23 weeks

23 weeks today. One more week and we’re at the 6 month mark! I can’t believe it! I’m feeling fine. Some ligament pain every now and then which is completely bearable, a little heartburn and some crying spells. I’ve also had some trouble getting sick when brushing my teeth in the mornings, but luckily that is usually on an empty stomach. Nothing I can’t handle.

 

Most of my pants don’t fit me anymore…I couldn’t be bothered to buy more RIGHT NOW. It’s alternatively still winter here…crappy weather every second day, the days in between being lovely and mild…so it can wait.

 

Rudi and I will be attending our first antenatal class tonight. I’m so glad I called yesterday. We’ve already missed a class and most of the people are not offering classes in December or January – and then it’s too late! The lady who will be facilitating our class is willing to recap the lesson we missed with us. It’s only R800.00 for 8 lessons of 2 hours each. I don’t think that’s a bad price at all. I’m an only child and Rudi is the youngest in his family, so neither of us have any real baby experience. I’d rather be a little prepared than completely overwhelmed.

 

Apparently we’re covering natural birth tonight. We’ll be watching videos of natural birth. Rudi might faint. Mwu wa ha ha ha ha. He’s always saying he is ‘squeamish’ and doesn’t know if he’ll be able to come into the delivery room with me…I guess now will be the best time to prepare him. He will be there. I insist.

 

My last birth experience was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I cannot describe the pain in words at all. I can tell you that I screamed. So loudly that the other expecting mothers in the labour ward became fearful. I can tell you that I was begging for someone to help me. I can tell you I was praying for it to be over. It didn’t help that there was no pot of gold at the end of that rainbow. Based on this experience I am terrified of giving birth. I have no other frame of reference. I understand that it might and probably will be completely different the next time around…but right now I’m scared. My epidural didn’t work. What if it doesn’t work again? What if the pain is just as bad? What if they have to knock me out and I miss my baby’s first cry? What if…

 

Jamie’s birthday is coming up early next month. On 5 November it will be a year since she was born…and she died. This morning I tried to start compiling a letter to her in my head. I just sat there crying. It’s going to be really hard. I think I’ll do it when I’m alone at home. It will be better that way. Then I can just cry it out. My face was leaking quite a bit today.

 

Great news is…our Bishop said last night that he might come to our congregation to baptise our baby! That would be super awesome! I’m stoked. He asked me to send him an e-mail. I will!