Before…
I have HAD it with myself. I am so sick of being overweight. This has been mulling in my head for a long while, but I have been hesitating, procrastinating, putting it off, pushing the thoughts aside and avoiding the issue. Like I’ve been doing for years. Babyice is a year old already and even though I loathe the “I’ve just had a baby” excuse and have deferred from using it, I don’t even qualify for it anymore.
On Saturday I went for a bridal shower at The Mount Nelson hotel. Photos were taken and I was sent one of myself this morning. It was the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back. I look disgusting. It is so depressing. Here is the photo:
Before
I would never publicize a photo like this of myself. I would never tag myself on Facebook or post this anywhere, because I am ashamed and embarassed. This is all my fault. I can blame it on anyone else as much as I like, but in the end it comes down to me. Yes, I have bad genes, but it is my job and responsibility to look after myself and to control my weight.
The reason I do not want to begin, is that I am afraid. Afraid of the disgrace that is failure. I have failed at this one thing time and time again my entire life. I have always been “the fat girl”. Always. Very seldom is there someone who is more overweight than I am in a crowd and even when there is, it doesn’t make me feel better about myself. This weekend I was invited to a girl’s night with a very good friend of mine. One of the reasons I didn’t go was because I knew I would be the only “fat girl” there. I would feel uncomfortable and out of place. A girl I went to primary school with would also be there. I haven’t seen her for almost 17 years…all I could think was that she would think “She hasn’t changed much, just as fat as ever”. Of course this is completely unjustified, I have no idea what she would have thought. I know my friend doesn’t judge me, in fact she gets annoyed if I mention it, but in my head this is the reality. This is my perception of how people think about me, because this is how I think of myself.
I remember being in primary school when they did a general check up of all the children. Height/weight/eye and hearing tests. I went home with a diet book that day. I was mortified. I was only 8 or 9 and already then I started to hurt. I remember one of the guys in school turning around to me one day and saying “You know, you’re pretty, but you’re fat”. That has been the story of my life.
I think I know why I packed on all the weight and that reason is no longer valid. I can’t hide behind this anymore. I HAVE TO do something. I’m going to join the gym. A colleague of mine has been gymming (she was approximately the same as I am now, if not a little lighter) and she is looking GORGEOUS. I compliment her every time I see her. She has volunteered to be my gym buddy and has even said she will come to a branch further away from her home and closer to me to gym together. I need someone to help me, gym with me and hold me accountable. She’s not a personal trainer, but she is a supportive friend and I hope that this is the boost I need.
I still need to work around Babyice’s evening schedule to make time for this, but I WILL do it. I MUST. I will be putting up a weight loss/centimetre loss tickers as soon as I get started. I pray that I don’t fail again. It will be the end for me if I do. I simply can’t.
UPDATE:
I am now a card carrying gym member!
Gym membership card 
I went to my nearest gym last night after work and signed up. Rudi also signed up and we’ll be adding Babyice soon so he can stay in the kiddies area while we gym. I’ll be going for my “Ignition” tonight (check up, showing me around, working out a routine for me) and Rudi will be going on Thursday. We have a gym date on Friday with my friend!
Go you! Sterkte and good wishes. You are doing the something I know I cannot put myself through. Bravo. X
Good for you!! This is going to be an amazing year for you.
Holding thumbs for you my friend. Congratulations on the decision.
Very proud of you!
Be prepared for it to be a long, slow process to see results but if you stick with it, you will see results. Do not get despondent and give up, just carry on with the small wins. And every time you make health choices and every time you drag your tired ass off to gym, its a win. If you have a bad day / week / month, it is not the end. You just pick yourself up and carry on.
You are too pretty and too clever and have way too much to offer than just to be ‘the fat girl’. (Even if you aren’t the skinny girl, you can be the healthy, happy, fit, normal, curvy girl.) Good for you!
I might see you there!
(now I just got to take all my assvice and use it on myself!!)
Wow well done you!! Very proud of you!!! You have actually given me some motivation to do something as well.
Good luck!! You are much braver than I am!!!
I have also always felt like ‘the fat girl’, but I have also decided enough is enough. I started walking in January and the results are amazing. I also manage to sort a lot of headspace stuff out when I walk.
Good for you, all the best!
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Good luck and hang in there.
I am walking this path with – started yesterday. I can’t afford gym, so I’m focusing on what and how I eat. No more bread for me (my weakness) and focusing on eating slowly. Whew – this is tough. I wish you strength and courage to do this day by day and let’s hope that both of us meet our targets. Good luck.
good luck my friend. i know u can do it yes the road is long and very hard believe me i was also the “little fat girl” and being short also shows all the bulges. i have been trying to eat healthy and cut out the junk (yes there are days that i fail but thats only human dont beat yourself over that as long as u get back onto the wagon the next day/meal) good luck and keep up posted i know u can do it just a warning i was a “fatty” still am slightly overweight but with the weight ive lost so far (12kg) my partner has noticed and has also become quiet jealous (good to keep him on his toes though think he didnt think i could do it so stay focused my friend and u will succeed hey by next summer maybe we will even see u in that bikini body catching a tan on the beach
Well done! I had a moment like this, this time last year. I hated every photo I saw of myself from our holiday in South Africa and so I also made myself accountable. It has taken a year but now I am 10kgs lighter but SO much fitter, healthier and happier. You can do this, every time you feel the urge to sabotage yourself, just reach out, there will be so many people on this journey with you! Take it one step at a time and GO FOR IT!
Congratulations! The time issue is a problem and honestly, not all kids want to stay in that kid area. For us, that doesn’t work.
Be prepared to take it slow, but steady.
Good for you lady.
Firstly, let me say I think you are beautiful – especially your eyes – but it is so important for us women to feel good about ourselves and of course we need to be healthy for our kids’ sake.
I’ve been gymming for months now and initially I saw hardly any results then all of a sudden WHAM. So stick it out. Commit yourself to going 3 times a week. If your friend can’t go, find a class to attend.
Also, don’t stress about the kids area. In my experience they are excellent and Eli will get used to it quick enough. Don’t make a big deal of it and hopefully it will be something he looks forward to. (Tandia is QUEEN BEE in that place – I come in to find her in a Bumbo surrounded by adoring 3 year olds all vying for her attention haha).
Finally, it sounds like you were given a complex as an 8 or 9 year old and have fought mental battles with that every since. Please do yourself a favour and check out this website (and sign up for the newsletter) http://www.soundbites.co.za – click the links in non-diet weight management. It’s all about changing your attitude to food and has really given me a fresh perspective – eating for health and because I’m hungry, rather than eating emotionally or rebelliously if that makes sense.
GOOD LUCK CHICKEN, and if you need encouragement / are feeling lazy let me know and I’ll give you a virtual kick up the butt
PS Don’t allow any excuses. At the start my man and I agreed that my 3 gym sessions are 100% non-negotiable despite us having to juggle baby and sharing a car. And because we’ve prioritised it as such it has always worked out.
You can do it!
Good luck! It will be a slow process but keep your mind strong andyoull accomplish great things.
I’m right there with you my friend!!
Good luck my friend! One of the best decisions I made was to start gymming. Definately worth it and on those days that u don’t want to go, then go… Ull be glad u did!
Awesomeness!! One question? I looked at the photo and am really missing your dark hair….loved it!
Ps: Remember what happened the last time you went on a weight loss journey? Babyice was conceived…..just a thought….use it….don’t use it!
I’m going back to my “roots”. Although I like the very dark hair myself, it is also becoming a bitch to maintain, so I’m going to try and get as close to my natural colour as possible
P.S. Yes I remember…all in good time. This is not the intention…but who knows?
Well nothing wrong with getting back to your roots. Can’t even remember my natural color, although I think it is darkish.
All of that extra energy (from weightloss and gym) needs to go somewhere and you and I both know where is a good place to start! So here is to some marathon bed sessions and then as you said…..who knows?
I am with you all the way – you are making fantastic progress!!!!!!! go go go!
[...] year February I decided to do something about my weight. I joined the gym. With gusto. I am very proud to say, unlike any gym membership I have ever had, [...]