acidicice

A new day, every day

So on Tuesday I finally started my “life change”.  No, not menopause. My lifestyle has required a change for a long time and I’ve finally begun.   I’m trying my best to approach this time completely differently. This is not a diet. I cannot go on a diet. If I go on a diet, that means I at some point won’t be on a diet anymore and I’ll revert to my old ways. Loop de loop. I’m hoping I can somehow convince myself, change my own mind about food and reevaluate my relationship with it. It needs some serious work. What relationship doesn’t? This is a lifestyle change. I am literally teaching myself how to eat (properly). This is something that I didn’t grow up with and so I’ve never learnt. I have no idea what a healthy portion size is, to me a healthy portion size is too much.

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Of course I know which foods are good for you and which are bad. I don’t know how to cook with healthy food. I don’t know any good healthy recipes. Cooking vegetables is an art I haven’t yet mastered. I’m hoping all this will change. Once I know how to make interesting, tasty food that is healthy and not EAT ALL OF IT, maybe things will change.   I’m following the Weigh-Less formula of things with the help of a friend who has done it before. She also gets really creative with food. Getting bored with the food I eat is a big problem for me. For instance, I can’t eat leftovers for more than one meal the next day. I also cannot eat the same thing day after day. So having someone to bounce meal ideas off of is great.

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On Tuesday I packed myself a tiny portion (4 level Tbsp) of Pronutro for breakfast. Gosh, that barely touched sides. I drank 750 ml of water Tuesday and Wednesday. Drinking water is very hard for me, so this is a start. I had a nectarine and small yoghurt for a snack at about 10 at which point I was already hungry again. I only managed lunch at about 13:30 and was ravenous by that time! I had a panini roll with tuna and mayo and some cherry tomatoes and cucumber. Because I was ravenous before I ate, even though I had eaten quite a bit I was still hungry. If I let myself get to that point of hunger when I’m not watching my intake I can easily inhale a huge amount of food in a short space of time.  A cup of coffee sorted out the leftover hunger pangs. At around 16:00 I had some strawberries and another small yoghurt. Our plans for dinner were mince and rice. I wanted pasta, Rudi wanted rice. Supper ended up being delicious and I had to restrain myself from going back and getting seconds, especially since I had a smaller portion than I am used to.

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I was hungry most of the day on Tuesday. One of my colleagues asked me why I was so grumpy! Wednesday was only a little better. I hope my body will adjust to the smaller portions quickly. I know drinking water will help keep me fuller for longer, I did try this Tuesday morning after breakfast mind you and it didn’t work very well. I also weighed myself Tuesday morning and I am already at my pre-pregnancy weight. So at the very least I don’t have “baby weight” to lose. I don’t know what having the kids has done to my system though and I’m not sure if having them will make losing weight harder. I also don’t know how breastfeeding will affect my weight loss. I am hoping that I can not obsess about the number on the scale. I’m going to try and not weigh myself. TRY. I want weight loss to be a side effect of what I am doing and not the sole focus.  I am also not going to chastise myself if I stray. It will happen and it isn’t the end of the world. Just dust myself off and try again at the next meal. One meal at a time. I am not torturing myself either. I’m never going to love black coffee, so I drink it with milk AND use milk to make my porridge. Technically not allowed, but let’s be honest, it wasn’t some extra milk that made me fat.

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Breastfeeding has made me realize that I have a lot more determination in me than I give myself credit for. Emotionally breastfeeding was very hard work for me. For the first few months I wanted to quit on a daily basis. I thought about it so often, but I pushed through and here I am, more than 7 months later, still doing it. I have had lots of support on that front and I hope I will have support for my new lifestyle too. Someone has already tried to derail me once and I managed to dodge the bullet that time. It is still early days. I have never approached weight loss and food with my current mentality and I hope that it will be the key this time.

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Health benefits are not the only reason I am doing this. I want to give my children the gift of a good, healthy relationship with food. I want them to learn to eat healthily as I set an example for them. I hope to be able to teach them that healthy food can be delicious and to eat everything in moderation. Lessons I am now teaching myself. Also, I don’t want a health scare to force me into changing my life. I want to do it on my own terms. Let’s face it, I was a health scare waiting to happen. I was thinking about it and my body is a machine that serves me 24/7, why am I not looking after it? Why am I fuelling it with junk? I wouldn’t toss the wrong fuel into my car’s petrol tank and expect it to work forever. Logical musings I have chosen to ignore for years.

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I always start these journeys with the best of intentions and pearls of wisdom as I did above. This time I need to make it last.

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Since Tuesday I’ve been running to the loo a lot more often, so my body is already responding to the changes I’ve made. Another positive thing I noticed the other day is a shift in my attitude towards myself. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw something I didn’t like. The stuck record of chastising myself started to play in my head and I pressed the stop button. I have started. I am making an effort and I thought to myself that I should not critisize what I look like now when I am working on changing that. For me, that is a big step. Being awful to myself comes incredibly easily to me. I think being overweight contributes to my self loathing a lot.

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So here is to a happier, healthier life. Please help me up if you see me stumble.

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