Dear Jamie
Hello angel.
I can’t believe it’s been a year since you were born and went to heaven. Sometimes it seems like it all happened yesterday. Sometimes it feels like it happened 10 years ago. Time is slippery, isn’t it?
Mommy misses you and still thinks about you all the time. I really think that you are much happier where you are now than you would ever have been here with us. I know you understand we knew it would be best to send you to heaven. Our world held nothing but pain and suffering for you and we did not want you to go through that.
Mommy regrets never holding you. I’m sorry I was such a coward, but my heart couldn’t bear it at the time. In hindsight I would have held you, if only just once. I don’t want you ever to think that I didn’t hold you because I don’t love you. I always will. You will be in my heart forever, until I get to see you again. I’ll hold you then for the longest time. I promise.
I’m sure you know it’s almost time for your brother to be with us. Aunty Nellie thinks you picked him out specially for mommy and daddy. In a few short months he will be here keeping us out of mischief. We are very excited about meeting him. We’re doing our best to prepare for his arrival…as best we know how. We don’t know very much, but we have lots of friends and family that are more than willing to help us along…and of course we have you. I just know you will help mommy…move my instincts in the right direction and guide me.
We are doing much better than we were a year ago, although our hearts are still healing. Today will be a sad day for us and perhaps one day this time of year will be less sad.
This hasn’t exactly been one of the best letters I’ve ever written, but you understand that it has been the hardest letter I’ve ever had to write. Next year I’ll try to write a better one.
Loving you and missing you always,
Mommy
“hugs”
awww honey. that is so sad. thinking of you.
thinking of you today sending hugs and comfort
BIG hugs and squishes girl! Its such a beautiful letter,
What a difficult day to get through! Wishing you comfort and many happy memories from here on out…
Wishing you strength & peace today. And sending hugs.
I’m sure she knew that you loved her very much and that you’ll never forget her acidicice. *hugs*
Oh hunny…
(((((((HUGS))))))))
what a beautiful letter!
I checked in on you just as i was going to bed.
And my heart in my throat my friend. Jamie is so lucky to have you for a mama. And in heaven, I know Jamie is smiling down on you from Heaven.
Thank you for your courage to write this letter.
As I look over from my computer, to see my Cam fast asleep, I am filled with gratitude again.
Cannot wait to meet your little boy. You are in my heart and thoughts every single day my friend.
Bless you and Rudi a million times over.
Big, big love,
Cath and Cam X
I’m sorry
What a beautiful letter. You have come such a long way in a year. I think Jamie has done a lot to prepare you for being a phenomenal mom. I like to believe that’s the purpose of our baby angels, they pave the way for us and make sure we are super ready and willing when the time comes. Happy Birthday Jamie. You are loved and missed.
xxxx
Thank you so much, everyone. I really appreciate your thoughts, prayers and support. Muchly.
Gosh hun, that is difficult. I have had friends lose their children, some as babies, others as youngsters, a teen, one in his 20′s and one in his late 30′s, even a cousin who was nearer to 60 than 50.
A man I knew as a child shot his daughter a few years older than I and then his wife and then himself, his wife’s father was old and incapacitated and inside the house when this happened, he couldn’t do anything to protect his own daughter or granddaughter….
Sounds like I have an odd bunch of acquaintances/friends/people/relatives LOL, but no, life has just brought me into contact with all these people in one form or another for whatever reason.
It is always horrifically sad for parents and whatever the circumstances, you can never brace yourself for it or protect yourself from it. It is something each carries; a scar of the deepest kind, but it separates you, it sets you apart as being amongst the most courageous of the population. Of course you never get over it but rather you learn to embrace it and move on with it.
I do want to say this though, time doesn’t heal wounds, but it does bring a changing of you and your experiences, your maturing and learning and growing helps and permits you view things from perspectives you have yet to discover and all that time, your baby is with you, forever loved, forever remembered. You will be a far better mother and caregiver for your experience than others who have been spared this trauma. You, more than others know what a true gift life is, especially the life that is forever in your heart.
I think life can be cruel and sad, it is also blessed and happy. You are very brave and very strong and you probably don’t feel any of those things, but you are and you will be a wonderful and loving mother because of it.
Your letter displays tremendous courage and heart.
Much love x
[...] Jamie Today you would have been two. So much has happened since the last letter I wrote to you. Your brother was born just about 9 months ago. It wasn’t nearly as scary as mommy thought [...]