Feeling Judged
As a new mother, you expect to be judged. You expect strangers to come up to you in the local Spar telling you that your child isn’t dressed warmly enough or that you shouldn’t be holding him *that* way, etc. You expect to be judged. What you don’t expect is that same judgement from your own family.
We’ve had Babyice’s problem diagnosed and we know what it is all about. It has been verified by sticking a scope through his nose and down his throat. It’s not guesswork. It’s a fact…we’ve had him at the pediatrician and at the ear, nose and throat specialist, but people just don’t seem to think that’s enough.
My grandmother asked me if we don’t want to get *another* opinion. Who else’s opinion do I need? My grandfather calls me up at 10PM asking me if it hurts when he breathes (no it doesn’t…wouldn’t he cry?). I know they are just concerned. I know they love him and just want the best for him, but do they doubt us? Do they think *we* don’t want the best for him? Do they think it doesn’t concern us too? I’ll be chatting to them on the phone and they’ll hear him in the background and say “oh shame, are you sure he is alright?” Yes. He is FINE. Really. He can breathe and he is growing fast and eating well. He.Is.Fine.
Today I went back to the gynae for my post birth check up. I had to explain about 5 times over that he is fine. His chest is not phlegmy, his nose isn’t blocked, he is just fine (all this to strangers). One Sunday in church the lady sitting in front of me became so worried *during* the service that she turned around and asked me if we have him on a nebulizer (sometimes it sounds like phlegm on the chest). So I had to explain *during* the service that it was not, in fact, his chest and that he is FINE. Another woman kept on looking over at him with much irritation. I wanted to klap her, but decided it might not be in the spirit of peace and harmony to slap someone at church. She must have been wondering why we bring our “sick” child to church where he can spread his germs. She made an assumption. I understand that, but then keep your dirty looks to yourself or open your mouth so I can set you straight.
So yes, everywhere we go, we are questioned. Even by our own families. Rudi’s family isn’t very comfortable with it either. The sound is very alarming…but he is fine and if we say he is fine people should believe us. Before he was born so many people told me they thought I would make a great mother…people don’t seem so sure anymore. The only people who have not second guessed us and have embraced him noise and all are our fabulous Twitter friends. <3 you guys! 
I hope he outgrows it sooner rather than later. Rudi and I are so used to it already we worry when we *can’t* hear him breathe. Sometimes the noise is so loud and annoying we can’t sleep at all. There is nothing we can do to stop it and Babyice can’t help it…so we just have to wait until it gets quieter. Surgery is only an option if he starts turning blue or starts losing weight because he isn’t feeding well. That is not happening. I don’t want them putting my tiny baby to sleep, unhinging his jaw and scratching in his throat. Not to mention having pipes coming out of his nose and mouth…I couldn’t bear it. If surgery is not necessary, it won’t be done.
So. He is FINE. Ok?
I have no doubt that you are an excellent mom. My cousin’s son has the exact same thing and people are always asking them if he’s okay too…must say it does sound quite alarming, but they also told his parents that he will most likely grow out of it in a year or two.
Don’t let people yank your chain hun…even if they mean well.
Sometimes (or most of the times) people believe that first time parents are not equipt with the nessasary information as to how to raise their first child. This is why most people interfere with q’s and answers. This also happened to me with our first born and I am sure it have happened to most of the parents who had their first born. I just wish people would stop thinking this.
“Strongs”
shame lady!
So what is his condition?
Poor little guy
and I have no doubt that you’re a great mom!
You are a great mom!
I know it is annoying, especially when family question you.
My mom-in-law does it constantly and Aaron is 2 and a half!
Just smile and nod and say thanks for the ‘assvice’ and forget about them.
(((HUGS)))
Its not only new moms girl- you will be criticised for as long as other people know you’re a mom.
Strongs.
I agree with Angel it isn’t just new moms you will be judged no matter how old you baby is and it stinks.
the only people’s opinions that matter are yours and rudi’s.
screw everyone else. they dont matter xx
I remember when I was a first time mom, my inlaws suggested to me that I supplement my exclusively breastfed baby with formula as in their opinion breastmilk is very thin. I remember being furious and telling my husband to tell his parents not to interfere. He was actually very supportive and although I dont think he told his parents anything, he didnt say anything about me supplementing the feeds. He trusted my judgement. In fact if you and your hubby respect each other’s judgement with your children, thats all that matters at the end of the day. The attitude I adopted when people gave advice was to smile and thank them and then either take the advice if it matched my opinion or leave it. Either way its your decision. When all the hype of giving birth is over, in a few or 18 years time you will still be parenting that child. Everybody else will have moved on. If you really want to be tough but still polite, just say, Thank you very much for the advice but I prefer to do it my way. If nothing else, that particular person wont ever give you advice again!
I feel your pain/irritation. It’s horrible coming from your own family. Even though they mean good it just does not go down well.
The bad news is you only have the rest of baby ice’s life left to be judged. The good news is, the older you get the easier it is to ignore them!
Dont stress too much i also wonder why ppl always want to judge (families are the worst!) when it comes to matters where ive needed medical advise and the whole family decide they know better i often turn to them and asked them when they completed their studies it soon shuts them up!
Just accept that your family will forevermore find fault with the way you parent and eventually with the way your child behaves. As long as your child is healthy, happy & thriving then you have nothing to worry about. From the photos I’ve seen he is certainly looking extremely healthy & happy. Trust your judgement and go for it.
*trust yourself* You know every answer you need. And everyone else – can go and fly. Mwa! You rock