So yesterday I was 12 weeks pregnant. I saw that my ticker updated that my baby has fingerprints now. Wow. Fingerprints. That’s quite amazing. Wow.
I am still in awe of the miracle growing inside me. It came unexpectedly again the second time around. I had given up. I had thought, I’ve been trying for so long now…and my heart can’t take it anymore, I’m going to switch off the baby making part of my brain and switch on the I-can-do-whatever-I-want-pass-the-wine side of my brain. I relaxed and it was lovely to relax. I worked through my grief in a healthy and unhealthy manner and it started to feel good. I started to feel good and here I am…about 7 months after James was gone, babyice was here. Oh yes! I decided to call our baby “babyice” on Twitter and on my blog. I was sitting at the dressing table the other morning putting my face on and it came to me…and I couldn’t figure out why I hadn’t thought of it before.
Next Friday we go for our nuchal scan. I am excited because we’ll get to see our baby again and we might even be able to tell whether to start shopping pink or blue…but I’m also scared. Scared of hearing those words again ‘Something is bothering me here’. Scared of the long silences while scanning, wondering if they are preparing to give me bad news again. Scared of feeling like a complete and utter failure. Scared of having to feel tons of guilt because it could be something I did. Afraid of being judged again…“Why can’t she have normal babies?” Scared of having to make another decision I don’t want to have to make.
I long to hear the words ‘Everything looks perfect’. I think I’ll cry. I’ll definitely cry. I cried at our last scan when all I could see was a blob and a tiny flicker on the screen. I feel like crying right now. These hormones are killing me!
So I’m excited…but I’m really scared of being too excited. I was SO excited for our last scan with James…I counted the days…and then my whole world crumbled around me.
Everyone, including my gynae is very positive about this pregnancy and everything being OK. Of course they are. I have a very good feeling about this pregnancy, but my certainty wavers. I need to trust and have faith that things will work out this time.
Rudi is being a bit on an insensitive dufus. I had some backache and cramps yesterday and he said ‘What? You having the baby now?’ He doesn’t seem to understand what that would mean…then we got into a fight because he thinks I’m being oversensitive and shouldn’t be interpreting things that way. He suggested we watch a movie last night. What movie does he select? Shoot ’em up. If you haven’t seen it, it starts off with a huge bunch of men trying to shoot a pregnant women. The movie’s hero tries to save her and helps her deliver the baby. Shortly after the baby is delivered the mother gets shot in the head. WTF is he thinking?!
Another thing you might not know about me is that I have a fear of car accidents and heights. Whenever I am driving (or even a passenger) on a mountain pass I freak out. Even driving over some bridges. I see myself driving (or being driven) through the barrier, the car falling, rolling and being smashed to a million pieces. Sometimes these delusions even go as far as me thinking about whether or not I’ll be able to reach my cellphone and if I did who I would call first and whether or not I’d be able to speak. I know! It’s crazy paranoia! I can’t seem to help myself though.
Now I’ve read stories about the houses of pregnant women being broken into and malicious attackers, realizing that she’s pregnant, kicking or shooting them in the stomach. Do you think I can get this crap out of my head? I hate being left alone at home, especially at night now. I keep thinking something like that is going to happen to me, although there’s only really a small chance.
So yes. That’s me. Not as normal as you thought. Some of My Evil Mother’s crazy genes leaked into mine.
One more week till the scan.