Mommy Club
Today I noticed a few posts going about about the “Mommy Club”. I stumbled across Stacey’s post and then managed to make the link to Melinda’s post in my tired brain. I recommend you give them both a read so you’ll understand what I’m on about.
While I can completely relate to how Stacey feels, I don’t think it is done intentionally to make anyone else feel inadequate. Feelings of inadequacy go hand in hand with motherhood. I feel inadequate all the time. I do think that Twitter fuels these feelings greatly, but I am certain it is because of the way I internalise and interpret these postings and has nothing to do with the people posting whatever it is at the time. I pegged a while ago that people cannot possibly have the fantastic and perfect lives I see on Facebook. Personally I am very picky about what I post. I don’t always post moonshine and roses, but I often hold back bad things and photos with double chins. If Rudi and I are fighting I’ll often be tempted to fire off a scathing tweet, but I often end up deleting and not posting it at all. These nip-tucks on my posts probably alter the perception the readers of such have of my life. I am sure almost everybody does it. Sarah (one of my best friends) told me the other day I’m a great mother. I didn’t comprehend the statement. Sarah isn’t a mother yet and she obviously has NO idea what a good mom is (this is what I tell myself). I then started to tell her about all the mothers out there in the bloggersphere and Twitter world that make amazing cakes and rainbow jelly (RAINBOW JELLY!) for their kids’ birthdays. They make play dough for them, do arts and crafts and a multitude of other things. I haven’t managed to bake a birthday cake yet. I still haven’t figured out rainbow jelly (I even googled to show her photos). I probably wasn’t half as nurturing and did she know I just couldn’t manage to breastfeed? What on earth is she talking about? A good mom. Ha.
The lives of these Johannesburg mothers certainly do seem fabulous and glamorous. I am sure that their lives are wonderful, but not without poo, pain and problems. Another thing I learnt a while ago is that even the hot chicks get cheated on, dumped and treated like crap. All my life I assumed that beautiful, skinny girls were put on pedestals and treated like queens. No guy would mess around something so great once they got their hands on it, right? Wrong. Just because I have self esteem issues and do not love myself as I should, doesn’t mean someone else is better off than me because they fit into the mould society has created. I think these moms are doing exactly what I am doing. They are sharing their experiences and the nice things they are able to do when they get the chance. I would do exactly the same. I really don’t think that they are trying to rub our collective noses in it. They are hanging out together at a place they like that is good for their kids and sharing it with their virtual friends. They are bloggers and tweeters. It’s what WE do.
All of this controversy raises a question for me. These mothers are clearly taking time out of their lives and creating opportunities to get together and spend time with each other. They are actively engaging, forming strong friendships and bonds and at the same time their kids are having fun together. Why is this not happening in Cape Town? Where is MY Mommy Club? Why are we not spending time together? Most of my friends do not have children. I have met a few Twitter moms, but we never really see each other anymore. I haven’t seen most of them in over a year. I haven’t even MET most of the Cape Town mothers and therefore do not really have many ‘real life’ mommy friends. Wouldn’t this be nice? I think it would be awesome to have a few moms and their kids get together somewhere. The kids can play. The moms can talk. Hell, we could even drag the dads along and turn it into a braai! Perhaps friendships will develop and I will find more people I love spending time with.
We all need camaraderie. We all need someone to listen and a shoulder to cry on. We all need someone that can relate to our joys and frustration. Mommies should support each other. It really shouldn’t be a competition. Yes, people are naturally competitive, but we all have our strengths and weaknesses. Am I being naive? Is it so hard to empathise instead of comparing and feeling superior? Maybe this is why it is so hard to ask for help. The fear of judgement. Where does this come from? Bugger all the condescending old ladies who tell us we’re not doing it right! We’re a new generation of mothers who have the Internet at our fingertips, instant connection should mean instant validation and support.
And now…to lighten up this post, some pictures from our breakfast at Skilpadvlei on Saturday morning:
Thank you to Willem who took these lovely shots of Babyice.
You’re in my mommy club. Honestly, at the moment, I barely have time to sleep, inbetween work and life, and homework duties and school functions. It’s enough for me that I know that I have my mommy club at the end of the phone. I know that sounds weird but I’m not a big fan of socialising (I know, you’re shocked!) and I am happy and I know and I trust, that I can call one of my mommy club at 2am (you included!) and say “fuck, what the fuck do I do now?!?”
We need each other’s support. Not each other’s judgement. Always X
Awww Cath, you could totally call me x
I think for starters it’s important to note that a handful of Tweeters/Bloggers do not represent all of Jo’burg’s Mommies, we all live varied and busy lives and what one set enjoy another will not. For example the place where said bloggers/tweeters hang out… I’ve been there once and did not like it, I know I’m not alone in feeling that way either.
Secondly the thing that I’ve learned the most about “the mommy club” is twofold:
For starters it’s not a tangible club, with membership fee’s and a regular meeting place, its more a matter of having a baby and by default being thrust into the club in varying degree’s depending on what best suites ones needs.
Secondly nobody ever really feels they fit in. I think motherhood feeds into all of our insecurities and all of us feel that in some area’s we’re not quite good enough or don’t quite measure up. This speaks volumes about ourselves and very little about other mom’s.
I hate the term “cool mommy club” because that’s so open to interpretation. I may not be hanging out with my child at the “coolest” spot and with the “coolest” people. For me being a “cool” mommy is filling a blow up pool with Geli Baff, while sipping on a couple of beers and hiding around the corner sneaking in a few ciggies with my mommy gang, while our husbands stand around the braai with the rugby blaring in the background. That is my idea of cool mommy fun.
Each to his own after all!
I agree. Everybody is different.
I still see myself as a very inexperienced mother. Everything from here on will still be new and challenging for me. I had to google Gelli Baff! (++ cool points for you, Mommy!)
I still think that we should make an effort to see each other so that we can find people we also enjoy spending time with. Not even necessarily to be part of some “club”, but for our own sanity!
Oh absolutley agree! But that has more to do with sisterhood and community and friendship. While I have met a lot of Mom bloggers/ tweet mom’s, only a few of them have turned into the type of friends that I could call in the middle of the night if I needed help. I think a lot of it has to do with how we define friendships.
Yes, but it is an avenue to be explored where new friends can be discovered and friendships can develop
Hey, we could hang out. My kids are hard work but if you are game then so am I.
Quite frankly, I’m not part of any club and am flying solo for now. There is less judgment, less pressure and my self-esteem issues don’t come into play. It’s just easier that way.
Oh, and I also burn everything that I bake so Woollies will have to do forever and ever AMEN! I’ve no idea how to make jelly btw so don’t feel bad.
BTW….I went to Skilpadvlei once and I LOVED it. Kids did too!
hey u not alone we also dont have a “mommyclub” in dbn but hey i might b on the other side of the woods but i can still try to help! Sometimes though hanging with other moms u still dont feel right cos some just seem to be way to competitive with the “my child can do this and mine can do that i thought u only got that when they were babies u know those ones where they tell u “my baby slept through at this age,or said their first word at this age” which makes u think why yours arent at that milestone gee then they start pre school and they still competing it just never ends! And ja sometimes life gets really busy between kids birthday parties and work your time is never your own.
sorry love the pics as well by the way
when we brought our new adopted baby home at very short notice moms that I have never met (if so, maybe once or twice) put together a twitter baby shower. Something I thought would never work. Well, was I proven wrong? Within a few days our spare room was filled to the brim with things for our new arrival.
It’s not a club I belong to, it’s people who share common interests, are kind, generous and care a lot. Oh, and some happen to be moms too
Last night I tweeted that new baby has reflux, Within minutes I had valuable advice, from people who’ve been there, done it and got the wrinkles to prove it – most of whom I don’t hang out with on weekends but I know that at the click of a ”send” button my tweeps will be there to help, however they can
It’s not a club. It’s a sisterhood. A motherhood. A community x
I completely agree with you. I had Twitter right from the start and it has been invaluable!
Chick, let me tell you that there is *nothing* glamorous about my life at this time! In fact, most of the time, I kind of feel a bit like the street kid with his nose pressed up against the sweet shop window…
But it sure is nice to have all those friends in the computer to talk to – yourself included – and knowing that even if I go quiet as I do every so often, they’ll be there when I get back.
You want to know something funny- I get miffed because I get left out of a lot of the “mommy” get-togethers because my child isn’t a toddler!
