My Evil Mother requires…HELP
On Sunday my grandmother and Evil Mother convinced me to let her come over to have tea. I told her I do not want her to come to my house as I’m afraid she will refuse to leave. She said she doesn’t have anything with her and I told her I don’t care. I am tired of playing nice with her. She doesn’t deserve it. Eventually I relented and she came over. Much superficial conversation came from me and lies spewed from within her. Typical. At some point I made mention of the fact that it’s a pity she’d lost all her furniture (which she insists someone seems to be storing for her free of charge – for like two years) as Rudi covets a white couch she had. She didn’t want to leave when I wanted her to, so I went to sleep and she eventually decided to go.
Yesterday morning she phones me all in tears. I must phone my grandfather. She doesn’t know why. <– Load of shit. They (her husband, father in law and herself) are being kicked out of the place where they are staying and she is on the street. Repeatedly asking me if she can move in with me. I repeatedly tell her to fly a kite. Oh it’s crisis! She’ll have to sleep in the street tonight…blah blah blah. She phones Rudi behind my back. She asks him to speak to me, as if he will change my mind. She does this ALL the time. She plays couples off against each other and tries to get them to talk each other into doing what she wants. She does it with my aunt and uncle and as well my grandparents. It has worked before. She’ll guilt one of them into guilting their partner. Pity I’m not that gullible. I tell Rudi he can go play in the traffic and get his own place if he wants to shack up with her, which of course, he doesn’t.
Finally I have a hard copy of a conversation between My Evil Mother and I. I often forget things that were said, but since this was a SMS exchange I can show you exactly how it went down.
Her: Do you want the couch?
Me: Depends how much
Her: Surely you know what I want
Me: If it what I have repeatedly told you “No” for, then you can keep it.
Her: U not stupid, but now u being very dumb
Me: Not in the mood for games. Say what you want or leave it.
Her: You said no
Me: Then it is no. I don’t see why you are still confused.
Her: U said no – Game over [Ed: here she is implying she will kill herself. This has happened before]
Me: Been down this road with you before as well. I learn my lessons.
Her: Sad
Me: Perhaps if you take ownership of your life and problems you will stop getting into these kinds of situtations. If you continue to guilt trip me or cause me any more stress or worry I will be forced to break contact with you. My child is my first priority and I am not taking any chances with his wellbeing.
Her: All I know is I am crying for help and u won’t help me. I am not guilt tripping you
Me: No matter what we do for you further down the line we will have to walk this road with you again. It happens over and over. You have already drained us financially as much as we would allow and yet you want more. It will never be enough. The kind of help you need, I am not qualified to offer.
Her: How is it that u only remember the bad
Me: Because it overwhelms the good by so much and I do not foresee it changing.
Her: Please just one last chance
Me: No.
Her: U all advise me to leave but won’t help me do it
Me: I think it is high time you help yourself otherwise this vicious circle will continue to turn.
Her: I can’t do it alone
Me: You actually can. You’re just so used to other people solving your problems that you think you are not capable. If you were really that desperate, you would find a way. I suggest you stop focusing on what everyone else can do for you and help yourself. Imagine the possibilities.
Her: You bought me this for my b’day love is enduring and patient and kind
Me: It will only endure so much, be so patient and be so kind until tough love is required.
Thereafter, silence. She called me crying again this morning. She is a thick skinned one. She seems to think if she asks me enough, I’ll cave. She is mistaken. Rudi and I work very hard to have our home. We enjoy coming home in the evenings to be in each other’s company, to relax, to unwind from a hard day’s work. She will rob us of that and our privacy. She must be smoking crack. She actually might be. There is NO WAY IN HELL that I will allow her to stay there. I don’t care if she needs to stay there for 3 hours with her stuff before being able to move in somewhere else, NO. She’ll never leave.
This is another reason why I did not want her to come on Sunday. It’s like you open the door a crack and she bursts in…luggage in tow. Forget about it.
If she didn’t stress out my grandparents so much I would have no reason to contact her or to let her contact me. I try to buffer where I can, but it is very difficult. She will continue to take advantage of them as long as they let her and I cannot prevent that. I can counsel them and advise them, but that is all I can do. My grandfather, being the compassionate man he is falls for her emotional manipulation most often. In a way he enables her. I wonder what she is going to do when he is no longer there.
*sigh* Someone PLEASE make her go away!
Hey hun. Firstly, and I am saying this with all the love in the world, it sounds like you’re being adamant in an attempt to convince yourself. I see it because I do the same thing. You care, it is natural and you need to protest loudly to block out the pleading. I understand that, you’re a decent human being, it’s impossible not to care, especially about your mother. YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING BY SAYING NO, you don’t need to feel guilty or torn about it.
Secondly, you have only yourself and your baby to concern yourself with, your husband has only you and your baby to concern himself with, that is as it should be. You know this as well as I do, but I am going to say it anyway: “If you allow your mother to creep in, emotionally, physically or otherwise, she will ultimately shift her leeching to your child or children and you definitely do not want that. Stop the cycle of abuse with your generation.”
I take it that this is your first baby?! If so, let me assure you, from someone who has no maternal instincts whatsoever; when your baby is born, what you feel now, all that you have experienced in life, nothing absolutely nothing on earth will prepare you for the culture shock and strength of the emotions which will overtake you. It is like walking from the dark into the light for the first time.
You cannot keep feeling sorry for your grandparents either, they raised your mom, she is their child, they must deal with her in their own way. They are no less capable of being strong than you are simply because of their age and if their behaviour implies otherwise, they too are taking emotional advantage of you and they should know better.
You are wiser for your experience and some parents should never have children, your mother sounds like one of those people, it is nothing short of a miracle that you can see it for what it is, go with that, your instincts are never wrong.
Luv xxx
What Andrea said. Word for word. Seriously.
And a huge hug, because it really sucks that you have to deal with this crap.
Some people just drain you. Good on you for staying clear.
Oh hunny!!!
(((((HUGS))))))
I agree, word for word with Andrea!!
Strongs!!!!!
Rudi must tell her to stay the hell away from his family because this affects him as much as it affects you. He must be tough on her and tell her if she phones again with her nagging he is going to the police or he is going to get a restraining order against her. He can do it because you have already told her no and now she is harassing her. It is crucial that you not be bothered with this nonsense now as you are trying to give birth to a healthy little baby. Dont even take her phone calls any more. Block her cell phone number so she cant sms you anymore or delete them without reading. Look after yourself.
What a cow…I think until your grandparents learn to do the tough-love thing with your mom you’ll always be stuck with her. And you shouldn’t have to be – not even through them. Just stay focused on your healthy baby and happy family goal, and don’t let anyone muck around with that!
You are so right girl. You, babyice and Rudi are your only concerns.
BIG hugs. I wish I could do more.
You are not responsible for your mother or your grandparents. She is their child and if they choose to indulge her it is their responsibility not yours. Do not feel guilty because she is able to manipulate them, she gets away with it because they allow her to.
I agree with Momcat – Rudi needs to take a stand, be the head of the household and take her to task. He must tell her to stop playing you up against each other and to stop stressing you out. If she persists, get a restraining order. It might take that much to get her to realise that you are serious. You’ve given in so many times in the past that she has learnt that if she manipulates and nags long enough eventually you do give in. (Sunday is an example)
Stand your ground and look after yourself. I’m not surprised you are sick, with all this stress and trying to carry a baby your body is overloaded.
Take care of yourself
Love and hugs
xx
See, told you I read your blog sometimes!
Can’t help thinking of that time when you stayed with us for a while…
Listen, hun, I know you could probably do without unsolicited advice, but your mom has been this way since back then already. Maybe it really is time to cut the ties completely? You and Rudi are starting a family and looking to a bright future. Your mother will always be your mother and situations such as these PILE on the guilt, but perhaps now is the time to leave the baggage of the past behind…