparently not so easy. I am an ‘unconscious’, social and impulsive eater. The other day we were driving in the car and there were some of those eclair toffees laying around. Rudi had one and before I knew what I had done, I had eaten four. Only after I had put the fourth one into my mouth, did this occur to me. It was like I was on autopilot. I didn’t even realize what I had done until it was over. I eat socially, sometimes occasions are all about the food. Clearly, this is something I get from my mother (see previous post). I’m impulsive because I’ll think of something that I want and I’ll go get it and eat it. No stopping me once the idea is in my head. If there are biscuits in the cupboard and I remember that they’re there, they are doomed. I also find it hard to stop once I’ve started. Not one or two biscuits. ALL THE BISCUITS.
Add all these bad habits to my deep seated psychological issues. After the abuse in my childhood, I figured out that fat =unattractive. So if I made myself fat, the evil men would leave me alone. Well, that didn’t work. In fact, I think it isolated me more and made it easier for them. I’ve been very overweight, obese even, since about 8 years old, judging from my school photos. Of course, when you get to high school you want to be attractive and I traded my unhealthy eating habits for other unhealthy eating habits and starved myself to an acceptable weight. Since then I’ve been yo-yo dieting. I was about 30 kg lighter than I am now when I met Rudi. Thirty. 30. That’s a lot of kilos. Having kids hasn’t really compounded my problems. I only gained 15 kg when I was pregnant with Babyice and lost it all after having him and I gained 7.5 kg with PrincessIce and also lost that and some more. I assumed the breastfeeding was helping me lose weight, but once I went on Eglynol the weight started to pack back on and I’m currently about 3 kg over my pre-pregnancy weight. I was 3 kg under it when PrincessIce was about 2 months old. Having babies is not what made me fat. They have nothing to do with it. Having them might of screwed with my hormones and metabolism though, so I might have trouble losing the weight that is there. I know what my problems are. I can’t imagine a life without delicious food, or drinks. I get bored so easily. I can’t eat the same food over and over again. I might have something I had for supper for lunch the next day, but that is the cut off. Don’t ask me to eat it again for a few days or a week.
I feel like I’ve failed before I’ve started. I feel like this is something I cannot do, after all, I’ve tried so many times. But I have to do something. I don’t want to be big anymore. I want to be more comfortable at the very least.
I hate exercise. My gym subscription is gathering dust. Every month when my debit order comes off I see some Virgin Active accountant chuckling to himself. Another sucker. Exercise has never gotten easier for me. Or more enjoyable. Why can’t I get “addicted” to exercise like other people do? I do enjoy yoga and would want to do that again, but I probably need to do boring, horrible, crappy cardio to burn fat. If I wanted to exercise successfully I would need a personal trainer, which I most definitely cannot afford. I need someone to expect me to show up, tell me what to do and make me do it. Even when I had a personal trainer (Virgin gave me 12 free sessions), I wasn’t eating right, so it had limited efficacy. Gym buddies don’t work for me either.
I know that the comments to this blog will be encouraging. I know that everyone will back me and cheer me on. I just wish I could feel it for myself. Do it for myself. Just get it done. I also know everyone will have ideas and contributions. Why not try Paleo? Why not do this and this? Thank you. Can someone come and cook for me? Prepare me lunch and dinner? Move my legs for me and make them run? No. I have to do that myself. I have to this myself. There may be a lot of bitching and moaning.
What sparked this post? I just can’t deny it anymore. I look terrible. I see photos of myself and want to cry. The person I see looks the size of a house. Yes, I’m critical. If I’m not critical, I would just end up getting worse and worse, wouldn’t I? Then last week I was referred to as/told I’m fat by two different people on the same day. It’s not just the way I see myself, it is the way others see me. What about my kids? What kind of example am I setting?
After my birthday I will begin. I must.