November 24th, 2009 | Posted by acidicice

So we’ve had potential bad news about my grandfather. About a week and half ago he was experiencing abdominal pain. He was concerned about it and went straight to his oncologist. The oncologist drew blood and last week he received the results. The oncologist believes the results indicate that his cancer is spreading. He had to go for a scan that costs around R6 000, so the doctors needed to get this approved by his medical aid before they could make a proper assessment of what is going on with him. He says he is ready to die. He refuses to go through chemo again. After his last chemo experience I’m not very surprised. I don’t think I’ll be able to talk him into it again. I also half heartedly decided it’s not my place to. He went for the scan yesterday and we are waiting to hear the results.

If I expect my grandfather to respect my wishes, I need to respect his. He feels ready to die. He feels that his affairs with God are in order. He is perfectly content not to carry on living. Not having him around will be a great loss to me. He has been like a father to me all my life. I love him very dearly. I fear losing him. I think it is brave of him to let go. I don’t think I could make that decision for myself.  To a certain extent I feel that the decision is selfish, but on the other hand it is selfish for me to expect him to spend what could be his last days suffering through chemo.

I have not heard from My Evil Mother since I asked her to stop contacting me, but she is haunting my dreams again. I think on a subconscious level this must really be bothering me a lot more than I think. When I’m awake I barely think about it and my grandparents do slip up every now and then, but it’s not like it used to be. Except for today, when I called my grandfather he *had* to tell me that My Evil Mother wanted to take back something my grandmother had bought for her on one of her accounts because she needs the money. My grandmother gave her the account number *dope* Stupid woman. The last time my grandfather gave My Evil Mother his bank account number she managed to get debit orders for things going off on it which he battled endlessly to stop. I kept telling my grandfather I didn’t want to hear about it, but he finished the story before telling me ‘I won’t tell you about it then’. Uh. A little late for that.

The pregnancy seems to be going well. It’s so hard to tell with a 6 week stretch between appointments. By the time you get to the last week (incidentally this week) you feel like you have no idea what is going on anymore. You have no idea how big your baby is, whether he is okay, whether your placenta is in the right place, etc. Luckily we get another peek next Monday. I trust everything is okay,  I feel him moving around. He is a lazy bugger though, he doesn’t keep me awake or anything. I am grateful for that.  This morning my ankles and wrists feel a bit sore. I’m not swollen or anything, but I can definitely feel the water retention. Babyice has also turned into a position where his feet or hands or whatever seem to be directly above my bladder. I almost thought I was going have an accident at my desk yesterday when he decided to kick/punch me! Ooooops! How blind would that be?

We have a teambuilding at work tomorrow. We’ll be going to a children’s home and spending our time improving the place for them. I don’t do charitable things often (shame on me), so it will be nice. I’ll let you all know how it goes!