Moved on
So it’s been almost 2 years since our baby girl was born and died. In the interim we have had a new baby to smother with love.
At first when we lost Jamie I was devastated. Completely and utterly broken. This is normal. I know this and I allowed myself to feel any feelings I needed to. Trying to have another baby was difficult. We tried for about 4 months until my heart could not take it anymore. I decided to let go, to live my life and leave it in the hands of fate. Approximately 6 months after Jamie left us, Babyice was conceived. During my pregnancy things were still difficult. I’d still cry for the baby I’d lost. I’d still wonder if things would go wrong with Babyice, but I started moving into a different frame of mind. After Babyice was born there was a little difficulty bonding, but we did and now we’re stuck like super glue.
When I think about Jamie now, I’m no longer completely broken. I don’t cry uncontrollably. Depending on the context in which she comes to mind, sometimes I don’t cry at all. On the other hand, I was walking back to my desk from the ladies room at work the other day thinking about her and nearly burst into tears. I think PMS may have contributed to this.
I feel like I’ve moved on from her death. I haven’t forgotten her and I don’t intend to, but I feel like I’m okay with it now. I don’t feel like Babyice has replaced her as such, but I don’t feel as empty as I did before. I’m not completely inconsolable. I feel guilty for having moved on. I feel guilty for being happy again. I feel guilty for feeling as happy as I might have been before we lost her. Before we knew about her. I feel like there should always be a little sadness there, no matter what.
I know that everybody grieves differently and that a lot of mothers never “get over” the loss of a child. I look at other mothers who have lost their babies before they were even born. I see how they are still stuck in their grief months, years and other children later. Shouldn’t I also still be stuck in grief? Is it wrong that I feel like I’ve moved on from such a traumatic event? Does this make me a bad person?
*sigh* It seems you just can’t win. Feel guilty for losing the baby, feel guilty for grieving too long, feel guilty for not grieving anymore…it just never ends, does it?
On a lighter note…I’m going for the tattoo I have been wanting since we lost Jamie on the 21st of this month. I’ll be having Jamie and Babyice’s names with a pattern to sort of join the two on my left shoulder. I’m both excited and apprehensive about it. I’m a bit nervous to have it done again…I know it’s going to hurt and that it isn’t that bad…but it’s still a needle being repeatedly jabbed into your skin. That is scary, no matter how you look at it!
So awesome about your tattoo. Can’t wait to see it!!!
I know exactly what you mean. Thanx for saying what I can’t.
and good luck…. It is never easy.
Everyone is different, you have to do what is best for you and your family. You mental health is what is most important, don’t compare yourself to anyone else.
here’s the way i see this…
everyone is different, so everyone grieves differently. just because you have found a way to soothe the pain of losing Jamie, it doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten her or replaced her. you’ve just moved on to a different part of the process where you can think of her with love but not soul shattering grief. this is healthy and no one could or should possibly think any less of you for this. we all have different coping mechanisms!
on the upside, YAY for new ink, always exciting! can’t wait to see it.
xx
My dear, grieve as you need to, love as you need to and live life as you need to. There is no right or wrong to feel guilty about.
December 8 2010 it will be our baby Amberlee’s 3rd death day, or Angel day.
We don’t get sad anymore. We do wonder sometimes, especially when Alexis, her ‘little’ sister does new things, we always wonder how Amberlee would have done it.
Though we do not get sad anymore, we do miss her, sort of like a close friends you knew and they moved far away. Sometimes at a braai, you miss having them there too. That is how it is with Amberlee with us.
December 8 every year is not that great though. Alexis likes it, she gets a present on December 8, her older sister’s Angel day.
Thank you for sharing your experience, Mathinus. 5 November last year was hard for me and I’m sure it will be this year too. Very good idea to give Babyice a gift on his sister’s birthday. Thank you for that.
I could never know what you have been through, but I don’t believe you have to grieve forever. I reckon there will always be a little hole in your heart that Jamie’s memory fills.
There is no right and wrong. I don’t think feeling like you have moved on is a bad thing at all. She always has a place in your heart. But being incapacitated with grief would not help you or babyice.
My mom lost her son (my brother) a good couple of years ago. She has only now come to terms with it – almost 12 years later. There is no right and no wrong. Every year on his birthday she puts flowers at the wall of remembrance and likewise on Christmas. She once told me that you never ever forget, you just learn to deal with it in your own way. She now speaks of him “freely” but there are still many a day when she aches for him.
(((((HUGS))))))