Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Ending Jamie’s life, never holding her or going to see her.
It’s that simple. In the end it was the absolute best thing to do for her. It was the right thing to do. It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do, but in the end I did it.
Sure, Rudi had a part and I insisted that it be a joint decision, but I did it. I was the one who swallowed that first induction pill. I sat bawling my eyes out. All I could think was that if I swallowed this pill, it would kill the living child inside of me, it would kill my baby and I did it.
To this day I don’t know how she died. If she was alive when she was born or whether she was already no longer with us. I don’t know if she drew a breath. I didn’t want to know. I didn’t hold her. When they asked me if I wanted to I said no. I was scared. I didn’t think I could handle it. Rudi didn’t go either. She died alone in this world.
As I’m writing this the tears are streaming down my face. I feel like a terrible person. I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself.
I am *SO* very proud of you! They say that the right decision is the most difficult one. To have brought a child into a world, suffering so much, ever day, and to see this pain in her eyes. Most probably, she would not have survived very long. You saved her from suffering.
I think its difficult to comment on you not going to see her. Its understandable that you did not feel prepared. That’s okay. The fact that you ponder it still to this day, means that you do not lack emotions, but rather are full and overwhelmed by them. You are not a terrible person – you are HUMAN. Forgiveness will come with time, for you did not intentionally create such abnormalities within a precious child, and you simply wanted her not to suffer. She will forever be your child in your heart, and loves her mommy.
It must have been the most awful decision to take and it is so normal to blame yourself. As I would too. Hugs to you .
I’ve just had a chance to visit your blog and catch up for the first time in a while…. I have nothing to say here except *HUGE BIG HUGS*. I can not imagine how difficult that must have been….
No words, my friend. Just lots of love. I could not imagine surviving such an experience.
no words just a big hug xxx
No words hunny pie, no words! xoxo
No words, but my thoughts are with you. What a moving post.
No one could ever judge you for your decision. I think it is one every mother dreads. Nothing ever prepares you for that. You are strong and brave you made the best decision you could. You did not want her to suffer, yet you loved her. The hardest decisions as a parent come from that place. Be kind to yourself, you may not think so but there is nothing to forgive.
Oh my sweet friend… my heart just aches for you…
I wanted to add that thankfully, your angel baby will forever be cradled in her heavenly father’s arms, and she knows how much you love her.